


*I Think Your Love Would be Too Much*

by orphan_account



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: (I love Noir shush), Arguing, Best Friends, Birthday, Birthday Party, Bombs, Canon-Typical Violence, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drinking & Talking, Drunken Shenanigans, Eventual Romance, F/M, Family Shenanigans, Father Figures, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, For the most part, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gun Violence, Ham's a mess, Happy Ending, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hugs, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I love my spiderlings, Identity Reveal, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Innuendo, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, John Mulaney References, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Spoilers, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Minor Character Death, Mugging, Multi, Near Death, Noir actually starting to feel things, Noir is probably the angstiest person in this fic, Noir uses guns in his universe ok?, Oblivious Noir, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Kissing, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Spider-Verse, Spoilers, Swearing but you probably already knew that, Team as Family, Weddings, but it gets better, ch18 got a lot more violent than I expected oops, in my defense Noir's comics are so much worse, just the Peters being drunk dorks and the spiderchildren having to babysit them, noir needs a hug, nothing bad though, now I gotta add more warnings, obviously, superhero wedding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-10-06 12:59:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 41,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17345669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The Spider-Fam goes to visit Miles on his birthday, only for things to go wrong. Now they have to not only save New York City from Earth-1610, now they have to save the rest of the multiverse before it collapses. All they wanted to do was have fun but, as it turns out, no Spider-Person can have a break.(aka. OP wanted the Spiderfam to act like a family that just wants to hangout for once without the world having to face oblivion. And yes, I did change the summary because this got more plot heavy than I expected but idc)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Sunflower =Miles  
> Gwanda = Gwen  
> Trashman = Peter B Parker  
> JCPeni = Peni  
> John Mulaney = Ham (duh)  
> NowThatsEdgy = Noir

     _[Gwen Stacy has created the groupchat: Miles' Secret Birthday Surprise]_

_[Gwen Stacy has added: Peter B. Parker, Peni Parker, Peter Parker (Noir), and Peter Porker]_

_Gwen Stacy: Ok guys, Miles' birthday is in four days, we need to plan something for him. Any suggestions?_

_Peter B. Parker: Ah shit, really? Crap, I don't know_

_Peter Porker: Bake him a delicious pie!_

_Peter Parker (Noir): A pie could be nice_

_Peni Parker: Plus, we would have to visit him in his dimension so maybe we could hang out_

_Peter B. Parker: Sounds good. I've missed the kid_

_Gwen Stacy: Awesome! Wanna meet up in Ham's dimension to bake the pie and then we could go to Miles' from there?_

_Peter Porker: That's fine with me!_

_Peter Parker (Noir): Great_

_Peni Parker: I'm down with that_

_Peter B. Parker: Can't wait_

 

* * *

 

_Sunflower: Good Morning Spideyfam!_

_Gwanda: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MILES!_

_John Mulaney: HOORAY!!!!!!_

_JCPeni: HAPPY B-DAY, M_

_Sunflower: !!!!!! THANKS, GUYS_

_Trashman: Happy Birthday, kid_

_NowThatsEdgy: Love you, Miles. Happy Birthday._

_Sunflower: Wow, thanks guys. Means a lot! <3_

_Gwanda: BTW, we got you a gift_

_Sunflower: Really? You didn't have to_

_John Mulaney: C'mon, kiddo, you deserve it!_

_Trashman: Hope you like it_

_Sunflower: Thanks, guys!!_

 

 

    Peter put his phone in his pocket and looked down at the pie in his hands.

    "Think he'll be happy to see us?"

    "I sure hope so, or this would've been a waste of time." Peni shrugged.

    "Oh c'mon, the kid loves us!" Ham assured them as he hopped onto Gwen's shoulder.

    "Well, time for the moment of truth." Gwen turned and pressed a button on her watch, a portal of bright red, blue, and black bubbles appeared. The other Spiderpeople glanced at each other for a few moments before pulling on their masks and walking through, finding themselves in the center of Brooklyn. 


	2. Suprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthday boy gets a suprise

“Mooooooom.” Miles groaned as his mom smothered his face in kisses for the seventh time that morning. 

“ _ Que _ ,  _ mijo _ ? Can’t I give my son kisses on his birthday? Or are you  _ too old for that? _ ” Mom asked as she squeezed his cheeks. Miles would’ve died if he was in front friends when she did this but at least they’re at home. As much as he appreciated the kisses and gifts he’s gotten so far, he was more excited to receive the gift from the rest of the sSpiderfam. He had no idea how they were gonna get it to him but he was happy nonetheless. 

“Happy Birthday, Miles.” His Dad said as he pat his back hard, as though he was trying to knock him down. 

“Thanks, dad.” Miles grinned up at his dad. Ever since he started being Spiderman, he had begun to increasingly get stronger, so his Dad’s pats on the back wouldn’t knock him off balance anymore so it basically became a silent war between them. 

“So, Miles, I know you said you didn’t want to have a party this year or anything but I was thinking that maybe you could invite a few friends over and we could order a pizza or something, if thats good with you.” His mom asked. 

“No thanks, mamá, I’m actually waiting for a gift from some of my friends.” 

“Oh? And do I know these ‘friends’?” His dad asked suspiciously. 

“Ughh, daaaaad.” 

“You better have an answer for me.”

“You’re impossible.”

  
  
  


“Ham, no.”

“What? C’mooooon! Why not?” 

“Do you have any idea what hotdogs are made of in this dimension?” Gwen asked the pig on her shoulder.

“Well, no, but how bad can it be?” The other spiderpeople looked at each other uncomfortably as they swung through the city. 

“Hot dog links are made of pi-” 

“Pink human poop.” Peni quickly cut Noir off. Ham cringed in disgust.

“Why would humans eat their own $&!+? That’s just nasty.” 

“To be fair, Hot dogs are fucking great, though it can’t beat Pizza.” Peter shrugged.

“Whatever you say, Trashman.” Gwen teased, receiving a glare from Peter in response. As they swung past buildings, they’d stop and take break on high buildings to make sure they knew where they were going and to check on the pie (which somehow hasn’t slipped through Peter’s hands, which surprised everyone, including himself.) Landing on a building, Peni got out of SP//dr for a few moments to get some fresh air and help Gwen and Peter figure out where they were and where they had to go to find Miles. Noir stood at the edge of the building, looking out at the city below.

“What’s up, Edgeman?” Ham asked as he hopped onto the Noir Hero’s shoulder.

“Nothing much, Porker,” Noir replied, “I was only watching this version of New York.”

“Yup, sure is different from our own New York, huh?” 

“Very.” 

“Hey, guys! Miles’ house is just a few blocks down!” Peni, who had just made her way back into SP//dr, called out to two spiderpeople at the edge. Noir turned away from the edge and made his was back to the others, Ham still sitting on his shoulder. 

“It’s that one down there.” Gwen pointed at one of the buildings below. 

“Wait, we can’t just walk in. We’ll stand out.” Peter pointed out. “You and I are fine but Ham, Noir, and Peni, to an extent, look extremely off in this dimension. Plus, how are we supposed to explain how we know him?”

“Um, maybe we could say you’re my dad?” Gwen suggested. 

“I could claim to be Peni’s father for the day.” Noir added. 

“Yeah, but how? You’re literally white.” Peter pointed out.

“We could say he’s albino?” Peni’s voice came from the SP//dr suit.

“That’ll never work.” 

“It’s worth a shot, I guess.” 

“What about me?” Ham asked. 

“Uhhhhhhh, we could just keep you dressed up in your suit and say you’re a stuffed animal with a Spiderman Costume and give you to Miles as a ‘gift’.” Gwen shrugged.

“Thanks, I hate it.”

“It’s the only thing we’ve got, let’s just hope it works.” Peter insisted as he stepped off the building and swung over to Miles’ house.

“Aaaaaand he’s gone.” Gwen groaned as her and Peni followed him down.

“This is definitely going to fail.” 

“Don’t say that! This is going to work!” Ham reassured the taller spiderperson. 

“Wish I could have your optimism.” 

“Just have a little hope! Just use that good ol’ Noir charm and everything will be fine!” 

“‘Noir Charm’?” 

“Oh yeah! You’re full of Noir charm! With that whole ‘Dark and mysterious but I’m still a gentleman’ personality. You could sweep any Guy and Gal off their feet.” Noir frowned from behind his mask, his expression being invisible to the pig on his shoulder. Any GUY? That’s… odd? Why would he ever wish to woo a man? Is that not wrong? Noir shook his head and tried to find another topic to discuss.

“Hope you’re comfortable with pretending to be a children’s toy.”

“Eh, wouldn’t be the first time.” Ham shrugged.

“HEY! WHAT’RE YOU DOING?” Noir looked down at the voice that spoke, finding a PDNY officer looking up at them. “YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE UP THERE!” 

Ham leaned over to Noir and whispered, “Is that the kid’s dad?”

“The copper’s definitely not Miles’ father.” 

“WHO’RE YOU TALKIN’ TO UP THERE?!”

“SCATTER!” Ham shouted as Noir shot a web at another building and swung away.

  
  
  


_ “I think your love would be too much” _

_ “Or you’ll be left in the dust”   _

_ “Unless I stuck by ya” _

_ “You’re the sunflower” _

“You’re the sunflower~” Miles sung along to the song blasting through his headphones. He had only one ear covered, just in case he heard the mailman drop off the gift (or however else they planned to send it). While playing “What’s Up Danger?”, he heard a tap on his door. 

“Dad? Is that you?” Miles called out. His parents had gone out to go get some pizza and wings so he wasn’t sure if he had missed them coming in. At first, nobody responded so he decided to get up and look outside the door. When he did, all he saw was an apple pie on the counter that definitely wasn’t there before. “Uh? Hello?”  _ Nice, good one, Miles. Definitely doesn’t sound like a horror movie.  _ Walking up to the apple pie, he noticed the pie crust was in the design of a spiderweb…

“MILES!” Several voices called his name from above him and, before he could react, Miles was tackled to the ground in a hug. It took him a few moments to realize who was hugging him. He also noticed none of them, with the exception of Ham, didn’t have their suits on, even Noir. He had actually never seen Noir’s face and noticed he seemed to be a really light gray, nearly white with dark gray eyes and black hair. He over all looked the same as the other Peters, only difference being that he had glasses and scars on his face.

“Gwen? Peters? Peni? What’re you guys doing here?” 

“To wish you a happy birthday, duh.” Gwen stated like it was obvious…. Well it kinda was.

“It’s been forever, kid! We’ve missed you.” Peter said as he messed with Miles’ hair. 

“I missed you guys too! Is this what my gift was?”

“Well, this and the pie.” Ham replied, starting to crawl on top of Miles’ head. The six of them remained on the ground hugging until they heard the front door open and close.

“Miles?” His dad called through the apartment. The Spiderpeople quickly got off the floor and attempted to act casual (or as casual as a pig, an anime girl, a noir hero, and a disaster of an adult can seem.) Noir quickly scooped Ham into his arms and pretended to be holding a doll while Peni stood next to him, Gwen and Peter doing the same. They were able to make themselves seem casual just in time for Miles’ dad to walk into the kitchen. Unsurprisingly, Jeff was immediately caught off guard. 

“Miles?”

“Yeah, dad?”

“Who are these people?”

“Uuuhhhhh.” Miles glanced up at Peter, not really sure what their plans were. 

“My name is George Stacy, Gwen's father.” Peter held his hand out, putting his other hand on Gwen's shoulder to indicate which girl he was referring to. Jeff took his hand hesitantly and shook it. 

“Jeff, who’s there?” Miles’ mom poked her head from behind the door to find the very interesting group of strangers in her house. 

“Mr. Stacy,” Dad pointed at Peter, “And Gwen Stacy.” He pointed at Gwen. 

“Hello Mr. Davis and Mrs. Morales.” Gwen greeted. 

“Manners.” Jeff noted, mainly to himself. He turned to face the other two(three) spiderpeople. “And who may you be?” 

“My name is Benjamin Parker, and this doll is my daughter Peni.” Noir responded. Both of Miles’ parents narrowed their eyes at him specifically, ignoring the cartoon pig in his arms and the odd looking girl next to him. 

“If you don't mind me asking, why exactly are you… gray?” Jeff asked. 

“I was born with a rare mutation that drains the color of my complexion.” 

“So you're albino?” Rio asked. 

“Suppose I am, doll.” 

“Interesting, I've never seen an albino with grey skin before..” she mumbled to herself. Everyone had forgotten Rio was a nurse so it was probably a very important detail but too late for that now. 

“So you're Peni?” Jeff turned his attention to the little girl. 

“Sure am, sir!”

“How exactly did you guys meet?” 

“Oooooookay, dad.” Miles interrupted his father's interrogation of his friends. “Can I just go hangout with them now? We can stay in the apartment if you'd like, I just kinda, ya know, wanna spend time with friends?” Jeff looked down are him and thought for a while, close to saying no due to him never even hearing of these friends before until Rio put her hand on his shoulder. 

“Of course you can,  _ mijo _ , I'll go get the pizza in the living room and you all can talk they're, alright?” 

“Thanks, mom!” Miles saw the conflicted emotions in his father's face but decided not to make direct eye contact, just in case. 

“HOLD ON A MINUTE.” the six of them turned to see a very suspicious Jeff. “Why do you two look like Peter Parker?” Well shit.

“Oh, we're distant cousins.” Peter replied nonchalantly. 

“Never seen reports of any cousins on his file.” 

“Eh, we're distant for a reason.” Peter shrugged as he walked off. After a few moments, everyone else followed him too. 

“... Also, why are you holding a pig dressed as spiderman!?” Jeff shouted. 

“The kid loves pigs and spiderman.” Noir called back. 

“You think he's still suspicious?”

“Oh definitely.”

“I'm so grounded tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catch me writing this in class like the twit I am


	3. Celebration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone just kinda hangs out

“Big Hero Six or Zootopia?” 

“Zootopia, obviously.”

“What? Zootopia is sooooooo lame. Put on Big Hero Six.”

“Seriously, Peni? You practically live in the same world as Big Hero Six. How often do you see anthropomorphic animals who’re detectives?” Gwen asked.

“We’re literally friends with a talking cartoon pig.”

“Hey, don’t bring me into this.” Ham whispered, still trying to remain as still as possible, just in case Miles’ parents walked in.

“Personally, I want to watch this ‘Zootopia’.” Noir said as he shifted Ham into his other arm so he could grab a slice of pizza.

“Yeah, same. They never made Zootopia in my dimension and I kinda wanna see what this one’s about. Plus we’re all superheroes and it doesn’t make sense why we’d watch other people fight villains when we literally do it everyday.” Peter added.

“Alright, Zootopia it is.” Miles put in the disk and went to sit next to Gwen. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Noir feed Ham a slice of Pizza, looking over his shoulder to make sure his parents didn’t come in to see him feeding the supposed ‘toy’. As the movie played, Ham would whisper about how weird the animals look and how it looked different from his own dimension despite being the same concept. 

_ “Are THOSE the pigs in this movie? Seriously? That’s not how we look like in my dimension.”  _ Ham whispered to Noir, who rested his head against the pig’s.

“Then again, there are no cartoons in our dimension yet we’ve gotten used to you fairly well.” Noir whispered back.

“You got me there.” Ham said as he shoved a pizza slice into his mouth. The moment they heard footsteps, Noir stole the pizza out of Ham’s hands and fit his mask back on. 

“Hello, Benjamin.” Jeff said, walking into the living room. 

“Simply call me Ben, if you wish.” 

“Alright… Ben… What’s with the whole… 1930’s style?” 

Noir thought for a moment and shrugged. “I like the style.” Jeff turned to look at the movie playing on the screen after a few moments of very awkward silence.

“...Talking animals who also happen to be police officers… Movies get more and more questionable every year.” 

“How so?”

“The animals are just walking around on two feet, talking and acting like humans and it’s referred to as entertainment. How unrealistic can you get?” Jeff complained. Noir felt the pig in his arms start moving, most likely indicating he was getting upset. 

“Yeah… hey, Miles?” Noir turned to the kid.

“Huh?”

“Want your, uh, ‘toy’ now?” Miles looked at him and then at Ham for a few moments before finally understanding what he meant.

“Oh… OH YEAH, thanks!” Miles quickly went over to take Ham from him and walked over and sat down, placing him on his own lap. The moment Jeff and Noir began talking again, Ham started venting.

“Really? ‘How unrealistic can you get’? How dare he?” Ham whispered.

“Ham, relax.” Miles tried to calm him down by petting his head.

“Honestly, how disrespectful can you get?” 

“You’re thinking too much into, Porker.” Peter shrugged.

“Miles, I’m fighting your dad.”

“Ham, no.”

“Ham, yes.”

  
  
  


Miles didn’t know what he was expecting but he wasn’t disappointed with what had happened. One minute, they were playing Mario Kart in the living room, the next minute, the whole room was filled with screams. 

“EXCUSE ME? HOW DARE YOU?” 

“WHO THREW THAT RED SHELL I’M GOING TO FIGHT YOU!” 

“MILES, I KNOW ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY BUT I WILL PERSONALLY ATTACK YOU IF YOU TOSS THAT BANANA AT ME!” 

To be fair, it was either Mario Kart or Uno and neither was better than the other. Peter was playing as Mario in 9th place, Gwen was Rosalina in 2nd place, Peni was Pink Gold Peach in 4th place, and Miles was Bowser in 1st place. They had asked if Noir wanted to play but he had denied, saying he had no idea what Mario Kart was and would rather not make a fool of himself so he was watching them play with Ham in his arms again. 

“Miles, you even think of tossing that banana behind you, I will never talk to you again.” Gwen growled at the kid next to her.

“Hey, don’t be jealous that I’m better than you at Mario Kart.” He teased back.

“Oh please, neither of you are gonna beat me. I have possibly the best combination for Pink Gold Peach and you two have absolutely no chance against science.” Peni sneered as she sped past Gwen and catching up with Miles.

“Hey!” 

“Sorry, Gwen. I don’t plan on losing.” Noir raised an eyebrow when he saw Peter throw a blue shell.

“Hey, Porker.” Noir leaned down to whisper at Ham.

“Yeah, Edge?”

“What color is that shell again?” he pointed at Peter’s part of the screen.

“Oh, that’s blue.”

“How about that one?” Noir pointed at Pink Gold Peach.

“It's a pinkish gold color.”

“So a mix of two colors?”

“Yup, basically.” Ham confirmed.

“You can mix colors?”

“Sure can, bud! Like orange is a mix of red and yellow, green is a mix of blue and yellow, and purple is a mix of blue and red!”

“Ah… interesting.” After the others started the last lap, the room went silent, each one being extremely focused on winning. The only sounds they made were groans and growls of anger. 

Miles and Peni were extremely close, being nearly exactly next to each other. They were able to see the finish line and the race seemed as though it would be a tie (if even possible) until the unthinkable happened.

“WHAT?!” Both of them shouted when Gwen hit them with a bomb, only for her to immediately get hit with a red shell, Peter speeding past her and stealing first place.

“HOW?!” Gwen turned to a cocky looking Peter.

“I’m just good, duh.” Peter shrugged.

“Oh that’s some f-”

“Listen here you little-” As the four of them began to fight, Noir and Ham just glanced at each other, somewhat entertained with the petty argument going on.

“Why not just watch a movie since none of you can get along?” Noir spoke over the four of them.

“Ugghh, fine.” Miles got off the couch and went to play some random movie.

“Children these days.” Ham joked, shaking his head.

“Definitely.” Noir scoffed.

  
  
  


“Psst, Miles, wake up.” Miles opened his eyes to see all the living room lights had been dimmed, minus the TV that was showing the end credits of some movie (Miles wasn’t 100% sure which movie had been playing before he fell asleep.) Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who had fell asleep. Noir was passed out on the couch, Peni cuddling him as she slept, and Ham asleep on his shoulder. Gwen was leaning against Miles the whole time she was asleep. The only other person who wasn’t asleep was Peter, who was the one who had woken him up in the first place.

“Peter? What time is it?” Miles was able to say through his yawns.

“9:30. I was going to wake the others so we can leave now, I just wanted to tell you this myself so you don’t wake up and we’re all gone, alright?”

“Oh.. yeah, ok.” Miles was honestly surprised that his parents had let them stay this long at the house. Peter stood up and contemplated waking Gwen up before picking her up, ultimately deciding not to so she can sleep. He went over and shook Noir’s shoulder, quickly waking him up. Noir also carried Peni and left Ham sleeping on his shoulder.

“Happy Birthday, Miles. We love you.” Peter said as he ruffled Miles’ hair. “See ya soon, kid.” Him and Noir slipped their masks back on and left through one of the windows. Miles watched them swing through the city until he couldn't see them anymore and went to his room to sleep. Once Miles layed down on his bed, his mom walked in.

“Happy birthday,  _ mijo. _ ” She spoke softly and kissed his forehead. “Hope you had fun today.”

“Yeah, I did. Thanks, mom.” He smiled up at her. 

“Good night.” She kissed his forehead again and left the room quietly. He was just about to fall asleep until he heard knocking on his window. He ignored it at first until it started getting louder. He groaned, getting up and looking out the window, only to immediately be shoved back into his room by…

“Peter? What are you-” Peter quickly covered Miles’ mouth to keep him quiet. 

“Shhh, not so loud, kid.”

“What's going on?” Miles whispered much quieter this time. 

“We may have a small problem.” 

“Our transporter was janked up.” Miles looked to see Peni walking in through his window, Gwen, Noir, and Ham following close behind her. 

“What does that mean?”

“Means we're stuck in this dimension.” Gwen specified. 

“Again.” Noir spoke grimly. 

“Well, can't Peni fix it?”

“Well yeah, but I need some really specific parts and there's only one person in this dimension that we know of that can help.” Peni explained to Miles.

“Who is it?” The other five glanced at each other awkwardly before Ham responded for them. 

“Doc Ock.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UwU


	4. What's up Danger?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lotta shit happens tbh  
> Ham being gay and The Fam going to go break into Doc Ock's lab

Noir swung through the city, looking down at Brooklyn below. It was very different that what he was used to. It had been about a week since they’ve gotten stuck in Mile’s dimension and they decided that they’d help Miles on patrolling for the time being. All the colors distracted him. In his dimension, he was used to the lack of color, only seeing in black and white. Now, with all the colors, there were so many colors that popped and contrasted against each other. Not to mention whenever he’d see a new color, he’d stop and examine it. He thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad at night but it only made it worse with all the bright lights and billboards. It had gotten to the point where he couldn’t go on patrol by himself anymore. Normally, his partner would alternate between the others in the Spiderfam. 

Tonight, he was paired with Ham. 

He didn’t particularly have a problem with Ham, not in the slightest, but everytime they talked, Ham never seemed to take anything too seriously.

“Yo, Edgeman.” Noir quickly glanced behind him to look back at the pig swinging. Ham was holding what seemed to be some sort of frozen treats in his hand. 

“I got us some popsicles! I dunno which one ya want though.” Noir sighed and decided to stop on top of a building. Ham landed directly in front of his companion and held out the two popsicles. 

“What are these?”

“Popsicles!”

“Mmm, what flavors?” 

“Oh! Strawberry and Grape! The purple one is grape,” Ham used his other hand to point at it, “and the reddish one is strawberry.” 

“I like the purple one. I don’t normally see this color.” Noir said as he took the grape popsicle out of his hands. “Is grape good?”

“I think it is. Depends on what you like I guess.” Ham shrugged, pulling his mask up to start eating his own popsicle. Noir looked down at the frozen treat in his hands for a few moments before pulling up his own mask. Noir wasn’t sure what he was expecting but the sweetness of the popsicle surprised him.

“This is very… sweet.” Noir stared at his popsicle for a second before going back to eating it. “And cold.”

“Wanna know what else is sweet?” Ham asked, hopping onto Noir’s head.

“Hmm?” 

“You.” Ham said as he booped Noir’s nose. Noir felt his face heat up but he wasn’t exactly sure why. Looking up at his companion, he could see the pig grinning due to his mask being moved up.

“Wha-” Noir didn’t get to finish his sentence before Ham seemingly bit off the rest of his popsicle in a cartoonish style before swinging away to get another one. He watched as the cartoon pig went up to a vendor and started talking to him. 

Noir had no idea on how to respond to that. Was it just a compliment? Do people normally do that? Maybe it was a thing friends do. Yeah, obviously. Maybe. He never really had friends so he wasn't too sure. Maybe he should ask Peni or Miles… He was probably overthinking the whole thing. Still, what if Ham was flirting with him? No, he wouldn't. That's wrong. No way Ham was a gunsel. And neither was Noir. He was 100% straight. He knew that. He had to be. Except for that one time… But it was just that one time. 

Right? 

  
  
  


“Did ya try it?” The popsicle vender asked when he saw Ham swing down from the building. 

“OHMYGOD!” The moment Ham landed, he started breathing heavily. 

“I'm taking that as a ‘yes’.” 

“Pete! Why did you convince me to do this? It was probably the worst idea of my life!” Ham cried dramatically. 

“Hey, not my fault you're more of a disaster than me.”

“No one's more of a disaster than you, Pete.” Ham groaned, deciding to face plant straight onto the concrete. “Well, maybe I am.” Ham's voice sounded muffled. 

“I dunno why you don't just tell him.” Peter shrugged, eating his own popsicle. Ham immediately unstuck his face from the concrete and hopped onto the popsicle stand, holding Peter by his shirt collar. 

“BECAUSE HE'S FROM THE 30’S! HE'S PROBABLY NOT EVEN GAY!” Ham screamed at Peter before melting and laying down on the ground. “And what if I make a fool of myself..?” Peter looked down at the groaning pig on the floor. 

“Alright, get up, Ham.” Peter knelt down and grabbed Ham's arm, dragging him back up. “If you're really so worried about it, why not go ask him how he feels about stuff like that? If you don't want to, I'll do it for you.” That seemed to catch Ham's attention. 

“You will?” Peter nodded in response. The pig instantly hopped up and hugged Peter by his neck. “THANK YOU THANK YOU!” Ham gave him an overly dramatic kiss on his cheek and stole a popsicle before swinging away.

“You're welcome!” Peter caller after him. “Oh, he's such a disaster gay.”

“They both are.” Miles landed next to him, already wearing his costume. Gwen and SP//dr landed next to him, Gwen also in her suit. 

“I can tell. Noir’s just a huge mess.” Gwen nodded. 

“God, me too. Anyway, ready to go break into Doc Ock's old lab?”

“Yup. How hard can it be to get in?” 

  
  
  


Ham swung back up to the building to see Noir sitting down on the edge of the building, watching him return and continuing to eat his popsicle. Ham noted that Noir was a very messy eater, judging by the amount of purple all over his gloves and mouth. Then again, the man had never eaten a popsicle in his life.

“Hiya, Edge, I’m back.” Ham landed next to his friend with his second popsicle.

“How come you called me that?”

“I dunno, I just feel like ‘Edge’ fits you.” Ham shrugged, taking off the wrapper from his new popsicle. 

“That is not what I meant.” Ham nearly choked on a piece of popsicle he bit off.

“Uh, what do you mean?”

“You called me ‘sweet’. Why?” 

“Oh c’moooooooon, what else could I mean? I just think you’re a really sweet person despite your edginess.”  _ Good one, Porker. _

“Is that it?” 

“Of course it is!”  _ I said, ya know, like a liar. _

“Oh, good. Thought you might’ve been flirting with me.”  _ Ouch. _

“Oh… really?” 

“Mhmm, somewhat appeared that way. Glad it wasn’t though.” 

“What? Why? There’s nothing wrong with that.” Ham saw that Noir looked as though he had done something wrong.

“I… I’d never be- I do not like men! Not to mention, you are a literal pig. Why would I ever wish to go out with you?” At that moment, the cellular device Miles gave Noir (A ‘phone’, as he called it) began to ring. Whether Noir saw his heartbroken expression or not, Ham will never know as Noir reached into his pocket and answered the phone.

“Hey, Miles.”

_ “Hi, Noir, we just got to Doc Ock’s lab and we think there may be a problem, can you guys come here?”  _

“On our way.” Noir looked down at the screen for a few seconds before hanging up. “Kid needs our help. Somethin’ bout Doc Ock’s laboratory.” Noir turned to see Ham just staring at him, like he really wanted to tell him something. “Well, what’re ya waiting for? Let’s shake a leg.” Noir stepped of the building and swung away. Ham watched him for a few seconds before sighing and swinging after him.

  
  
  


“Hey, Fellas.” Miles looked to see Noir had landed behind them, Ham landing just a few moments after. They were on the roof of the abandoned Alchemax Building. Since the whole Collider thing, it had been shut down after Kingpin’s plans had been revealed.

“So, uh, what’s the problem you guys had?” Ham asked.

“Well, you probably don’t know, but during our fight with King Pin, Doc Ock kinda got hit by a truck so we assumed she died buuuuuuut…”

“She seemed to have survived.” Gwen finished for Miles. 

“What makes you think that?” Noir questioned.

“Unless that’s her ghost or something, she seems to be walking around her lab just fine.” Peter groaned.

“I’ve been tracking the heat signature for the past ten minutes and she seems to be gathering things from all over the building.” Peni said as she popped out of her SP//dr suit, projecting a hologram that showed where Doc Ock was in the building. “She’s probably looting the building to gather any scraps she can find.”

“What could she be looking for?” Gwen asked as she went over to the projection.

“She might be trying to recreate the Collider?” Miles suggested.

“I don’t think so.” Everyone turned to Noir. “No doubt pissed because of what happened, gal’s gonna be looking for Miles.”  

“Hey, guys-” 

“If she’s looking for Miles, we gotta get him out of here.” Peter said, cutting Gwen off.

“What? No! I’m not going to leave you guys!” 

“Guys-”

“Yes you are, Kid. You’re going to go home and stay safe. You barely beat Kingpin by yourself. It took three of us to take Doc Ock down the first time. There’s no way we’re gonna let you be in this fight again.” 

“I have to agree with Pete, kiddo. She probably hates you the most since you’re the one that shut down the collider in the end.” Ham added.

“But-”

“GUYS SHUT UP WE HAVE TO GO NOW!” Gwen shouted over them. 

“Gwen, wh-” Miles never got to finish his sentence because, all at once, everyone’s Spider-Sense went off. Without hesitation, Gwen quickly swung away, grabbing Miles in the process. The Peters were just about to swing away before Ham squealed. 

“Oh look! I’ve got myself a little piggy!” The remaining Parkers turned to see Doc Ock using her ‘arms’ to stand above them, using one of them to hold Ham up by his neck. While she seemed to look the same, her suit was fairly damaged, only being repaired by random scraps she could find. “Hmm, I wonder… If I cooked him, would it taste just as good as regular bacon?” Ock contemplated out loud. 

“Don’t think for a second we’re gonna give you the chance to find out.” Peter threatened. 

“Oh! Peter!” Ock lowered herself on the ground to get closer to him, using the rest of her arms to grab Noir, who was reaching for his pistol, and Peni before she could enter her suit. “I haven’t seen you since you threw a truck at my face!” Ock smiled a bit too widely at him.

“To be fair, I wasn’t the one who threw it at you, it just kinda appeared.” That, apparently, wasn’t the right thing to say since Ock tightened her grip on the other’s necks as she raised them higher from the ground.

“Well, aren’t you a clever one? Say, where are the other two little spiders? One’s probably watching from afar, huh? Don’t think I forgot your friend can turn invisible.” She cooed, reaching out and squeezing Peter’s cheek with her real hand. Peter wasn’t sure what made him more anxious, the fact that she could choke three of his friends in an instant, that she was eerily happy the whole time, or that Gwen and Miles were probably nearby. All three, probably. 

“Even if they were here, I wouldn’t tell you.” 

“Is that so?” She grinned wider as she slowly started to tighten her grip on his friends again. “That’s a shame, Peter. I was hoping to only fight you and the other two, I wasn’t expecting to catch the other three. Oh well, guess I’ve got three extra spiders to take care of.” Out of the corner of Peter’s eye, he saw the SP//dr suit slowly make its way around Doc Ock.  _ Thank god. I forgot Peni can control the thing.  _ “That is, unless you want to make a deal.” 

“Sorry, what?”

“A deal. Tell me where they are and I’ll let these three go or,” she shoved the three of them to the ground, “I’ll kill all four of you right now.”

“I’ve gotta say, you’re quite the evil supervillain.” Peter tried to stall her with anything he could think of.

“Well? What will it be, Peter?” Ock said, completely ignoring what Peter had said.

“Not going to lie, you counted wrong. There’s actually five of us.” Peter shrugged. Ock thought for a few moments before she understood what he said. As she turned, the SP//dr suit lunged at her. Ock barely made it out of the way of the SP//dr suit, which stood over Peter, as to protect him. To Peter’s surprise, Ock only laughed.

“Oh, Peter. You didn’t think that’s all I had planned, did you?” She asked him before pointing upwards. Before Peter looked, SP//dr was shot with a plasma blast, immediately disabling it. Peter was sure he heard what sounded like a cry escape Peni, but he wasn’t too sure. The tiny spider from inside hopped onto Peter’s shoulder before the suit could crush it. Peter didn’t even need to look up to know who it was.

“Even got a Vulture in this dimension? God dammit.” He groaned as the flying Villain landed next to Doc Ock. Ock’s last arm shot out and grabbed Peter’s throat.

“Sorry, Peter. Seems like you really want to do it the hard way.” Ock nodded at The Vulture, who then aimed his plasma pistol at Peter. “Goodbye, Peter.” Off in the distance, there was the sound of very quiet whispers, nearly inaudible. But Ock very much heard it. She quickly placed he hand on The Vulture’s arm before he could shoot him. “Wait.” Ock quickly scanned the area before smirking. “So, they are here. What a shame.” Ock lifted Peter and the others into the air and began walking towards an entrance to the building, The Vulture following behind her. Thankfully, Doc Ock hadn’t tightened her grip on Peter just yet.

“What.. are you.. Doing?” To be fair, it was still hard to speak, but Peter was able to manage a few words. Once the door closed behind them, Ock turned towards Peter with a wicked smile. 

“Isn’t it obvious, Peter? They were willing to stay behind to see if they could save you. Clearly, they’ll try to break in and help you escape. When they come in to save you, I’ll catch them too. Then I’ll kill all of you. Finally, six little spiders out of my way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting to get this far in this chapter but I didn't feel like stopping so uwu


	5. Rather be free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is anger about what happened but at least we got our guy in the chair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, yes, I'm tired and not really sure I'm proud of this chapter but it's important ya'll (and Hamnoir's been going on me and I'm shook)

“Gwen! What’re you doing? We need to help them!” Miles shouted. Well, that's what it would’ve sounded like if he didn’t have webs completely covering his mouth. 

“Shhhh, stay quiet!” Gwen whispered harshly at him. From where they stood in the trees, they could see Doc Ock chatting with Peter. They couldn’t hear what she was saying, but Gwen guessed it probably wasn’t too good. Her suspicions were only confirmed when Doc Ock slammed Noir, Ham, and Peni onto the ground. 

“Peter!” Miles’ shout was muffled but Gwen was able to understand. Miles leapt off the tree branch and was about to swing over to the building before Gwen shot a web at him and pulled him back, quickly sticking him to the tree trunk.

“Miles, relax, ok? We’ll save them, I promise, but we just need to wait for Ock to let her guard down.” Gwen assured Miles, also trying to assure herself. Once Doc Ock entered the building, Gwen unstuck him. 

“We have to save them!” 

“Miles, wait, please! I know you’re scared and you want to help them but we can’t just break into the building right away. We need a plan and some back up.” 

“What back up? Everyone’s in the building!” 

“...Not everybody.” 

  
  
  


Peni cried out when she was thrown against the wall of Doc Ock’s makeshift cell.

“Aww, it’s ok. Once your friends come to save you, I’ll make sure it doesn’t hurt anymore.” Peni only heard Doc Ock, not even trying to lift up her head to look at her. She heard the door slam shut and groaned as the slamming sound only make her headache worse. She heard what seemed like footsteps but didn’t know if they were coming from inside the room or outside. Peni found out they were from inside since the footsteps walked up directly next to her.

“Peni!? Are you ok?” The voice asked but Peni didn’t feel like speaking, only groaning in response. Two tiny hands helped lift her up and sat her down against the wall. It was only then when she realized who it was.

“Ham..?” 

“Are you alright, kid?” Ham asked quieter this time.

“Mhmm… wh’res Noir ‘n Pete..?” Peni mumbled.

“I’m not sure. I think she put Edge in another cell, not sure about Peter.” 

“We needa help ‘em.” Peni tried getting up but was stopped by both Ham and the pain in her back.

“Stay down, Pen. You need to rest.” Ham said as he gently pushed her back down. “I’ll go find a way out and save them. I’ll come back for you, I promise.” Ham didn’t wait for Peni to respond and turned to leave but Peni grabbed his wrist.

“Don’t… leave me..” Peni whispered to him quietly. Ham swears Peni sounded like she was about to cry and crouched down next to her.

“Peni-”

“Please..” Peni begged, squeezing his wrist tighter. Ham was sure his heart broke at that moment. Sighing, Ham sat down next to Peni, who had instantly brought him closer to cuddle him. 

  
  
  


Gwen swung quickly through the city, not even waiting for Miles to catch up with her.

“Are you sure she wouldn’t be upset?” 

“Why would she be upset, Miles?” 

“I dunno, maybe because it’s one in the morning and she’s most likely asleep?” 

“I’m sure she won’t mind. She’d probably be excited to help us.” Gwen called to Miles behind her. 

“I still don’t get why we can’t just go in and save them by ourselves.”

“Have you ever fought The Vulture?”

“THAT’S WHO THAT WAS?”

“Exactly.” The two continued in silence until they finally reached the building they were looking for. Miles and Gwen stared at the door for a moment before finally ringing the doorbell. A minute passed with nothing happening until the door swung open, a familiar face looking down at them. 

“Miles? Gwen? What are you two doing here?” 

“Hey, May, we kinda need your help,” Miles began,“Something went wrong and now the others are in trouble.” Aunt May’s confused expression turned to one of grim seriousness. 

“What happened?” 

  
  
  


Ham and Peni sat quietly in their cell, Peni continuing to cuddle him, occasionally kissing the top of his head. 

“...Peni?”

“Hmm..?” 

“I need to save the others.” 

“Not by yourself, Hammy.” Ham felt Peni hold him tighter.

“Pete and Edge are alone.”

“I will be too..” As much as he loved Peni, he really didn’t want to take her with him.

“I can’t take you, Peni. You’re too weak to even stand.” 

“Hammy-”

“Well, isn’t this cute.” The two Spiderpeople looked over to see Doc Ock standing at the doorway. Peni held Ham closely, as though she was trying to protect him. “He’s just like the father you never had. Maybe you’d like another.”  Doc shrugged, one of her arms reaching in and dropping Noir a few feet away from Peni. Ham instantly hopped out of Peni’s arms.

“Noir!” Ham noticed Noir seemed nearly unconscious. 

“Sad, he really put up a fight. All I needed to do was take his guns away but he was just making this difficult.” Ock sighed. “Also, you won’t be able to make it out. I’ve made it spiderproof.” Doc chuckled as she left.

“Noir! Are you ok?” Ham quickly removed Noir’s mask, The Noir Hero only mumbling in response.

“Noiry?” Peni called out to him. After a few moments, Noir finally started to open his eyes. He didn’t seem to understand where he was and who was talking to him because he immediately shoved Ham against the wall.

“Who are you?! Where am I?!” 

“Edge! It’s me! It’s Peter Porker!” Noir blinked at him for a few seconds before dropping him. 

“Porker? God, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine, Edge-” Noir didn’t let Ham finish, pulling him into a hug, also pulling in Peni in the process. Ham was pretty sure if they weren’t locked in a cell, he would’ve melted into the hug. You’d think Noir’s hugs wouldn’t be very comfortable since he practically has no social life but Ham would’ve killed for Noir to hug him forever. He felt safe and secure, like Noir was all he would ever need.

“I’m glad you two are alright.” 

“We’re glad to see you too, Noiry.” Peni hugged him back, somewhat weakly. 

“Mhmm.” Ham didn’t really say anything, still trying to get over the feeling of Noir hugging him. 

  
  
  


“Hello, Peter.” Peter groaned the moment he heard Ock’s voice enter the room.

“Why can’t you just fucking leave us alooooone?” he groaned, rolling his head back. He couldn’t move very much since he was tied down to a chair (the same goddamn chair from the first fucking time).

“Sorry, Peter,” Ock used one of her arms to move his head to look at her, “I’m not just gonna let you go after what you’ve done.” 

“And what was that?” Ock’s eerily smile immediately dropped, turning into a wicked snarl scowl.

“You’ve ruined everything! My life’s work thrown out the window! All because of you!” The claws of her ‘hands’ ripped off Peter’s mask. “You’ve destroyed my whole life! And now I’m going to destroy yours.” 

“Good luck with that. I didn’t really have much going on in my Dimension anyway.” Peter lied. Of course he had something going on in his Dimension. He still had MJ.

“We’ll see about that.” Ock growled. “I know you care about those other spiders. I’ll use them against you if I have to.” 

  
  
  


“So you want me to help you fight two supervillains to save four Superheroes? All of which are my nephews in different dimensions?” Aunt May asked as they went down into the Spiderlair.

“Uh, yeah…” Miles kind of felt guilty about the whole thing, though he knew it wasn’t his fault.

“Why didn’t you call me?” 

“Because we didn’t… think of it...?” Gwen shrugged. 

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t. I have some things to give you.” Once the platform stopped, May walked over to a few gadgets and hand them a tiny box. “I’ve been working on these for Miles and planned on giving them to him later but since you guys are here, might as well give them to you now.” Gwen grabbed the box and opened them, seeing two tiny earpieces

“Woah, thanks, May.” Gwen said, picking one up to examine it. 

“They go in the right ear and they connect to the monitors here.” May snapped her fingers and the several giant screens flicked on. “They track the wearer, you can talk to me through it, and I can scan the area around you and I can tell you exactly where the danger is. I’m still working on them so they can scan the entire city so I can tell Miles exactly where there’s a crime going on.” 

“May, have I ever told you you’re a fucking badass?” Miles asked, putting the earpiece in.

“Thanks, but watch your mouth, hun.” May grinned. 

“Quick question, why did you make two if they both go on the right ear?” Gwen asked, putting on her own earpiece.

“I knew Miles would probably break or lose them so I’ve made several pairs of them, just in case.” 

“I know, but hey!” 

May walked over and handed the two more boxes. “Four more for the Parkers once you break them out. They’ll need it with the Vulture hanging around. Bastard can sense you from a mile away.” 

“Thanks, May! You’re the absolute best!” Gwen said.

“I’ll watch you kids. Stay safe and remember, you work better together than working alone. Now go kick ass.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't plan on posting chapters on the weekend but I might if I get bored owo  
> also, you might wanna take Liv's warning seriously uwu


	6. Living on a Prayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwen and Miles break into the lab  
> Ham and Noir fight (But not each other)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got really bored over the weekend so I wrote more than usual. Don't expect chapters to be this long though lmao  
> and yea, I'm naming chapters after song names and lyrics now cause I'm creative

_ “Can you two hear me?”  _

“Yup, loud and clear, May.” Gwen replied, landing on a tree branch. Miles sat behind her, wearing his hoodie in order to fit the extra earpieces.

_ “Great. From what I can tell, there’s two people in the third floor of the building and four are on the bottom floor. Since the earpieces are a work in progress, I can’t tell exactly who each person is.” _

“Alright, thanks. Maybe we should see who the ones on the first floor are then we enter the basement.” Miles suggested.

“Probably our best bet anyway.” Gwen nodded.

_ “Try entering through the ventilation system, they don’t have any security systems in there, obviously. The vents lead right to them.”  _

The remaining Spiderpeople followed Aunt May’s instructions, going down every path she told them to go through, stopping when she told them to, and turning into what seemed like dead ends, which were actually shortcuts. 

_ “Take a right and you should be right in the same room as them.”  _ May instructed. The moments they turned right, Miles caught a glimpse of the outside of the vents and recognized where he was.

“Hey, this is Ock’s office. This is where we first found out who she was.”

“This is also where you and Peter failed miserably at a stealth mission.” Gwen teased.

_ “This is a good thing. While you’re there, you can find the missing piece for your device. Can you see who’s there?”  _

“It’s the Vulture and… Peter!” Miles whispered a bit too loudly. From outside, the winged villain turned to look at the vent. Fortunately, Miles went invisible just as he turned so The Vulture wouldn’t be able to see him through the small openings.

“What’re ya looking at, you big asshole?” Peter sneered. The Vulture didn’t respond, only glaring at Peter before walking around the room. Miles hadn’t been able to get a good view of the villain until now. He had a mask that covered his whole face, glowing green eyes but that was probably for thermal vision or something like that, and his metal wings seemed to have sharp feathers but they were folded so he wasn’t too sure.

“Ok, I have an idea,” Gwen began, “he seems to be waiting for us to go in so maybe I can cause a distraction outside and Miles can go in and free Peter B. May, is there a vent that leads straight to the basement?” 

_ “If you go back a little and turn left instead of right, there should be.”  _ May responded after a few moments.  _ “It doesn’t lead you directly to them but fairly close.”  _

“Sound good. Miles, sneak in right now, but don’t free Peter until Vulture leaves the room. Seriously. Only when he leaves. The. Room. Ok?” 

“Yeah, alright.” Miles assured her.

“Right, good luck, Miles.” Gwen nodded before crawling back down the vent. The moment she left, Miles went invisible and slowly sneaked into the room. Peter was singing the old Spiderman theme song horribly, either to pass the time or to annoy Vulture, Miles wasn’t too sure. Maybe both. Even Peni’s spider seemed annoyed by Peter’s singing. Miles was seriously hoping Vulture didn’t have thermal vision and his mask only let him see in the dark. Either way, Miles made sure he didn’t make any noise whatsoever, constantly looking down(up?) to make sure Vulture wasn’t looking. 

“Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a Spider can.  Spins a web, any size, Catches thieves- just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spiderman. ” Peter practically screeched the last part, much to the spider’s annoyance. 

_ “Hey, Miles, can you hear me? Wait- that was a dumb question. Just- if you can hear me, I’m just going to let you know this may take a second since I’m kind of tearing a hole in the vent for an easy escape.”  _ Gwen spoke through the earpiece. Easy escape? What was she planning? Either way, Miles ignored it and kept an eye on Vulture, who looked as though he was a few seconds from murdering Peter. After a few moments, Miles caught glimpse of Gwen’s silhouette from the otherside of the semi-see through wall.

“ Spiderman, Spiderman, friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Wealth and fame? He's ignored. Action is his reward.” Peter sang.

“Look out!” Replied a voice that definitely wasn’t Vulture’s. Everyone in the room was confused when the door was kicked in and Gwen stood at the entrance. “Here comes the Spiderman. Well, Spiderwoman but you get the point.” Vulture got over his initial shock and his wings quickly unfolded. (So Miles can confirm that those ‘feathers’ are very much sharp. Almost like mini knives.) Gwen didn’t hesitate and ran down the hall, The Vulture following very closely behind her. 

“Gwen! Wait-” Peter shouted after her, stopping the moment he heard Miles land next to him. 

“Hi, Pete-” 

“Kid, what are you doing here?” Miles found this peculiar.

“What do you think I’m doing? We’re here to save you guys.” 

“Kid, this whole thing’s a trap! They knew you’d be here! You guys have to get out!” 

“But-” Miles was interrupted by the sound of Gwen throwing Vulture against a wall.

“Kid, you need to get out.” 

“No, I’m not going to leave you.” Miles grabbed at the ropes wrapped around Peter and tore half of them off.

“Miles-”

“We’re not going through this again, Peter!” Miles snapped at Peter as he tugged the rest of the ropes off. “I’m not just a kid anymore! I’m Spider _ man _ . How am I supposed to prove myself when you won’t even give me a chance?” 

“Kid, I don’t want you to get hurt! This is the second time you’ve risked your life for us when you shouldn’t have to!” Peter scolded him as he stood up.

“I want to! I want to help you guys!”

“No, Miles. You shouldn’t have to get through this again.” 

“So what? You were just going to give up and let the others die?” Miles yelled.

“Miles, you don’t know what it’s like to have to be the cause of death of the people you love-”

“Yes I do! Peter Parker and My uncle ended up dying because of me!” Miles hadn’t noticed he sobbed the last part until a few moments after. They only stared at each other until Miles shook his head. “I’m not going to let the people I love die. Not again.” 

“Kid-”

_ “Miles, something’s wrong, I can’t track Gwen anymore.”  _

“I’m on my way, May.” Miles responded, ignoring Peter.

“Aunt May’s here?” Peter asked.

“Later. Gwen needs our help.”

  
  
  


The moment Gwen landed on the basement floor, her Spider-senses went off like mad. There was obviously danger everywhere but she had no idea where any of it was. Looked like Ock had torn up the whole bottom floor. Pretty much everything was destroyed, thrown around and discarded. Didn’t even look like a room anymore.

“May?” 

_ “I’m still here, hun.”  _

“Where’s everyone?” 

_ “Keep going down the hall for a bit. When you turn left, there should be a room with everyone in there. One of them is no doubt Liv so be careful.”  _ Following her instructions, Gwen crept down the hall, occasionally looking behind her to make sure The Vulture hadn’t followed her down. Honestly, she wasn’t sure how she was able to beat him so easily. It was unnerving. All she did was slam him into the wall a few times and kicked his head into the ground and that was it. 

Gwen shook her head and kept walking. Turning left, Gwen noticed there was a door that was securely locked, keypads and everything. As she was contemplating how to open the door, Gwen heard beeping from inside the room and immediately hopped onto the ceiling. Doc Ock walked out of the room, speaking to someone inside the room.

“...Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to take care of your little friends.” Ock grinned. She went to slam the door close but Gwen quickly shot a web to keep it from closing completely. This went unnoticed by Ock as she kept walking. After a few moments, Gwen leapt down and opened the door to see Peni hidden away in the corner. 

“Peni! Are you ok?” Gwen quickly went over to Peni’s side. Said girl looked up and stared at Gwen, as though she was trying to figure out it was really her or not.

“Gwen…? Gwen! No, you have to get out of here!” Peni urged.  

“It’s ok, Peni, we’ve beaten The Vulture already. Miles is freeing Peter B. right now. Where’s-” 

“Ah, Spiderwoman,” Doc Ock’s voice sounded through the room, “I was starting to think you’d never show up!”

“Where’s my friends?” Gwen turned to the mad doctor.

“Very straightforward, huh? I was hoping we’d chat for a bit before we got to the good part.” Ock smiled at Gwen for a few moments and was visibly disappointed when Gwen didn’t respond. “You Spiderpeople aren’t ones for talking when your lives are on the line.”

“Shocking.” 

“You know, I was hoping you’d show up with your other two friends, Peter and the newer one. You three were very persistent in shutting down my machine, the thing I spent my whole adult life in building.” 

“You talk a lot for a villain.” Gwen crossed her arms.

“Yes, well, Spiderpeople seem to appreciate some banter before and during a fight. Trust me, I’ve fought seven.” Ock shrugged. “Not to mention it’s the best way to stall for time. Haven’t you noticed sweet ol’ May hasn’t been talking to you the whole time?”  _ Shit. _

“What did you do?” 

“Only messed up the signal so you can’t chat with you friends outside this room.”  

Gwen groaned.  _ Of course she would.  _ Without warning, Gwen shot a string of web at Doc Ock, hastily slamming her against the door. 

“Okay, Peni, we gotta go now.” Gwen lifted Peni to her feet, seeing that she struggled to stand for a moment but quickly gained her balance.

“Gwen, wait-” Gwen suddenly felt a hand around her neck and was thrown backwards. “Gwen!”  She swiftly got back to her feet to see Noir was the one who threw her. 

“Noir? What’re you doing?” She saw as Ham landed on Noir’s shoulder, both of them staring at her.

“They won’t listen to you,” Ock said as she stood up, “only me. You’d be surprised how easy it is to control someone. Pretty interesting when you think about it.”

“You’re insane.” Gwen spat.

“That’s what having your greatest invention and being hit by a truck does to you. Spiderman, Spiderham.” The two Spiderpeople turned to her, “Mind fighting Spiderwoman for me?” Ock smiled, “Have fun.” she called as she slammed the door behind her. 

  
  
  


Honestly, Miles has had better days. He’s spent days with his parents, walking around Brooklyn, hanging out with friends, hell, he’d even consider the day he took the leap of faith a good day(Minus the whole Uncle Aaron thing but he didn’t think about that. Not as much as he used to anyway.) But his friends being kidnapped, getting into an argument with Peter, and losing contact with a friend who was being chased by a flying supervillain wasn’t exactly high up on his ‘Good days’ list. When they reached the room where Gwen was fighting the Vulture, both of them were nowhere in sight. 

“Peter, what’s up with Vulture?”

“What do you mean?” 

“Like, what kinda powers does he have?” 

“He’s got mechanical wings that basically shoot knives, superhuman strength, and can see things in the dark with his mask on. At least he can in my own dimension. Maybe it’s different here.” Peter shrugged. 

“...I’m sorry for all this, Peter.” Miles sighed. Peter looked down at the kid next to him.

“What are you sorry about?”

“If you guys didn’t come here, we wouldn’t be stuck in all this mess.” 

“Woah, kid, this isn’t your fault at all. We wanted to celebrate your birthday and have fun, not your fault our device fucked up. Don’t blame yourself.” Peter assured him, patting his back.

“I know, but… I just feel like I could have done more to help you guys before you guys got kidnapped.”

“It’s alright kid, you were lucky you left when you did. Ock really hates you so you’re still alive because of that.” 

“Yeah, I guess that’s a good thing.” Miles chuckled. The moment was interrupted when there was a slam heard from a giant hole the ventilation system. “That’s the hole Gwen made to get into the basement. That’s where the others are. Oh! I almost forgot.” Miles dug into his pocket and pulled out a tiny box, handing it to Peter. “Take one and put it in your right ear. May should be able to talk to you through it.” Peter mumbled something about how cool Aunt May was as he stuck the device in his ear. 

_ “Hello, Peter.”  _

“Hey, Aunt May.” 

_ “Still owe me a visit.” _

“Not the best time to talk about this.” 

_ “Right, from what I’ve seen, the moment you enter the room Gwen entered, I won’t be able to talk to you guys.”  _

“We'll be fine, May. Nothing Spiderman and Spiderman can't handle!” Peter laughed as he hopped into the vent. 

_ “I'll remind you of that later, Peter.”  _ May scoffed. 

  
  
  


The moment the door closed, Noir advanced.

“Ok, Noir, I know you don’t recognize me, but you need to stop-” Gwen dodged to her left when Noir shot a web at her.  Ham hopped off his shoulder and pulled out a mallet from seemingly nowhere. Gwen cursed when Ham slammed the hammer against her arm, hitting her into the wall.

“Ham, stop!” Peni shouted. He only glanced at her for a few moments before going back to fighting Gwen. Gwen really didn’t want to have to fight her friends and tried avoiding it as much as possible. It was kinda hard though, considering that Ham was hitting her with a giant mallet and Noir wasn’t holding any of his punches.

“Peni, did you see what Ock did to them?” Gwen asked, narrowly avoiding a punch to the gut.

“I think she put some device on them or something, but it's on the back of their heads, covered by their masks. I can try to take it off while you distract them.” 

Gwen nodded and tried jumping over Noir, only to be grabbed by the leg and swung back to the ground. 

“Sorry, Noir.” Gwen groaned as she kicked Noir in his groin with her free leg. The moment he released her, she went to remove his mask, finding the device attached right where Peni said it would be. It was very obviously placed because it was glowing red. 

Gwen had forgotten where she was for a moment and was suddenly wrapped up in webs. Ham kicked her, sending her flying against the wall. For a tiny pig, that bastard was really fucking strong, Gwen has to admit. 

She only had a few seconds until Ham would come at her with a mallet again.  _ Think, Gwen.  _ She scanned the room and noticed something she should have known to begin with. Noir can't see shit without his glasses. He used the goggles on his mask as a replacement for them when he was in his suit. Noir was still blindly looking for his mask. 

As predicted, Ham lunged at Gwen with his hammer, only to be kicked backwards, straight into Noir. Gwen tore off enough webbing for her to move and swiftly went over and kicked them towards the wall. She kicked him a bit too hard and they both hit the wall headfirst, immediately falling unconscious. 

“God dammit, where's Miles when you need him?”

“You called?” Both Peter and Miles stood at the doorway. 

“Talk about perfect timing.” Peni said as she walked over to the Spider people who were still on the floor. 

“The fucking happened to you, kid?” Peter asked as he helped Gwen out of the rest of the webbing. 

“Doc Ock used some device to jack up Noir and Ham's brains so they only listen to Ock.” 

“Well, we have to go, quickly. Ock loves comedic timings so god knows she'll pop up any second.” Peter suggested. 

“What about Noir and Hammy?” Peni asked. 

“We'll take them to May's house or something. We can think of a plan to stop Ock later.” Miles urged. All Spider people had fast healing so no doubt they'd wake up any second now. 

“Fine, ok.” Peni sighed. She hated that they couldn't do anything at the moment but she had to admit they had no better plan at the moment. Miles picked up Ham while Peter threw Noir over his shoulder. 

“This mission sucked..” Gwen groaned, giving Peni a piggyback ride. 

“This whole day kinda sucked for everyone. Let's just go get some rest.” Peter carried Noir out the room and swung up to the vents, everyone else following him. 

  
  
  


Noir was the first to wake up. He felt a sharp pain in the back of his head and a pounding migraine. Noir felt a soft, warm weight on his chest but he didn’t care enough to open his eyes to find out what it was. He heard voices coming from the left of him, soft whispers that he could barely make out. 

“...she’ll be back, we know she will.”

“She knows where Aunt May lives, we can’t just stay here.”

“What about the Peters? I’m honestly surprised they haven’t woken up yet.”

“Maybe we could ask MJ for help.” 

“No, we’re not bringing MJ into this.”

“You guys could crash at my house.” 

“We shouldn’t have to-”

“Peter, my house is the only safeplace. Ock has no idea where I live.”

Noir opened his eyes, his vision unclear without his mask.  _ Damn, no glasses. Where’s my mask?  _ Well, the figures weren’t facing him since they didn’t notice he was awake.  __ Noir glanced around and was able to make out the red and blue colors of Peter’s suit.

“Peter?” All four figures jumped when Noir spoke. 

“Noir? You’re awake?” Peter(?) asked as he hid a person in a white and black suit behind him. Noir believes it’s Gwen but why would Gwen hide from him?

“Unless I am dreaming.” Noir groaned, his headache feeling worse when he sat up. 

“Oh, uh, good? Maybe you should head back to bed.” 

“Why? Somethin’ wrong with Porker?” Noir asked.

“Well, yeah. Both of you, actually. You two kinda had a device stuck to the back of your heads that made you go all wacky.” Peni rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. Noir blinked at her for a few seconds before he reached to feel where the device was. It wasn’t there, but he could feel where it used to be since it stung slightly.

“Woah woah, ok, stop, Noir. It’ll only hurt when you try to touch it.” Miles told him. 

“What was it?”

“It’s a device that pretty much made you Ock’s puppet until we knocked you out.”

“What did I do?” Noir asked quietly.

“Well, you and Ham ganged up against Gwen.” Peter replied.

“Yeah, but I’m fine since you’re completely blind without your mask.” Gwen spoke for the first time in what felt like forever.

“No. You’re not fine. I coulda put ya in a Chicago Overcoat if you didn't blind me.”

“Noir, it’s not your fault-” 

“Doesn’t matter. I could’ve hurt severely hurt you. Where’s my mask?”  

Miles hesitated for a few seconds before handing Noir his glasses. 

“...I asked for my mask.” 

“It’s still in Ock’s lair. So is your hat. We kinda forgot them when we left.” 

Noir sighed before putting his glasses on, taking a few seconds to adjust. The second he was able to see, Noir saw how panicked everyone seemed, mainly Gwen.  _ Of course she’s scared of you. You tried to hurt her.  _ Looking down, he realized the weight on his lap was a sleeping Ham. Noir gently liften Ham and placed him down next to him.

“Where’re you going, Noiry?” Peni asked when Noir got up and walked over to the front door. 

“Away from here.”

“Noir, wait-”

“I’m going to go get fresh air.” Noir didn’t wait for a response before opening the door and swinging away.

  
  
  


Peter swung around for what felt like hours.  Maybe it was. He didn’t care. He just needed to get away. Where? He didn’t know. He just knew he had to leave. Noir had hurt a person he cared about, something he swore he’d never do. He didn’t care that it wasn’t his fault, he still did it. 

He never realized how difficult it was swinging through the air without his mask. The wind always got in his face. He had to adjust his glasses a few time and keep them from falling off. It was also difficult to remain intimidating when you look like someone who died.

Noir sat at the edge of a building, looking down at the city below. He was eating… what was it called? 

“A ‘popsicle’...” He mumbled to himself. 

Ham. He had forgotten Ham also had a device stuck on the back of his head. He felt bad for leaving, but he needed some time to think. 

“Hiya, Edge.” Noir turned to see Ham standing behind him. When the hell did he get there? 

“Uh, hi, Porker. When did you get here?” 

“Well, I woke up right after you left. We let you just swing around for a few hours until we all decided to try and find you.”

“How long have I been out?” 

Ham shrugged, “Two hours?” 

“Oh… I suppose it’s time I return to Aunt May’s.”

“We were actually planning on crashing at the kid’s house since Ock doesn’t know where that is. May’s gonna be there too, just to be safe.” Ham sat down next to Noir, playfully swinging his legs off the side of the building.

“I suppose that’s fair. Sorry for not getting you a popsicle.” 

“Eh, it’s fine. You didn’t know I would show up. Plus it’s too early for sugar, considering it’s like three in the morning.”

“Oh, right… So… how’re you dealing with the whole ‘mind control’ thing?” 

“Wouldn’t be the first time. Mind Control is kinda common in cartoons.” 

“Must suck.” Noir honestly didn’t really know how to respond. He was both tired and bad with basically any social interaction. Ham must’ve noticed so he decided to change the subject.

“Do you wanna go get pizza or something?” 

“Isn’t it too early for pizza?”

“Are you kidding? Anytime is pizza time.” He didn’t know why, but that made Noir smile slightly. 

Ham’s face felt warm when he saw the tiny grin on Noir’s face. He was glad Noir couldn’t see his face under the mask.

“Guess pizza sounds good right now.” Noir stood up, finishing up the last part of his frozen treat. 

“Nice! Race ya to the shop.”

“We don’t even know where the pizza shops are here.” 

“Oh, right.” Ham chuckled. “Well, guess we’ll have to search the streets of Brooklyn for pizza.” 

“I’m going to need a drink after all this.”

“&@^# me too.”

“You drink alcohol?” Noir raised an eyebrow.

“Of course I do. Even cartoons get tired of $%!+ sometimes.”

“Fair. So, shall we go find the pizza?”

“Mhmm!” Ham leapt off the building, Noir closely following behind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank for reading  
> Kudos and comment if you liked it cause this is honestly all I have motivation for nowadays uwu   
> (And yeah, the next chapter or two is just gonna be shenanigans and fluff to make up for all the shit that's happened in the previous chapters. *COUGH COUGH* DRUNK PETERS IN TWO CHAPTERS *COUGH COUGH*)


	7. Kid Gorgeous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noir and Ham eat pizza  
> John Mulaney is a thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there wasn't anything yesterday and I posted this later than usual  
> I got busy yesterday and I went to see Spiderverse for the third time today exrcftgyhuji

“Welcome to Blaze Pizza, where you can have your own custom made pizza just for you! Have you eaten here before?” The lady at the counter asked. She gave Noir an odd look but kinda just shrugged it off. Ham was standing on the ground so he couldn’t be seen at all.

“No, we haven’t.” 

“Um, ‘we’?” The lady asked. Noir bent down and lifted Ham enough for the lady to see him. She just stared at the pig, not really sure that what she was seeing was real.

“M’lady.” Ham tipped an imaginary hat (that for some reason made a sound despite that not even being possible.) The lady only blinked at him for a few moments before shaking her head.

“I’d ask questions but I guess I wouldn’t get many answers.” The two Peters looked at each other, then back at her, and shook their heads.

“No easy way to explain it anyway.” 

“Ugh, ok, whatever, what do ya guys want?” 

“I will have the mushroom pizza.” Noir answered.

“And I’ll have pepperoni!” 

Both Noir and the lady looked at Ham. 

“Are you sure? You do know what pepperoni is made of, right?” The lady asked.

“Duh, who doesn’t? Plus, is it really cannibalism if I’m a cartoon AND technically a spider?” 

Neither Noir or the Lady answered his question. “...ok… I guess. What are your names so I can call you up when they’re ready?” 

“The name’s Peter Parker.”

“My name is Peter Porker.”

“I’ll just call ‘Peters’ when they’re ready.” The lady groaned and went to go make the pizzas. The two Peters went to sit down at a table kinda far from the rest of the customers. Ham pulled out his phone from the void and quickly sent a group text.

_ John Mulaney: Hey guys, I found Edge. We’re eating pizza right now so you can head back the Mile’s house. _

_ Gwanda: Pizza at 3am? _

_ Sunflower: Sounds like something Peter would do lol _

_ JCPeni: Cause it is XD _

_ Trashman: I know but hey _

_ Trashman: Can I remove people from the groupchat? _

_ Gwanda: No _

_ Trashman: This is bullying _

_ Trashman: Respect your elders  _

_ Sunflower: I can change people’s names on the GC right? _

_ Gwanda: Yeah, I think so _

_ JCPeni: lol, why? _

_ [Sunflower changed Trashman’s name to OldAssMan] _

_ OldAssMan: HEY! _

_ John Mulaney: WThis is so sad _

_ Sunflower: ALEXA _

_ JCPeni: PLAY RÁPIDO _

_ Gwanda: THAT’S NOT THE RIGHT MEME _

_ JCPeni: YES IT IS _

_ Gwanda: IT’S “ARIANA, BLAST AFRICA BY TOTA” _

_ JCPeni: WHAT’S TOTA??? _

_ Sunflower: YOU’RE BOTH WRONG _

_ Sunflower: IT’S “ALEXA, PLAY DESPACITO!” _

_ JCPeni: WHAT?? _

_ Gwanda: WRONG _

_ OldAssMan: I hate this generation _

_ John Mulaney: Sorry, old man _

_ OldAssMan: Not you too, Porker. My own kind. Peters are supposed to stick together _

_ Gwanda: This Groupchat’s a mess _

Ham looked up when he heard Noir chuckle. He had never heard him truly laugh, but he lived for those chuckles either way.

“Whatcha laughing at, Edge?”

“The messages… and your name.” 

“What do you mean?”

“John Mulaney. He’s a real person in my dimension, not sure ‘bout yours.” 

Ham shrugged. “If he is, I never heard of him. I don’t even know that guy.” Noir reached into his jacket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. 

“Here,” Noir handed the paper to Ham, “it’s a newspaper article about him. Got a picture of the guy too.”

“...Do you carry this around with you everywhere you go?” Ham asked. Noir’s light grey faced turned fifty shades darker at the question and that was the moment Ham realized he had never seen Noir blush until that very second.

“I- uh, I just found him entertaining and so-” 

“Peters!” The lady called from the counter. 

Noir quickly stood up. “I’ll get it.” He left before Ham could even say anything. 

The pig laughed at his taller companion and unfolded the picture. It was obviously black and white but he saw he had dark hair, though not as dark as Noir’s. Noir had basically black hair. Ham had to admit John was dressed extremely nicely, wearing a suit and tie for pretty much no reason. He was a radio show host, a comedian of a sort, and acted in a few shows and on Broadway. 

_ “John Mulaney has recently moved the The Big Apple where he’ll be touring his new show ‘Kid Gorgeous”. Tickets are selling quick so get them now!”  _ The ‘Get them now’ part of the article was circled with a pen. _ “He will be performing at Radio City Music Hall in New York city! ‘It’s honestly a tragedy considering what I’m about to do in that building,’ Mulaney says, ‘Especially keeping in mind on how deeply haunted the building is. I’m sure I’ve walked through at least nine people my whole time here. Also, I swear, if The Spiderman shows up to save me while I’m here I will go bananas. I will give him a free ticket the moment I see him. The man’s basically a legend.’ You heard it here folks! The Spiderman may be there so this may be your only chance to see both Mulaney and the Vigilante hero!” _

Ham was startled when Noir dropped the two pizzas on the table in front of him. 

“Pizza’s here.” 

“I would’ve never guessed.” Ham handed over the paper to Noir. “He seems like a nice guy. You even get a free pass to his show!” 

“Oh, yeah, I do. Not sure I will get a free ticket though, I feel bad for that. Mulaney deserves the money. Plus his final show’s in three days and I’m not sure I’ll make it back in time.” Noir sighed as he folded the paper, put it away, and took a slice of pizza. 

“You’ll make it back! I’ll make sure you get to watch that show! I swear on my life.” 

“Thanks, Porker.” Noir chuckled. 

“Have you ever seen any of his shows before?”

“No, never, but I listen to his radio show everyday. Normally at home but pretty much when I’m not busy, I’m listening to the radio.” 

“You sure do seem to like him.” Ham said in between bites. Noir blushed again, much to his own dismay.

“Yeah, he’s just- I really like him cause he’s- I just think he’s really funny, that’s all.”

“Mhmmmmm, sure it is, Edge.”

“It is!’ Noir said defensively. Sure, he admired the man, maybe more than he should, but he just enjoyed his jokes, and his charisma, and basically everything about him.  _ Nonono, no thinking that way, Peter. _

“Hey, I don’t judge, Edge. It’s 2018… wait is it? No it’s 2019- It’s 2019, we’re all accepting here.” Ham said, only half jokingly.

“What do you mean?” Noir raised an eyebrow and took a bite out of his pizza.

“Well, you can be yourself now, you can love who you wanna love, no matter the gender. You can be whatever gender you want too.” 

Noir blinked at Ham for a few seconds. “Wait, you’re not joking?”

“Well, yeah, of course not. Everyone deserves to be happy and to be themselves.” 

“...oh… that’s comforting.” Noir fiddled with the piece of paper in his pocket. 

It didn’t occure to him that things may have changed over the course of nearly ninety years. Men with Men? Sure, it was a thing that happened but it was always looked down upon. Makes him look forward for the future. 

“Yeah, welcome to the future.” 

“So… you don’t look down on gunsels?”

“Gunsels?”

“Uh, homosexuals.” Noir replied. He forgot that his slang wasn’t exactly up to date.

“Oooooh, nah, I don’t. Would be odd to hate on myself, wouldn’t it?” 

“You’re homosexual?”

“Well, kinda? I’m kinda into both girls and boys.”

“Ah, I see… makes me feel better then.”

“Ooooooooooh? So you DO have a crush on John Mulaney.” Ham teased.

“What? You have no proof!” 

“You literally have a picture of him in you pocket!”

“Slander.” 

“Is that so?” Ham pulled out his phone and quickly Googled John Mulaney. He pressed a photo of him and noticed how he looks exactly the same as the other photo, only he’s in color this time. “So how about this photo, huh?” Ham asked as he turned his phone for Noir to see. Noir was immediately mesmerized by the picture, even taking the phone out of his hands.

“His hair… It’s not grey. What color is it?”

“It’s a dark brown.”

“I like it.”

“So you do have a crush on him! Hah!” 

“What? No- I’m just saying, he’s… a very nice person that I find mildly attractive.” Noir said, only bending the truth just a little bit. 

“Yeah, ok.” Ham winked at his friend. 

“You sound so much like him, it hurts.”

_ “Good.” _

  
  
  


Miles had stopped another robbery. Sure, he was supposed to be home by now but he couldn’t just help out. Plus his mom would be asleep and his dad had a night shift so he wouldn’t be home anyway. He tied the villain up and stuck him to the wall of the Alleyway, staying behind to make sure the cops came to arrest him. 

_ “Spiderman, Spiderman, friendly Neighborhood spiderman!”  _ Miles’ phone went off and he instantly knew who it was. He put specific ringtones for specific people so he didn’t have to look to know it was Peter. 

“Yo, Spiderman here.” Miles answered. 

_ “Hey, Miles. We’re sitting on top of you roof right now, except Noir and Ham. Where are you?” _

“Oh, I had to deal with a bad guy. I’ll be there in a few moments. I just need to make sure the cops get here.”

_ “Alright. Stay safe, alright? Ock’s still out there and I don’t want you getting hurt.” _

“Yeah, ok, I promise. Bye.”

_ “Bye, kid.” _

Miles put his phone away and looked around the corner to see whether or not the cops were there. After a few minutes, a familiar cop car pulled up.

“Da- I mean- Officer Davis!” Miles tried to make his voice significantly deeper. “How are ya doing, uh, this fine evening?”

“Hello, Spiderman, and I’m doing just fine. You caught someone?” Miles’ dad asked as he stepped out the police cruiser.

“Yeah, caught him trying to break into the bodega across the street.” Miles crossed his arms to try and seem tough which was difficult since he was shorter than his dad. His dad went over and cut the criminal off the wall and cuffed him. 

“Where’re ya friends, Spiderman?”

“Uh, what do you mean?”

“You know, the other Spiderpeople. There were like five others, weren’t there? They’re all over the news.” 

Miles blinked at his dad. “They are?”

“Duh. Think the city wouldn’t notice when their beloved Spiderman suddenly changed heights and got a new suit every night? This city may be dumb, but not unaware.” Jeff shrugged as he dragged the villain into the car. “There was a robot one, a Spiderwoman, regular old spiderman, a black and white spiderman, and… a spiderpig? What’s that all about?”

“Oh, uh, he’s actually Spiderham. He’s from a different dimension.”  _ You better shut up before you reveal something you shouldn’t. _

“Different dimensions? We got those now?”

“Well, we’ve always had them… Plus you’re literally talking to someone who was bitten by a radioactive spider who can climb walls, turn invisible, and can use electricity as a weapon. Is it really that weird?” Miles asked.

“Guess not. Just weird how all these things happen at once.”

“Yeah, sudden changes are hard. It was hard for me…”

“...You know, I swear I’ve seen that pig before. I just don’t know where.”  _ Fuck. Quick, think of a lie.  _

_ “ _ Uh, well, there’s Spiderham comics so there’s, like toys and stuff of him-” 

“Yeah, my son Miles got one for his birthday last week. Haven’t seen it around though.” Miles was slowly walking away as his dad was talking. He needed to get out before he accidentally says something that’ll get him in trouble.

“Yeah.. Uh, I gotta go so, uh, I’ll see you around?” Miles shot an awkward finger gun at his dad for a few seconds.

“See you around, Spiderman.” Jeff nodded. Miles swung away the moment his dad got into the car.  _ Good job. Totally convincing. Not suspicious at all.  _ Groaning, he made his way to hi house where Gwen, May, Peter, and Peni were hanging out. 

“Hey, guys.”

“Hi, Miles. Took longer than I thought you would.” Peter commented.

“Oh, my dad started asking me questions about you guys. Apparently six Spidermen swinging around the city doesn’t go unnoticed.” 

“I’d be surprised if it wasn’t.” Gwen was sitting next to Peni, both of them playing with the little spider that Peni carried around. 

“Yeah, he asked about Ham and I had to come up with an excuse as to how his son had a toy of it. I’m surprised he didn’t connect the dots with Peter B. and Noir.”

“What about me?” Noir landed on the other side of the building, Ham sitting on his shoulder. 

“Hi, Noiry!” Peni waved at him. Noir smiled softly and waved back. 

“Hello, Peter. We were just talking about how Miles’ dad is aware there’s more than one Spiderman now.” May told him.

“We need to be more careful. Can’t just be popping up everywhere on the news.” Peter shook his head. “We don’t belong in this dimension. Who knows what might happen when people start depending on six Spidermen.”

“Well, $#!+. A lady saw me and Edge at the Pizza shop.” 

“In our defence, she asked.”

“Ugggggggghh,” Peter groaned, “fine, whatever. It’s too early for this.” 

“But not too early for driiiiiiiiiiiiinks.” Ham said, pulling out a wine bottle out of his pocket.

“Hell yeah.”

“Peter, there are kids present.” May scolded.

“Oh, right. Aunt May, watch the kids. We’re gonna go get drunk.” 

“Can we just stay at the house for a few moments and think of a plan to on how to get you guys home before you guys go off and be bad role models?” Miles asked.

“Are we going to ignore the fact that Ham just has a bottle of wine at the ready?” Gwen pointed at the bottle still in the Pig’s hands.

“Hey, I’m a classy guy.”  Ham responded as he put the bottle away.

“All the Peters are terrible role models.” Peni said, standing up.

“But you love us anyway.” Peter cooed.

“Do we though?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I make the next chapter (The drunk chapter)  
> Angsty or keep it with shenanigans? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


	8. Escapism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunk boys  
> and Noir confesses his love for a certain pretty boy

Miles crawled into his room first, making sure it was safe for the others to get in. After he checked it was clear, he motioned the others to follow him inside. It was a tight fit since his room was fairly small but everyone was able to get inside. 

“Aww, you kept my mallet!” Ham picked up the giant cartoon hammer from under Miles’ bed. “Did it fit in your pocket?”

“Oddly enough, it did. Now keep it down, my mom’s still sleeping.” Miles said, shoving the hammer back under the bed. 

“We should have planned this out better.” Peter groaned.

“Still think we should’ve called MJ.” Gwen climbed the wall, ending up on the ceiling. 

“No, we’re not getting her involved in all this. The last thing she needs is more stress.” 

“So how are we going to get you guys home?” Miles asked.

“I saw the thing we need on Ock’s desk but we didn’t have time to grab it. We can sneak in and get it. The only reason we get caught was because we weren’t prepared.”

“We’ll still have The Vulture and Ock to deal with. If we don’t deal with them now, they’ll be a hassle for Miles’ to deal with later.” Peni said, hopping on top of the bed.

“True, but we’ll think of that all later. You all need some rest. It’s been a rough day.” May told them all.

“But-”

“I don’t want to hear it, Peter. Get some rest.”

“How’re we all gonna to sleep in here though?” Noir asked. 

“Well, we do have a guest room we never use. You guys could sleep there. Mom never goes in there until it’s cleaning day, which is in a few days so we’ll have time.” Miles suggested.

“Sounds good, though it’s only one bed, right?” Ham asked.

“Yeah, sorry. We do have extra pillows and blankets.”

“Peni and Gwen can sleep on the bed, the rest of us can sleep on the ground.” Noir concluded. Everyone agreed with the idea and climbed the ceiling, making their way to the guest room, Miles grabbing some pillows and blankets on his way there. It was fairly small but large enough to have Peter and Noir sleep on the ground. Ham could basically sleep anywhere due to his size so it didn’t really matter too much.  Miles layed a couple of blankets on the ground to cushion the Peters so they didn’t have to directly sleep on the ground. 

“Alright, we’ll discuss the whole Doc Ock situation later. Night guys.” Miles said as he made his way back to the door. The others said Good Night back, all making themselves comfortable. Miles locked the door from the inside as he closed the door. Aunt May sat in the corner, reading a book from one of the shelves.

Of all the places Ham could’ve slept, he decided the most comfortable spot was on Noir’s chest. Noir wasn’t expecting the pig to crawl on him the moment he closed his eyes. He opened one of his eyes to look down at the pig curled up on his chest. Noir wasn’t wearing his glasses but he could tell that Ham wasn’t in his suit. He was a light color. He recalled Ham calling it ‘pink.”

“Uh, Porker?”

“Hmm?”

“What’re you doing?”

“Trying to sleep. Is this ok or..? Cause I can get off if you want me to.” 

“Oh, no, it’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting it.” Noir absentmindedly scratched behind Ham’s ear and pet his head. The only thing he ever had curled on his chest was a stray cat that always hung around his home so he always just did it. For a split second, he wasn’t sure whether or not Ham would take offense to being treated like a pet and stopped.

“Why’d you stop?” Ham asked sleepily. 

Noir smirked and went back to petting Ham. He wasn’t sure how long before they both fell asleep.

  
  
  


The rest of the day wasn’t very eventful, other than the few times the Spiderfam snuck out of the room and Miles had to sneak them back in without his mom noticing. The moment came when both of Miles’ parents were out and they had the house to themselves for about three hours. They used these three hours very wisely.

“Driiiiiiiiiiiiiinks!” Ham shouted once Miles’ mom was a few feet away from the house. He pulled out his bottle of wine from earlier, manifesting wine glasses as well. 

“You guys are disasters.” Gwen groaned as they other two Peters went up to Ham.

“Boys, I was just about to go to the store. Can’t this wait till I get back?” May asked the three Peters.

“What? Why?”

“I can’t just leave the kids with three drunk Peters.”

“C’mon, Aunt May, you can just take the kids with you to the store.” 

“They’re not who I’m worried about. I want to stay here to watch over you.” May shrugged.

“Hey, we don’t need people to watch us-”

“Don’t worry, May, we’ll take care of them. Your nephews are safe with us!” Gwen assured them. Peni and Miles nodded, acting as though they were responsible adults.

“Ok, fine. Call me when they start doing anything stupid. From my own experience, Peter gets really emotional and will cry at almost anything so try not to put on any sad movies. I’m counting on you, kids.” May winked at them.

“I’m an adult!” Peter shouted at May as she left the house. 

“She’s not wrong, not going to lie.” Ham said as he poured out a glass of wine.

“I have to agree, we do get emotional.” Noir sat down next to Ham.

“I don’t like when she’s right.” 

“Alright, do you kids need anything?” Gwen asked the Peters mockingly.

“Gwen, don’t disrespect me like this again or we’ll have some problems.” Peter glared at her, stealing Ham’s glass of wine. The pig frowned at Peter before pouring another glass.

“Honestly, how hard can it be to take care of adults?” MIles asked, sitting down to start playing a movie.

  
  
  


Miles would soon come to regret those words. After Ham’s first drink, he was already clinging onto Noir’s leg. Because of how small he is, it was unbelievably easy for him to get drunk so the kids had to cut him off immediately. 

Noir had said something about how he didn’t watch many cartoons and Ham had begun to burst into tears. 

“E-edge doesn’t love me?” Ham said in between sobs.

“That’s not what I-”

“BUT YOU SAID YOU DON’T WATCH CARTOOOONS!” Ham wept into Noir’s pant leg.

The next to get drunk was Peter B.

All he had to do was look at Ariel from ‘The Tiny Siren’ for him to burst into tears and start rambling about how he misses MJ. 

“I-I miss MJ soooo muuuch. She- She deserves better than someone like me! I should be there… I THINK I MISSED DATE NIGHT!” 

Miles sat next to the sobbing Peter, awkwardly patting his back. “It’s ok, she’ll understand.”

“What if she hates me?”

“I’m sure she won’t-”

“BUT WHAT IF SHE DOES?”

While watching Detangled, Ham would curse out the horse on basically everything it did. Miles didn’t know exactly what had happened, but it ended with Ham screeching, “THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU’D SAY YOU DUMB #%&*!$@ HORSE!” 

The kids decided to distract them all by playing John Mulaney, which, unsurprisingly, drew Noir’s attention instantly.

_ “...I yelled ‘FUCK DA POLICE! FUCK DA POLICE!’ and everyone else joined in.”  _ Apparently, Noir was drunk enough to start shouting ‘Fuck da police’ too. When Noir started chanting, the other Peters went along with him.  It didn’t make it better that Ham had the same voice as Mulaney so it sounded like he was standing in the living room with them.

“I honestly didn’t think they’d get this bad.” Peni groaned, handing each Peter a cookie in an attempt to shut them up.

“Maybe we should put them to bed.” Miles suggested. “Ew, I sound like my mom.”

“Honeslty, that might be the best decision. Your parents come home in an hour so putting them to bed now might be easier.” Gwen nodded.

“Aww, but they’re funny when they’re drunk.” Peni whined.

_ “...and Alex said, ‘Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace’.”  _

Noir sighed loudly, staring deeply at the TV. “He’s p’rtty.” 

“Who is, Noir?” Miles asked.

“John M’laney. He’s ‘mazing. I love ‘em.” Noir slurred. 

“See? I told you he’s gay.” Gwen whispered to Miles and Peni.

“Thata surprise ‘r somethin’? Noir’s gay as FUCK for John!” Peter shouted at the top of his lungs. Ham pouted a little when Peter shouted that but said nothing.

“Alright, time for you three to go to bed before mom gets home.” 

All three Peters groaned loudly.

“Do we have to carry you guys to your room?” Peni scoffed at the three ‘adults’. 

“Yeaaaaahh.” the Peters responded in unison. So they did.

  
  
  


Once the kids thought the Peters were tucked in (Peter B. wrapped like a burrito on the ground and Noir laying down with Ham on his chest again) the three of them closed the door and went to go clean up the living room.

“...psssst. Guys. Peters. Guys. Peeeetteeeeeeeeers.” 

“Yeah PB?” Ham whispered back.

“Are you guys up?”

“I am, think Edgy’s sleeping.” 

“Awwwwwwww, but it was getting fuuuuun.”

“No, am awake.” Noir mumbled. 

“Oh! Hi, Edgy! I havn’t seen you since… a minute.”

“Pork, you’r sleeping on him.”

“Your point?” Ham tugged on Noir’s shirt, snuggling into it. 

“Oh, n-nothhiiing.” Peter yawned.

“What’s the matter Petey, ya tired?” Noir asked.

“I don’t get tired. I get results.”

“Says the guy who’s wrapped like a burrito.” Ham mocked.

“You’re lucky we haven’t made a ‘pig in a blanket’ joke.” Peter hissed.

“You wanna fight, B?”

“Nuh uh, I’m sleepy. Maybe tomorrow.” Peter flopped over to his other side with a thud. 

Ham mumbled incoherent insults at Peter, stopping only when Noir patted his head. 

“Shhhhhh, you should sleep, Porky.”

“Make me.” Ham stuck his tongue out at Noir. He nearly turned red when Noir actually laughed. Full on laugh. Most likely because he was drunk and Ham will probably never hear it again but he’ll take whatever he could get. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Peter slowly falling asleep. 

“You’re a handful, Porker. I loveable handful.”  Noir chuckled. 

“Uh, no you? Minus the handful part. You’re just lovable.”  _ Smart one, Peter. _

“You’re quite lovable yourself, Porker. Fairly cute too. For a pig.” Noir teased. Ham wasn’t used to people complimenting him, nonetheless Noir being goofy so he had no way to hide how red he was getting. He was hoping that Noir wouldn’t notice in the darkness.

“Oh, uh, thanks.” Ham lifted his head up to look directly at Noir. He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol but Ham felt a sudden surge of confidence. He needed to tell him. He had to.  _ Poker, you’re being ridiculous. You need to stop before you say something you might regret-  _ “Hey, Edgy, could I talk to ya for a moment?”  _ Well $#!+. _

“Yeah, no problem, Hammy.” Noir sat up, gently picking Ham up and placing him on his lap. Ham sat on his lap, looking right up at his companion. “What’s up?”  _ Ham, don’t do this. Stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop- _

“I… need to tell you that, uh…”  _ Tell him already, you can’t just back out now.  _

“It’s alright,” Noir patted Ham’s head, “take your time.”  _ God, he’s so nice. Too nice. He looks so handsome, his black hair, his tiny smile, his practically silver eyes… Tell him. Tell him. Tellhimtellhimtellhim- _

Noir’s eyes went wide when Ham suddenly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled his face down. Their faces were only a few inches away, Ham silently panicking from what was going on.  _ Kiss him, Porker. Do it. DO IT. _

“...I can’t.” Ham said so quietly Noir wasn’t sure he had actually said anything.

“What?”

“I-I can’t,” he let go of Noir’s shirt, scooting back a little, “I’m- I’m sorry.” 

“Porker? What’s wrong?” Noir stopped Ham from moving away by placing this hand on a shoulder, comforting him to an extent. 

“I shouldn’t-”

“Peter, please, tell me what’s wrong.”

“Noir, I… I think I like you but I can’t- I shouldn't have told you, uh, just ignore all this, it doesn’t matter. Please just forget any of this ever ha-” Ham was silenced when Noir carefully tilted his head down and gently kissed his forehead.

“I love you too, Porker.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu


	9. Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ham is being gay while trying to understand Noir  
> May goes for a flight

Ham was hit with several different emotions at once. Noir said he loved him. Ham almost felt relieved until he realized Noir said that basically to everyone. He loved his Spiderfam, he was very open about it. For all he knew, Noir could just be using it in a platonic sense. Hell, he’s still tipsy from alcohol, he’s not even thinking completely straight (then again, he’s not straight.)

“Uh, you do?” 

“Course I do, you’re wonderful. Just like Mulaney.”  _ Oh, that’s why.  _

Ham knew he sounded like John but he hadn’t thought that would change anything. Was that the only reason Noir even liked him? No, it couldn’t be. 

“...Oh…” Ham scooted back a little bit, “thanks, bud.”

Noir yawned loudly, plopping back down on his pillow. “Need sleep. You too, Porker.” 

“Yeah, ok… Can I ask you a quick question first?”

“Mhmm, wassup?” 

Ham crawled back on Noir’s chest, “Do… Do you like me? Like, really like me?”

“Sure I do. You’re my best friend.” Noir slurred slightly. 

Ham sighed. He couldn’t help but hope Noir had said something else. Despite the fact, he was happy, to an extent. If he couldn’t be with Noir romantically, he’d be just as happy to be his best friend. Ham curled up on his chest, holding back a yawn.

“Thanks, Edge, that’s all I wanted to know.”

“Night, Porker.” 

“Good Night.”

  
  
  


Miles woke up to the sound of his dad shouting for him.

“Miles! Miles, where are you?”

He groaned, getting up from his bed.

“Yeah, dad?” Miles called back. His dad bursted through the door, breathing frantically. Once his dad saw him, he pulled him into a hug.

“Oh thank god, you’re alright.”

“Dad? What happened? Something wrong?” Miles asked when he realized his dad didn’t plan on letting him go.

“You haven’t heard?” Jeff asked, pulling away from the hug slightly.

“Heard what? I was watching movies all night until I went to bed.”

“There was an attack on a neighborhood about block away from here.”

“What? What happened? Is everyone alright?”  _ Dammit, the one day I don’t go on patrol, something happens. _

“Some crazy flying dude swooped down and started wrecking the whole street up. Lot of people hurt but no one’s dead.”  _ Thank god.  _ “Though someone was kidnapped.” 

“Who?” 

“Some older women, people think it was May Parker.” 

Miles went silent. He didn’t think about whether or not May had made it back to the house. They went to sleep immediately after cleaning up. He just assumed she would’ve made it back after they went to sleep. Now she was in danger.

“Miles? Miles, what’s wrong?” 

“I… I have to go.” Miles tried to walk past him, only to be stopped by his dad grabbing his shoulder.

“Nonono, no you don’t. Didn’t you hear what I just said? I’m not letting you out the house by yourself. It’s too dangerous.”  

“Dad, please, I need to go. I have to help.” 

“Miles, I’m not going to repeat myself. You can’t go out by yourself.” 

“Dad-”

“No, Miles. You’re going to stay here until we know for sure it’s safe.” Jeff rebuked.

“Dad, I can take care of myself! Please, someone needs to help!”

“The police are already working on it! We’ll find out who it is and where he took her, it’s not your job to find her!”  _ But it is.  _ “We’re gathering information as we speak. Leave it to the police for once.”

“You want information? Fine, the person who destroyed half the block was The Vulture and he took Aunt May to the Alchemax Building where Doc Ock’s hiding. Also, Doc Ock really hates the Spidergang and is trying to kill them all and possibly wants to create another Collider and open a black hole under the city again. Is that enough information?” Jeff stared at his son for nearly half a minute before he said anything.

“Miles...” Jeff sighed, “I just don’t want you to get hurt. This was like nothing you’ve ever seen.”

“You don’t know what I’ve seen.” 

“Yes, I do, Miles, trust me. I… I know.” 

“What?” Miles looked at his dad curiously. 

“You think I wouldn’t notice you sneaking out at night? That I wouldn’t recognize your graffiti on the paper you left on Mr. Fisk? Miles, I know you’re Spiderman. I’ve known ever since the incident at the Fisk Building and I love how you’re doing what you feel is right but… I can’t just let you go by yourself.”

Miles blinked at his dad, expecting this to be just a dream. 

“You’ve… you’ve known the whole time? Then why did you ask me about Ha- er, Spiderham?”

“I wanted you to tell me yourself, but I didn’t want to just ask you about it.” Jeff’s grip on his son’s shoulder tightened, though nowhere near strong enough to hurt him. “You’ve done amazing things and I’m so proud of you but I can’t bare to think about what might happen to you. Every time you leave the house, I worry I might never see you again after what happened to Peter Parker, that’s why everytime you’re at a crime scene or that something’s gone wrong, I’m the first cop there. I have to step in when you’re in over your head.”

“Dad… I know you’re worried, but I have friends to help me. I need to help Aunt May and my friends and I are the only ones who can stop Doc Ock and the Vulture. Please…” 

Jeff sighed, contemplating his decision. After a few minutes, he pulled Miles into another hug, one much more tighter than the last one. 

“...ok, just promise me you’ll be safe. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.”

Miles hugged back instantly, “I promise, dad. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” They remained that way for a few moments before Miles pulled away and sprinted out of the room, down the hall. 

“Where’re you going?” His dad asked him.  _ Damn, I forgot to tell him. _

“Uuhhhh, the Spidergang’s kinda been staying in the guest room since yesterday.” Miles laughed nervously.

“And you were planning to tell me this when?”

“Never?” Miles shrugged as he knocked on the door. There where faint whispers from the other side of the door before it was swung open.

“Hey, Mi-” 

“Ok, we don’t have much time, Gwen. Something’s happened.” Miles interrupted her. This caught everyone’s attention, each person turning their head to find out what was going on.

“What’s happened, kid?” Noir asked, sitting up, startling a drowsy Ham.

“Aunt May’s been taken by The Vulture.” That got everyone to hop right up to their feet. 

“Where’d he take her?” Peter asked.

“He might’ve taken her to Doc Ock’s lab.” Peni suggested, trying to shake off her drowsiness.

“Well, we need to act now before something else happens.” Noir said, walking over to the drawer and putting on his glasses.

“What about Peni? She doesn’t have SP//dr to fight!” Miles gestured to her.

“Excuse me, just because I fight with SP//dr, it doesn’t mean I can’t fight!”

“How strong are you?” Gwen asked.

“Uh, average?”

“Peni should stay here, she’ll be safer. Who knows how dangerous The Vulture can be now that he has Doc Ock’s tech.” Noir commented.

“No! I want to help you guys!” Peni whined.

“Peni, you need to stay here. I don’t need you getting hurt.” Noir scolded.

“But-”

“Miles!” Jeff shouted from across the house. The Spiderpeople, with the exception of Miles, all froze.

“Your dad’s still here?” Peter asked quietly.

“Oh, yeah. What is it dad?” Miles shouted back.

“Get in here, bring your friends too!” 

“...he knows we’re here too?”

“...yeah. Let’s go.” 

The Spidergang awkwardly walked out to the living room where Miles’ dad was, watching the TV. They all felt awkward in front of Miles’ dad, despite already meeting him before. Peter was still wearing a messy tee and sweatpants, Gwen and Peni were wearing oversized t-shirts and PJ pants, Ham wasn’t wearing anything other than one of Miles’ hoodies he had found, while Noir was wearing a white button down shirt and dress pants (which was the only thing he was willing to sleep in for some reason. They tried getting him to wear something else, but he wouldn’t wear anything.) They were certainly an interesting group. Jeff only looked at them for a few moments before shaking his head and turning back to the TV.

“Something’s happening on Thirteenth Avenue.” Jeff pointed at the news report onscreen. 

“It’s-”

“Doc Ock.” Peter finished grimly.

_ “A crazed Doctor Olivia Octavius, formerly presumed dead lead Scientist of Alchemax, seems to be destroying half of Thirteenth Avenue. The cause of her rage is unknown but it is advised that all citizens evacuate the area immediately. The mad doctor has been using four extra arm extensions to terrorize the city...” _

“We have to get down there and stop her.” Peter turned to look at the Spiderpeople.

“What about Aunt May?” Ham asked.

“Perhaps we should wait, Ock could destroy half the area if we don’t stop her right now.” Noir pointed out, adjusting his glasses.

“What if it’s just a distraction? Maybe a trap?” 

“Peni’s right. She might be doing this to distract us from saving May. We need a plan.” Gwen sighed. 

“Ok, how about Miles, Gwen, and I go take down Doc Ock, we’re the ones she hates most while the rest of you go save Aunt May?” Peter suggested.

They all nodded and went to change into their suits. All Ham had to do was twirl around and, in a cartoonish style, the hoodie he was wearing magically changed into his Spidersuit. Jeff stared at the cartoon pig, still trying to adjust to the living cartoon in his living room. Ham looked back at him for an uncomfortably long time.

“Howdy, I’m Peter Porker.” Ham held out his hand. Jeff awkwardly shook it before the cartoon pig ran off. 

“This kid’ll be the death of me.” Jeff sighed.

Peni ran out of the bathroom in her usual school uniform, putting on an earpiece. After a few minutes, the rest of the Spiderpeople walked out in their own suits. 

“Alright, lets go.” Peter walked past Jeff, giving him a small wave before opening the door and swinging onto a building. The other Spiderpeople did the same, Gwen saying a quick, “Goodbye, Mr. Davis.” before following the others. Noir had to carry Peni on his back as he swung away. Miles was the last one to leave, staying behind to say one last goodbye to his dad. It was Jeff’s first time seeing Miles’ in his suit without his mask on and he was feeling a lot of mixed emotions at the time.

“...Miles, please stay safe.” 

“I will dad, I promise.” Miles’ dad pulled him into one last hug.

“Just know I’m proud of you, Miles. I love you.”

“I love you too, dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo this fic's gonna be a lot longer than expected, not because of the Doc Ock situation, but because after that all gets figured out, there's just going to be of slice of life shenanigans with the Spiderfam.   
> And yes, Rio knows about Miles being Spiderb0i but she's at work, I forgot to mention that xdrftgyhuji
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> And no, this is not the end of Ham's quest for mega gay ;))))


	10. Cherry Bomb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The A team fights an Octopus
> 
> The B team has an explosive encounter and a wild MJ appears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This actually turned out slightly different than I thought uwu  
> also, I'm bad at action/fighting scenes and I'm so sorry

Doc Ock wasn’t an idiot, everyone knew that, she was the exact opposite, actually. She was a genius inventor with unbelievable creations that could destroy an entire city. It wasn’t really a surprise to her when three familiar looking figures swung onto the building nearby, looking for a fight. It was her plan, after all.

“Ah, Spiderlings.” Ock grinned as she turned to face the three. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Ock lowered herself to be face to face with the three Spiderheroes, all of which were standing on top of a building nearby.

“I was kinda hoping it would’ve been longer.” Peter grunted.

“Where’s your little friends, hmm? Spiders of a fang crawl together, don’t they?” 

“It doesn’t matter, we’ll beat you to a pulp anyway.” Gwen threatened.

“Or just apprehend you.” Miles interjected.

“You talk too much.” Ock yawned.

“Isn’t that a bit hypocritica-” Miles was knocked several feet back, nearly falling off the edge of the roof, when Doc Ock used one of her arms to strike him in his stomach.

Gwen had to bite her tongue to keep her from calling out Miles’ name, quickly making her way to his side. 

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just wasn’t prepared for that.” Miles groaned, getting back up. Peter barely made it out of the way of one of Doc Ock’s arms. 

“You kids alright?” Peter shouted.

“We’re fine!” Gwen replied.

“Good.” Peter  swung himself towards Ock, punching her on her stomach. Doc Ock was thrown off her balance for a few seconds, nearly falling from the sky.

_ “He’s just thrown her off her rhythm!”  _ All three spiderpeople heard Ham’s voice in their earpiece. 

“Ham, now is not for your stand up comedy routine.” Gwen groaned into her own earpiece, sticking one of Ock’s arms into the nearest building.

“How can you even see from where you are?” Miles asked as he went invisible.

_ “Magic.”  _

“Don’t you have your own mission to focus on, Ham?” Gwen grunted as she was thrown into a wall by one of Ock’s free arms. 

_ “Doesn’t mean I can’t make jokes-” _

_ “Alright, Porker, let’s stay on track here.”  _ Noir’s voice could be heard through the earpiece. Doc Ock tore her webbed arm off the building, facing her enemies. Ock was punched by an invisible Miles, whom she grabbed and slammed into the ground repeatedly. 

“You know, you’re really annoying after a while.” Ock’s second arm grabbed the back part of a car, throwing it directly Peter, who was going to help out Miles. Peter was crushed into the wall for a few seconds before throwing the car back at her, narrowly missing her head. Doc Ock lost interest in crushing Miles and started making her way towards Peter until Gwen got in her way.

“Yeah, I don’t think so.” Gwen spat as she kicked the side of Ock’s head, quickly spinning around to hit her again in her stomach.

While Gwen distracted Doc Ock, Peter went up to Miles.

“You fine, kid?” Peter asked, helping Miles get back up.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Kingpin’s worse.” Miles groaned. 

“Alright kids, here’s the plan, I’ll try webbing her arms together and, Gwen, you keep her distracted.” Peter whispered into the earpiece. 

“What about me?” Miles asked.

“You've got the most important job...”

  
  
  


Noir always had a soft spot for his Spiderfamily (or ‘Spiderfam’ as Miles calls it) and he would do basically anything and everything to keep them safe. Though he didn’t know why he agreed to not only carry Peni on his back as he swung, but to let Ham sit on his shoulder despite being perfectly capable to use his webshooters. Sure, Peni was wearing webshooters they found in original Peter’s little spidercave but she didn’t know how to swing through the city yet and Noir would rather not risk having Peni fall to her death.

“Remind me why I’m carrying you, Porker.” Noir turned his head towards the pig slightly.

“Because you love me.”

“Debatable.” Noir raised an eyebrow. Ham gasped dramatically, clutching his heart as though it had begun to hurt.

“How could you? I thought we had something special. Apparently it was all a lie.” Ham exclaimed.

“Oh please, Noiry loves us, even when he won’t admit it. He’s a big ol’ softie.” Peni cooed, wrapping her arms around Noir’s neck, hugging him. Ham saw Noir flushed slightly but decided not to call him out on it. They swung in silence for a while, making their way to the Alchemax Building until their Spidersenses went off.

“You guys feel that?” Peni asked, looking down. 

“Mhmm.” Noir sensed it, landing on a wall, looking over his shoulder, catching glimpse of what looked to be an odd device…

“Porker, what is that?” Noir asked, pointing at the device stuck to the wall. From what he could see, it had a timer or something.

“Bomb!” Ham hopped off of Noir’s shoulder. Ripping off the explosive from the wall, he saw that he had only twenty-two seconds to get rid of it. He couldn’t tell how big the explosion would be so he had to think fast. Fortunately, Peni was significantly quicker. She shot a web at Ham (nearly missing) and quickly pulled both him and the device back to her. After examining the bomb for not even a second, she shoved the device back into Ham’s hands and turned to Noir, who was silently freaking out since he literally had a bomb on his back.

“Noiry, about how far can you throw?”

“Not sure, never tested it.” 

“Well, time to test it. Throw Hammy as far up as you can. Ham, throw the bomb once you’ve gone as high as possible and come down immediately.” Peni ordered them.

Ham opened his mouth to protest but was immediately cut off when Noir picked him up. Noir mumbled a soft ‘Sorry’ before launching him straight up into the air. Ham tried not to scream as he was thrown straight into the air but he was caught somewhat off guard by it. Since Noir was stronger than basically every normal human ever (well, all of the Spiderfam was), Ham was thrown unbelievably far in an extremely fast pace. Once he felt himself starting to slow down, he hurled the bomb even farther than before. Ham felt himself get pulled down by a web that was stuck to his back (that definitely wasn’t there a second ago.) He was still being pulled down when the bomb exploded. It wasn’t too big, but it was clearly enough to collapse a building or two. 

Ham was pulled into Noir’s arms, who was still staring up at where the explosion went off. 

“My hero~” Ham sighed dramatically. Noir only gave him a puzzled look before resting him on his shoulder. 

“Why was that bomb there?” Noir pondered.

“Maybe there’s someone or something inside the building no one wanted people to see. Or maybe some jackass trying to get rid of someone they don’t like.” Peni suggested.

“Language.” Noir said, almost instinctively. He blushed when Peni started giggling but continued, “I also agree with you, probably something in there. Might need to check it out.” 

“What about Aunt May?” Ham asked.

“It can wait a few seconds. Whoever was anywhere near the building narrowly avoided death mere moments ago.” Noir shook his head as he hopped towards the building, making sure his glasses didn’t fall off as he did. The building was an apartment building about seven floors high.  _ Of course it was an apartment. Who cares if a building full of completely innocent people collapsed? Clearly not the prick who put the bomb there in the first place.  _ Noir shook away his thoughts before he landed on the wall of the building where the bomb was. 

“You see anything in there?” Noir asked, not really wanting to be the one peeking through a stranger’s window. He heard two small gasps from Ham and Peni before Ham turned to him.

“It’s MJ’s house.”

  
  
  


“Alright, that’s enough!” Doc Ock grabbed Gwen by her leg and swung her into Miles. “I’m getting tired of you three. Why won’t you just die?”

“Oh, I’m sure you’d miss us if we did.” Peter mocked, sticking two of Ock’s arms tightly together. “Not to mention I’m not going to let the kids meet the same fate as the other Peter. I’d rather die than let that happen.”

“That can be arranged.” Ock growled as one of her arms grew a circular at the end.

“Poor word choice, Peter.” Gwen grunted, using a web to tug on the saw-ended arm. Miles leapt over Gwen, being able to get a punch right onto Ock’s jaw. He swore he heard a ‘pop’ when he landed the hit but ultimately ignored it, hoping it was just his imagination. 

“Hey, ‘ _ GhostSpider’ _ !” Peter called, somewhat mockingly. He never got used to Gwen’s Superhero name but he couldn’t just call out her real name. “Mind  _ lending me a hand _ ?” Peter finished with a wink. Gwen nodded, understanding what Peter meant, and swung around Doc Ock, still holding one of her two free arms. Ock obviously wasn’t about to stand for that and was about to use her other free arm to stop them until she realized it was the only thing keeping her from falling. Didn’t make it any better when Miles came back to elbow her in the shoulder. 

“Thanks, kid.” Peter took the third arm from Gwen and stuck it to the other two. “Hey, bud, need your help over here.” Miles swung over, switching places with Gwen on keeping Doc Ock distracted.

“Wassup, Peter?”

“Ok, kid, these webs won’t hold her much longer so I need you to use your magic.” 

Miles nodded and grabbed the arms, making sure not to get to close to the circular saw. He squeezed them ever so slightly and electricity bursted to life right at his fingertips. He actually forgot about his venom strike sometimes. It was useful but he didn’t like having to hurt people more than he had to. Except Kingpin. He had no problem with electrocuting Kingpin and throwing him into a ceiling.  _ The bastard deserved it. He needed to pay for…  _ Miles’ thoughts were interrupted by Doc Ock’s screams.  _ Oh, yeah. You just Venom Striked her. _

“Nice work, kid. Good to know you can still do it on command” Peter teased. Miles scoffed before tugging off the saw from one of the arms, using it to cut all three of the webbed arms off. Needless to say, Ock wasn’t exactly prepared for either the Venom Strike or the sudden loss of three of her arms, which lead her to nearly fall to her doom if it weren’t for Gwen, who caught her by her last arm. Due to her arm being attached to her back, Doc Ock was facing straight down at the city below. It only took the Spiderpeople a few seconds to wrap her up in webs, tearing off the last of her four arms.

“Honestly, Ock, I expected more from you. You didn’t even need to be hit by a truck this time.” Peter said as he hoisted Doc Ock up to the roof.

“I wouldn’t be too cocky, Peter.” Doc Ock spat. “You seriously don’t believe this little attack was all I had plan, do you?”

“Duh, that’s why the others aren’t here.” Gwen shrugged.

“Yeah, they’re going to go save May and take down Vulture.” Miles rubbed the back of his shoulder, already feeling a bruise forming after being slammed into the concrete several times. He was honestly surprised it wasn’t any bigger but he thanked his fast healing for that. 

“You underestimate me, Peter.” Doc Ock smirked. 

“What did you do?” Peter raised the villain up by her neck.

“I wanted things to end with a bang. Specifically for a certain Mary Jane.” Doc Ock was dropped to the ground, Peter instantly disappearing into the city. 

“Peter!” Gwen called to him, getting no response in return. 

“Might wanna go chase him before he does something crazy.” Doc Ock smiled innocently. Gwen glared at her before she went to follow Peter. Miles took it upon himself to stick Doc Ock upside down on a wall until police arrived.

Miles was already gone when Jeff arrived and he had to keep himself from calling out his name in an attempt to see if he might’ve stuck around. Jeff groaned when he realized that not only did Miles go off to possibly fight another villain, but that he had to unstick Octavius from the damn wall. 

“Goddamnit, kid.” Jeff mumbled quietly.

  
  
  


MJ was having a fairly normal day. She was cleaning the house, gone shopping, making herself dinner, trying not to cry in front of the mural of her and Peter on their wedding day. You know, the usual. She was not, however, expecting to walk into her living room and see a little girl and a… pig(?) hanging outside her window. Not to mention she was five floors off the ground. Once the girl and pig noticed she had spotted them, they ducked their heads under the window. MJ hesitated for second, considering not even going to go look until she realized the pig was wearing a Spiderman costume. Opening the window and looking down, her day went from odd to straight up weird.

A little girl was carried by a seemingly edgier and Noir-like version of Peter, complete with a trenchcoat. The Spiderman had a cartoonish, anthropomorphic pig on his shoulder, wearing a Spiderman costume. They all stared up at her, not really knowing what to say. MJ would’ve screamed or fainted if she didn’t know better. 

Instead, she opened her mouth and hesitated a moment before asking, “Do you want some tea?” They all blinked at her before nodding. She turned away, making her way to the kitchen. MJ heard the Noir Peter crawl into the room, carrying the other two with him. She tried not to panic or straight up cry when she saw the Peter. He looked almost identical to him, minus the glasses, scars, and his oddly colored… everything. But she reminded herself that, in the end, it wasn’t Peter. It can’t be. He’s dead. He’ll always be dead. Choking back a sob, she put water into a teakettle, waiting for it to heat up. She only had tea for when Aunt May came over since she had a big appreciation for tea.  _ Peter did too.  _ When she turned to look at the living room, she saw that the three strangers where whispering to each other. Her eyes remained on the Peter lookalike longer than the other two before she turned away. Once the tea was ready, she walked into the living room, handing each their own cup. She wasn’t sure if they wanted sugar or anything so she brought sugar, just in case. To her surprise, the Noir Peter put a load of sugar into his drink, while the girl put only a little and the pig put none. The four sat in silence for what felt like hours, the only sound being made were sips and the cups being placed against the coffee table. MJ decided that she was going to be the one to break the silence since the strangers really seemed to be uncomfortable. 

“Well, it’s nice to meet you three.” MJ looked at the three, only getting awkward nods in response. “My name is M-”

“Mary Jane Watson. We know who you are.” Noir Peter cut her off. MJ was both freaked out and relieved. First, he said it in a very creepy way and second, he didn’t sound like Peter at all. He had a very deep, gravely voice.

“Well.. do you plan on introducing yourselves?” She asked. The three looked at each other uncomfortably, the little girl whispering something into Not-Peter’s ear, who nodded and turned to MJ.

“This here is Peni Parker,” MJ tried to ignore her last name, “the pig’s Peter Porker,” she tried ignoring his first name, “and my name’s Peter Parker.” ignoring his name was absolutely impossible. MJ nearly dropped her cup if it wasn’t for Noir Peter, who quickly bent over the coffee table to keep it from shattering. She wasn’t sure exactly what compelled her, but she reached out and placed a hand on the Peter’s cheek. He seemed shocked for a second but ultimately decided to let her. 

It wasn’t too weird for Noir. MJ lost her Peter and was still probably broken by all of this, not to mention Noir once had his own MJ before things inevitably went south so this wasn’t the most awkward thing in the world.

MJ brought up he second hand, cupping Noir’s face and staring at him, as though she was studying it, which she probably was. MJ was silent for a few seconds, only moving to use her thumb to rub Peter’s cheekbone before swallowing harshly.

“P-Peter?”

“Hey, Doll.” Noir sighed. Ham and Peni only watched, not really sure what to say or do. “I-I thought- I thought you were dead.” her voice trembled. 

“Well, I am dead in this dimension, babe.” 

“You’re… not my Peter?” MJ asked. When Noir shook his head, she sighed, still not removing her hands from his face.

“I’m sorry.” Noir used one of his hand to move a few strands of hair from MJ’s face. 

“C-Can I…” she paused, taking a shaky breath, “Can I hug you?” The moment Noir nodded, MJ wrapped her arms around his neck, holding on as though her life depended on it, crying into his shoulder. Despite agreeing to the hug, Noir hesitated to hug back. He was always stiff and awkward and the last thing he wanted was to make MJ uncomfortable. He’d never admit it, but even after all those years, he deeply cared for Mary Jane. After a few moments, he decided to finally hug back. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That sure did get angsty at the end  
> Leave a comment or Kudos if you enjoyed because I'm a whore for attention


	11. I'm a Sunflower, a little funny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MJ meets everyone  
> Ham is a dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mainly filler/fluff since I got unexpectedly busy this week and didn't feel like writing a 'plot heavy' chapter (I say that since this will be mostly shenanigans in the end)

“Peter, wait!” Gwen shouted at the frantic adult. Peter didn't even glance back, making his way through the city. He was sloppy when it came to his swinging. More than usual at least. He was tense. Miles eventually caught up to them, glancing at Gwen with a face of concern. They all swung in silence, following Peter until they stopped at a building. Gwen noticed that the moment Peter spotted the building, his entire body relaxed.

“Oh thank god.” Peter mumbled.

“Where are we, Peter?” Miles asked once they landed on the wall.

“MJ’s house. Doc Ock must’ve planted a bomb but everything seems alright and my Spidersenses aren’t going off so it must not be a problem anymore.”

“Then… where’s the bomb?” Gwen looked around.

“Hmm… Not sure.”

“Do you think she’s home? Maybe we could meet her!” Miles suggested.

“No, absolutely not. We don’t need to stress her out. Just imagine how upset she’ll get when she sees me. I don’t want that for her.”

“How noble of you. Must be popular with the ladies.” Gwen teased.

“Only for my one and only MJ.” Peter halfjoked.

“Odd flex but nice.” Miles raised an eyebrow.

“You mean ‘Strange show off yet alrighty’ you uncultured swine!”

“Lies!”

“I despise modern day jokes.”

  


Noir remained in MJ’s embrace for several long minutes, letting her cry into his shoulder. After what felt like an eternity, he heard faint voices. He didn’t think much of it at first, thinking it may had been Ham and Peni whispering until he saw both of them get up and look towards the window. He gently pushed MJ away and turned to the others.

“You hear it too?” Noir was still holding MJ, just not as closely as before.

“Yeah, it’s coming from outside.” Ham nodded. Noir stood up and walked over, keeping MJ behind him. Peni tried carefully to open the window before Noir grabbed her shoulder.

“I’ll open it. Stay back.” Noir pushed her behind him gently. Ham landed on his shoulder, trying to use the angle to see what was going on outside. Noir lifted the rest of the window up, making sure not to make any noise.

“...maybe we should ask how their mission is going.”

“Yeah, we haven’t heard from them in a while.”

“Maybe they’re in trouble.”

Ham hopped off of Noir’s shoulder and peeked out the window.

“PB?” the pig tilted his head at the people outside.

“Ham?” a familiar voice called back. Both Peni and Noir looked over Ham’s shoulders, seeing Miles, Gwen, and Peter sitting against the wall.

“What are you guys doing here?” Miles asked, getting up.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Noir raised his eyebrow.

“Well, we beat Doc Ock and she mentioned something about a bomb at MJ’s house so we came here to stop it.” Peter pulled off his mask, running his hand through his hair.

“Oh, we disabled the bomb… well… we @!#$%&* chucked it into the air and let it explode. It would’ve been fun if I wasn’t being thrown with a bomb in my hands!” Ham turned to Peni, who only giggled.

“Sorry, Hammy, it was the only way.”

“I had fun chucking Porker into the air, actually.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“Getting back on track, why are you guys still here? What about Aunt May?” Peter crawled over to the window. He nearly fell when he caught a glimpse of curly red hair. His brown eyes met MJ's blue.

“Peter?”

“H-Hi, MJ.”

Miles and Gwen peeked through the window, also making eye contact with Mary Jane (minus the fact that they were wearing their masks). It wasn't Miles’ first time seeing MJ but the first time actually Officially meeting her since becoming Spiderman. She had given him her blessing to continue being Spiderman but it was just MJ being interviewed on her thoughts on the new Spiderman.

“Spiderman. It's nice to finally meet you.” MJ's voice was quiet. “You can come in if you'd like.”

“Thanks, MJ.” Gwen crawled in, removing her mask the moment she stepped onto the carpet.

“Nice to meet you too!” Miles followed her in, removing his own mask. Mary Jane looked at them for a few moments, studying them. “I’m Miles, Miles Morales!” He added, sticking his hand out. MJ smiled at him, shaking it in return.

“You're both so young. You're even younger than Peter when he became Spiderman.”

“I make a convincing adult voice, huh?” Miles pointed a finger gun at MJ, winking.

“No… not really.” MJ laughed softly.

“Hey, what about Peni? She's even younger than I am!” Miles gestured to the anime girl who was holding Ham in her arms.

“You know I'm in High School, right?” Peni asked, tilting her head.

“... WHAT?”

“Miles, you're the youngest one here. Even I'm over a year older than you.” Gwen smirked.

“This is some bull crap.”

“Careful, Miles. Edge doesn't like that kinda language.” Ham pointed a scolding finger at him.

“That was only one time, Porker!” Noir flushed.

“Once you write the joke, it stays in the act forever.”

“... Porker, what does that even mean?”

“I don't even know anymor.”

“You all are like a family. It's adorable.” MJ smiled weakly. It was obvious that she was still hurting but she happy to see that everyone else enjoying themselves. She looked back up and noticed Peter was still standing outside the window, watching them silently.

“You can come in, Peter.”

“Uh, yeah, right.” Peter awkwardly made his way inside. The other Spiders were still talking about something Peter didn't really care to pay attention to. He was more focused on MJ.

“I guess you're from another another dimension? My Peter didn't have brown hair and eyes.”

“Uh, yeah, I am. All of us are, except Miles. The one in the black and red suit, obviously.” Peter rubbed the back of his neck.

“There seems to be a lot of Peters, huh? There _was_ mine, the black and white Peter, the pig one, you, and I'm assuming Peni is just a girl version of him.”

“Mhmm, the kids just call the dark one ‘Noir’ and the pig ‘Ham’, though Noir and I just call him Porker.”

“Must be nice to have your own family of Spiderpeople.” MJ sighed.

“...Yeah, it is. Other than the MJ of my own dimension, they're the only family I have.” Peter glanced up to see the Spiderfam teasing Ham about something.

“You thumped your leg like a dog!” Peni giggled.

“I'm not at all like a dog!” Ham crossed his arms.

“Do you think his ears are more sensitive without his mask?” Gwen asked, tugging on the cloth covering Ham's face.

“Don't even think about it.” Ham smacked her hand away. He squealed when Noir picked him off the ground, trapping him with his left arm, and removed his mask.

“Too late, Porker. Who wants to try first?”

The kids glanced at each other for a few moments, as though they were silently communicating until they finally turned back to him.

“You can do the honors.” Peni waved her hand, signalling him to continue. Noir didn't seem to catch onto their suspicious behavior but Ham definitely did, squealing in protest.

“I don't speak pig, Porker.” Noir smirked, scratching behind Ham's ear. After a second, Ham tilted his head and begun to thump his leg, like before. To everyone's disappointment, nothing that much different happened, other than his leg thumping just a little faster than last time. That was until Ham made a very loud ‘Oink’ and immediate brought his hands to cover his snout. Noir stopped and looked at Ham, making sure what he heard was real.

“Oh my god.” Miles stared at the pig with wide eyes.

“YOU JUST OINKED!” Peni hopped in excitement.

“NO I DIDN'T!” Ham decided to cover his face this time, as though it would make a difference.

“They're a handful, but I love them.” Peter turned back to MJ, who had been laughing at the whole situation.

“They're adorable.”

“Yeah, well, most of them are different versions of me so thanks for calling me adorable.” Peter said as he slicked back his hair.

“Whatever you say, Peter.” MJ chuckled, looking back at the others.

“I can't believe Ham actually oinks.” Gwen said through her laughter.

“I-” Ham began before shutting up once be heard Noir laughing.

“You're quite a goof, Porker.” Noir laughed, resting his chin on Ham's head and held the pig closer in his arms. Ham glanced up at the kids and saw the mischievous faces they didn't even try to hide.

“Th-thanks, Edge.” Ham felt himself melt into the embrace.

 _“‘Merica! Fuck yeah! Comin’ again to save the motherfuckin’ day, yeah!”_ Miles quickly pulled out his phone when it began to ring.

“Yeah, dad?”

_“Miles? Are you alright? Are you hurt? Where are you?”_

“Woah, relax, I’m fine, we’re all fine. We’re just hanging out right now.” Miles leaned against the wall.

_“Alright, good. How’s May doing?”_

Miles felt his whole body stiffen at the question.

“May?”

_“Yeah? The older lady you and your ‘fam’ went to go save? Peter Parker’s aunt?”_

“Uuuuuuuuuuuh, I gotta go. See ya later, bye!” Miles didn’t wait for an answer before he hung up.

“What was that Mi-”

“We gotta go save May. I totally forgot about the mission. Who knows what might happen if we wait any longer!”

“Anything happens to May, he’ll be glad I don’t have my gats.” Noir growled as he set Ham back on the ground. The pig sighed at the loss of contact and grabbed the mask out of Noir’s hand.

“What's a gat?” Peni asked.

“... A revolver.”

“Ooooh.”

“C'mon guys, we need to focus. Aunt May's still in danger.” Peter slipped his mask back over his face. Everyone but Peni and Noir put their masks back on, walking back out the window.

“By, MJ, it was nice to meet you!”

“See ya, MJ.”

“Later!”

“Farewell.” Noir lowered himself slightly so Peni could hop off his back.

“Bye!” Peni waved her hand when Noir crawled out the window.

Peter B. remained in MJ’s apartment a few moments longer than the others.

“Well, maybe I’ll see you later.” Peter shrugged awkwardly. He started leaving until he felt MJ put a hand on his shoulder.

“Wait.”

“Huh? What’s wrong?” Peter’s heart pained to see the face of both concern and guilt on MJ’s face.

“Promise me you’ll teach Miles the best you can? I don't want what happened to Peter to happen to him.”

“I will, I promise. Make sure you keep him out of trouble while I'm gone, alright?”

“Alright." MJ smiled at Peter one last time before he crawled out the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos and a comment, I crave attention  
> Also, I'm wondering whether or not I should focus on the fight or after the rescue mission in the next chapter


	12. I'm the wild one, lightning in my veins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hamnoir slowly but steadily makes its way back and Peter orders black coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I make any mistakes, call me out on it or I'll feel dumb, thanks

“Hey, Birdbrain.” Vulture barely looked up in time to see a web get shot into his visor, making him momentarily blind. Gwen and Miles worked together to wrap Vulture up while Peter B. strung him up to the wall, only for him to cut himself free with his wings.

“This almost seems like cheating since there’s six of us and only one of him.” Ham pouted, sitting on Noir’s shoulder. 

“We barely have to do any work.” Peni sighed and slid off Noir’s back. “I’m going to go look for Aunt May.”

“Alright, be safe!” Ham stood up.  

“Call us if anything happens.” Noir nodded.

“Sure thing, dads.” Peni scoffed before running off, missing Noir’s face turning a different shade of gray. Ham only laughed before hopping off Noir’s shoulder. 

“Ham! Noir!” Gwen shouted at the two Peters, “Go look for the part we’re missing! You know how it looks like, right?” 

“Eh, not really?” 

“It’s a small metal hoop with eight glowing blue needles sticking out of it. Should be on top of Ock’s dest.” Peter recalled as he swung a desk in Vulture’s direction. 

“Got it!” Ham gave a thumbs up before jumping onto the ceiling. Noir followed him into the vents, making their way towards the office that formerly belonged to the mad doctor. As expected, her dest was littered with scraps and random papers. Among the mess was Noir’s own mask and hat, but his guns weren’t found anywhere. Noir sighed as he hopped out of the vent and removed his glasses, putting them in his pocket as he put his mask back on. 

He felt off when he wore his outfit without it. Made him feel more vulnerable. It helped him disguise his emotions, making his job easier. He even wore it around the Spiderfam as much as he could. He wasn’t exactly sure why he did.  _ Lies.  _ Ok, maybe he did know why, Ham did it too, but that was mainly due to him not wanting to be seen as ‘cute’ for being an adorable cartoon pig. He enjoyed the attention but was easily embarrassed so he remained masked. Noir, however, remained masked to create a sort of barrier between them. 

He cared about them, he truly did, but that’s why he did it. He didn’t want to get too close to them in case something happened to them. Noir tried his best to distance himself but it was hard since they all enjoyed visiting each other, albeit rarely. Miles would periodically pop into his dimension to teach him colors, occasionally putting up colorful graffiti to throw people in Noir’s dimension for a loop, Gwen would come over to help him with detective work, and Peter B. would just hang out at a bar with him and chat. The only one to come over often was Peni, visiting pretty much everyday and to do her school work there and sometimes even sleeping over. Although, Porker never visited. Not that he didn’t want to, but Noir kept him from coming over. He always made up some excuse as to why Ham shouldn’t come. The others noticed this and asked him about it, but, even then, he didn’t have an answer for them. 

Truth was that he was scared of getting too attached to Porker. The lovable pig was too goofy and colorful for his world. Literally. He’d stick out like a sore thumb. He was a bright cartoon pig in a dark world full of crime and death. It didn’t feel right to have such a bubbly person visit. Even when Miles and Peni came over, they rarely went out of the apartment. Noir didn’t want to expose them to that. He had tried to get them to stop coming before but it only caused them to be more determined to visit. Noir was surprised when Ham dropped it fairly quickly. He only asked to visit him a few times before eventually giving up.

“Yay! You’ve got your mask back! And your fancy little hat too!” Ham’s voice somehow startled him, causing him to turn quick enough to hit his elbow against the desk. He wasn’t sure why he seemingly forgot the pig was standing right next to him, pushing up against the desk to make himself seems taller. Noir cursed quietly, rubbing his elbow. “Ah, didn’t mean to startle you.” Ham seemingly winced when he had heard the joint make contact with the desk.

“No, it’s fine. I simply got lost in thought, that’s all.” Noir mumbled, adjusting his hat. It had been the longest time he had gone without wearing his hat and it almost felt weird. He took it off and examined it for a few seconds, half expecting a dent in it made by Doc Ock. Out of the corner of his eye, Noir noticed Porker had been staring at him. Noir felt himself turn a dark gray and thanked the spider god that Ham couldn’t see it. Without turning his head, Noir stared back, wondering whether or not Porker knew he was looking back behind his opaque goggles. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of any thought as he turned back to the desk. 

“Let’s get back to looking for the  thingamajig.” 

“Yeah, right.” Ham pushed himself onto the desk and began walking around on it. Noir was oddly amused with how small the pig was and how he could easily walk on any surface without being too big.

“Once we find it, I’m gonna go look for my rods.” 

“You know where she put them?”

“Nope, she knocked me out before I could figure out where I was. Shouldn’t be too hard though.” 

“I wouldn’t be too sure. This place’s a dump.” Ham sighed as he tossed papers all over the place.

“It will be if you keep messin’ with the papers.” Noir scoffed as he went to put his hat back on. He thought for a moment before reaching out and placing it on Ham’s head. This apparently caught the pig off guard, causing him to tense up for a second before he turned to the detective. 

“Uh, why’d you-”

“Saw you staring at it, thought you wanted to wear it. I can take it back if you’d like-” Noir was about to grab the hat until Ham quickly held it down with both hands.

“NO! I, uh, I mean- Yeah, I wanted to put it on and- yeah.” Ham pressed it tightly against his head, as though he expected it to fly away if he let go.

“Hm… alright, try not to flatten it though.” Noir went back to the desk, picking up a small device and tossing it aside. He was sure he heard Ham mumble ‘hypocrite’ but he wasn’t completely sure. They searched for a few minutes until Porker made a sound Noir believed to be a oink of excitement or something because the pig turned to hold up a device that looked exactly how Peter B. had described the object to be. As proud as Ham looked, it was difficult for Noir to take him seriously with the hat on. It wasn’t because the hat was too big, if anything, it fit just fine, it was more because his bright suit contrasted with the nearly pitch black hat. Noir tried holding back his chuckle but was apparently not very good at that since the pig made an offended squeal.

“What’re ya laughing at, mister?” 

“Oh, nothing. Just thought you looked nice with the hat.” Noir chuckled, searching through one of the drawers.

“Oh, thanks.” Ham uttered the last part quietly. “So… you looking for your revolvers now?”

“Mhmm. Feels weird to have holsters with no pistol in it.” 

“Holster **_s_ ** ? Ham exaggerated the ‘s’. “You have more than one?”

“I have two but I don’t tend to use them in this dimension, since you all seem to have a problem with me having one in the first place.” Noir confirmed. It was true, they didn’t enjoy the fact that Noir basically killed for a living but they accepted it. They all knew why and they all knew how dark it was in his dimension so they weren’t about to shun him for it. Despite this, Miles made Noir swear to never use his guns on another living person unless absolutely necessary for as long as he remained in his dimension. The others made him make the same promises in their own universes, even Ham (not that he ever went to his dimension in the first place).

_ “Hey, guys!”  _ Peni’s voice rung through their right ear.  _ “Anybody there?” _

“I am.” Noir spoke, pressing the small button on his earpiece as he continued to search through the drawers. 

“Me too!” Ham exclaimed loudly into his own earpiece, making Noir’s (and no doubt the others’) ear hurt. 

_ “Ow and great! I found Aunt May. She seems perfectly fine but it seems like Vulture used something to make her fall asleep.” _

“Perfect. Porker and I found  the thingamajig.”

_ “We’re almost done here. Meet us at the rooftop.”  _ A new voice, Peter B., announced.

_ “Got it. Think SP//dr’s going to be up there still?” _

“I sure hope it is.” Noir smiled to himself as he found two very familiar gats and stuck them into their holsters.

_ “I really hope they didn’t dismantle it for parts…” _

“If they did, I will personally beat them both to a pulp.” Noir growled, standing back up, Ham landing on his shoulder, as usual.

“If they even looked at SP//dr, I will stomp them with my hooves.” 

_ “Pfft, thanks dads.”  _ This time, Noir didn’t feel embarrassment when Peni said that. He felt something in his chest he had rarely ever felt.  _ Pride. _

  
  
  


Peni nearly cried when she saw SP//dr, despite having hit by a plasma blast, was unscathed. Doc Ock had probably forgotten about it. She crouched next to it, examining the damage until she realized that it wasn’t too badly broken. SP//dr was unbelievably resilient so it didn’t surprise her that it was able to withstand the blast. Now all she needed to do was fix it, which shouldn’t be too hard. She had all the parts she needed and, unlike last time it was broken, she had the rest of it. Peni was too caught up with SP//dr to notice a shadowing figure standing behind her.

“Good to see the thing isn’t completely broken.” a gravelly voice acknowledged. Peni jumped and probably would’ve freaked out until she realized the figure was the familiar Private Eye she had grown to know and love.

“Jeez, Noiry, you scared me.” 

“My apologies, probably should have warned you I was here.” Noir eyed the unconscious Aunt May, who was laying down against the glass railings of the building. 

“Yeah, Edge, you’re a spoopy fella.” Ham joked. 

“...’spoopy’?” 

“Like ‘spooky’ but with a p instead of a k.” Peni explained. She blinked at the pair for a few seconds, finally noticing something off. “...nice hat, Hammy.” 

“Thanks, Handsome over here let me borrow his hat.” Ham immediately regret his words the second they came out. Fortunately, Noir didn’t have time to ask him about it because of a loud noise from behind him. Unfortunately, it was Peter being thrown through the roof of the building, Vulture flying out of the giant hole after him. His wings were barely holding him in the air due to the damage done to them, but they were stable enough to let him fly. His visor was shattered though, showing a pale blue eye while the other remained hidden. Two webs shot from within the building, trying to hold him back but his thrusters proved to be a bit too powerful for the webbing and both Miles and Gwen were dragged into the air. 

“Kids! You have to let go!”  Peter shouted.

“But-”

“Unless you wanna get dropped from a dangerous height, let go!” Both kids glanced at each other reluctantly, realizing that they were getting a bit too high up. They didn’t have time to let go before Vulture used a blade from one of his wings and cut both of the webs, sending the kids to the ground. 

Thankfully, both landed safely, with Miles nearly face planting on the roof. The kids stared up at the villain, noticing he was more set on getting away than actually fighting them.

“We need to catch him!”

“It’s no use, Miles. He’s too high up. I don’t even know if our webs can even reach all the way up there.” Peter helped Miles get back to his feet, staring at the villain. Everyone jumped, Peni and Miles both yelping when there were two deafening bangs nearby and the Vulture seemed to falter, his wings being hit by two tiny objects that they couldn’t see. After the ringing in their ears stopped, they noticed the bangs came from Noir’s revolvers. 

“What?” Noir asked when he noticed everyone staring at him, putting the guns away.

“Why’d you shoot him? You could have hurt him!” 

“I wasn’t aiming for him, Gwen, only his wings. Kinda hoping he’d fall but I guess they’re a lot tougher than they look.” Noir shrugged.

“Noir-” Miles began until Peter placed a hand on his shoulder.

“We’ll talk about this later, we need to get May somewhere safe or maybe to a doctor. Is your mom home?” 

“Ummm…” Miles pulled out his phone to check the time. “She should be unless she decided to have a longer shift, which she normally doesn’t. At least not tonight.”

“Then let’s take her to your place.”

  
  
  


May woke up on a bed that definitely wasn’t her. It took her a few moments to realized she was laying on the guest room bed. Other than a little bit of soreness in her arms, she felt fine. She didn’t have any memory of actually getting back here but does remember being taken by Vulture. Clearly, she wasn’t about to just let herself get taken and got a few hits in until he shot a dart at her arm, causing her to pass out almost immediately. The sun shined through the half opened blinds, signalling it to be morning.

“Aunt May?” Peter stood by the doorway, the other Spiders peeking from behind him. They were all wearing the same PJ’s they had worn before, the only difference being that Ham was wearing Noir’s fedora. All three adults were holding cups of coffee from MacDanold’s while the kids were drinking either orange juice or milk.

“Hello, Peter. Took you long enough to save me.” May laughed. 

“Well, we got sidetracked.” Peter went to sit at the edge of the bed as Noir walked up next to the bed, Peni holding his right arm as Ham sat on his left shoulder. Miles and Gwen stayed at the doorway, wanting the Parkers (or Porker in Ham’s case) to see her first since she is their Aunt. 

“Nice hat.” May smiled up at the pig.

“You’re way too calm about this.”

“Peter, I used to be friends with Liv and my nephew is Peter Parker. This isn’t the first time I’ve been used as a hostage.” The Parkers all winced, acknowledging that it was most likely true based on their own experiences.

“We should have noticed you were gone earlier-”

“The past is the past.” May cut off Noir’s incoming monologue. “I’m more interested on how long I was out.”

“We saved you at around noon yesterday and it’s seven thirty right now soooo…. You were out all day.” Peni used her free hand to scratch her head. 

“Did you fix the device?”

“Yep! I fixed the portal watch and SP//dr while you were out!” Peni gestured to the device on her wrist. “We just wanted to stay to make sure you were ok before we left.” 

“Oh, I’m fine, dear, nothing to worry about.” May assured her, stealing Peter’s coffee and taking a sip, wincing at how strong it is. “Seriously?”

“I don’t see a problem with my drink.”

“PB, you went through the drive through with a car full of cheering Spiderkids, including myself, and ordered one black coffee for yourself and kept driving. There are several problems with what you did.” Ham frowned.

“I thought Noir would’ve been the one to order a single black coffee.” Miles sighed.

“He was cheering with us.” Gwen smirked.

“I wanted an apple pie.” Noir huffed.

“I can just make you an apple pie, Edge.”

“Oh, you don’t have to, Porker.”

“I will if I want to.”

“Really, it’s no big-”

“Hey, lovebirds, now’s not the time for that. You all need to head home.” Both Ham and Noir flushed at that but said nothing.

“But what about Vul-” 

“He can be dealt with later. You all need some time to rest. It’s been a long two weeks.” May cut Gwen off, handing Peter his coffee as she got out of bed. “You all have places you need to be, cities to protect. Miles will be fine. If anything happens, we’ll let you know, alright?” All the Spiderpeople nodded hesitantly. “Well, go on then.” One by one, each Spider walked out of the room to go put on their suits, leaving only Miles and May. 

“You think the Vulture will be back soon?”

“Doubt it. Vulture is a scavenger. He watches from afar before making a move. It’ll take him a while until he comes back but when he does, he’ll be stronger so you’ll have to be too.” May walked with Miles to the living room, where Jeff and Rio were chatting. 

Miles’ parents were ok with the whole ‘Spiderfam’ thing but they were still getting used to the strangers walking around their house. Rio yelped when she saw Ham walking across the ceiling. 

“Didn’t wanna block the TV.” Ham mumbled as he walked past in Miles’ hoodie, the fedora magically sticking to his head somehow. They only stared at him without saying anything until they saw May had walked into the room.

“Mrs. Parker, how are you feeling?” Rio asked, standing up.

“Oh, I’m fine, thank you.” May smiled.

“That’s good to hear. All the others were worried about you. Heard them talking to each other about it all night.” Jeff nodded, standing next to his wife.

“They’re sweethearts, all of them. Worried sick about you the whole day.” Rio added.

“Yes, but they’re handfuls.” May laughed, “Especially the pig.” she whispered, winking.

“I heard that!” Ham pointed and accusing finger from the ceiling. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready?” Miles asked. The pig gave him an odd look before spinning around, magically changing into his suit, holding Miles’ hood while still wearing the hat.

“Happy?” 

“A bit, yeah. Now we wait for the others.” On cue, both Peni and Noir walked into the room. Noir was looking around the living room curiously, as though he was trying to find something but he wasn’t sure what. 

“Three down, two to go.” May counted. 

“Three?” Noir’s head tilted slightly.

“Check out Spiderpig up there.” May pointed a finger at the ceiling. Noir glanced up and immediately jumped up, crawling on the ceiling. 

“There it is.” Noir said, removing the hat from Ham and placing it back on his own head. Miles, again, questioned how the hat completely refused to obey the laws of gravity since it remained on Noir’s head. Ham seemed mildly upset when the hat was taken from him but said nothing. After a few moments, Gwen and Peter walked in. Miles noted that Gwen was now the one with the dimensional portal device. They all had one in their own homes but Gwen’s seemed to be the only one that worked completely without any error. With the others, the user only had twelve hours until they began glitching painfully. Thankfully, Peni was still working on it. 

“Is that it?” Jeff scoffed.

“Oh, one more person.” Peni walked over to the window and opened it. Once all the way open, a repaired SP//dr crawled in, barely making it through the window. How it even made it in, no one knew. “Ok, now that’s everyone.” Peni smiled, leaning against her giant robot. 

“Alright, who wants to go first?” Gwen asked, pressing buttons on her device.

“Let Edge go first!” Ham blurted. Even Noir looked at Ham in surprise. 

“Why me?”

“Well- You said you really wanted to see Mulaney and you said tomorrow’s the last show so I thought it’s only fair you go first.” Ham shrugged. 

“I… thank you.” Noir gave Ham a noogie, looking down at Gwen. “I’d like to go first is that alright.”

“Sure thing.” Gwen pressed a few more things and a black and white portal shot out. Noir stood up, looking out at the other Spiders.

“It was nice to see you all again, minus the whole Doc Ock thing, of course. However, all good things must come to an end and I’ll miss you all.” Noir tipped his fedora ‘Nice Guy’ style. “I love you, bye.” he finished before falling straight into the portal and disappearing. 

“Who next?” 

“Me!” Peni waved her hand. A bright red and yellow portal opened. Next, it was Ham with a red, yellow, and blue portal (Miles is sure he saw him holding his hoodie as he fell in). Then, it was Peter B. with a red and blue portal. Lastly, it was Gwen with a pastel blue and pink portal. It was so quiet without them. Miles’ already missed them. They already missed him too.

  
  
  


Peter Porker woke up the next day to the alarm clock next to his bed ringing loudly. Groaning, he slammed the alarm, turning it off, and got up. Unsurprisingly, his boss wasn’t too happy that he had been gone for over a week so he had to work overtime at  _ The Daily Beagle _ which, unsurprisingly, ticked Peter off to an unbelievable extent. He had just come back from a completely different dimension after being stuck there but sure, make him work his job that should definitely should be paying him more. After changing his hoodie he stole from Miles for a yellow polo shirt and jeans, Peter pushed his door open, half expecting the smell of burning toast to literally engulf him. To his surprise, there was no deathly black smoke to be seen. If anything, the house smelled faintly like roses and rain.

“Aunt May?” Peter called out only to get no response. He walked into the kitchen to find a note left on the fridge.

_ “Morning, Petey, I had to go to the grocery store and won’t be back for a while so I can finish some extra errands. There’s cereal in the cabinet and eggs in the fridge. I have no idea if the milk is any good though. If it isn’t, leave it in my lab. (don’t ask)”  _ Not like he was going to anyway.  _ “Oh, and someone sent you a package. I left it on the table. There wasn’t an address or name, just a nickname, so I can’t tell who sent it. The box smells like flowers though so I kinda used it to freshen up the air after a cooked toast. Anyway, that’s all. Love, Aunt May.”  _

Peter crumbled up the letter and threw it into the recycling bin (Cause recycling is important, kids. Even Spiderham does it). He turned to the table and saw the package Aunt May had been talking about. It was an interesting box since it was a very dark gray instead of the usual brown. It wasn’t too small, being about the size as a microwave. Taking a step closer, he definitely could confirm the smell of rain and rosebuds was coming from the box, which confused him since he had no idea how a cardboard box could carry such a strong smell but decided not to question it considering how he literally lives in a world where it makes sense that nothing makes sense. The handwriting on the box was unbelievably neat that Ham was scared to even open it. 

_ “To: Peter Porker. From: ‘Edge’” _

Peter’s had to reread it several times to make sure he was reading it correctly. Edge sent him a package? Why? Maybe he wanted to send him a gift? But why? Maybe it was a lov-  _ Alright, Porker, that’s a bit too much hope ya got there. Might wanna real it in.  _

Peter tried to listen the voice in his head but failed as he opened the package with a boxcutter, the smell getting stronger each second. The box contained two things when it was fully opened: another, smaller box with a white spider design painted on the top to contrast the dark gray and a small white envelope. Peter decided to open the letter first, carefully opening it to keep it from tearing completely. The letter proved to be short, sweet, and right to the point.

_ “Dear Porker, I was wondering whether or not you would be interested in visiting my dimension and going out with me-”  _ Peter had to take a breather for a few seconds before continuing,  _ “to go watch Mulaney tonight. We could go to dinner if you’d like yet I won’t force you to do so. It is only a suggestion and I will understand if you decline. I realize that I have visited you the least out of all the spiders and vice versa and it only appears to be fair if you come with me. Once again, it is only a suggestion and you must not feel inclined to say yes. You may send me a ‘private text’ with your response before three thirty (the show is at five forty-five.) In the off chance you do agree, I have given you a makeup set and a suit in order for you to blend in with my dimension and not draw attention to yourself. Love,  ‘Edge’ Parker.”  _

Peter opened the smaller box to see a kit full of grayscale makeup and a small black tuxedo. It even had a black tie a tiny ‘Porker’ sewn in with a slightly lighter color. The sewn name was barely noticeable but it made Peter’s heart flutter. Holding it up, Peter noticed it seemed to be his size, but he wasn’t sure. Using cartoon physics, he magically changed into the suit and noticed it fit perfectly. Despite this, he was concerned on how Edge must’ve gotten it since it was much smaller than most humans would wear.  _ Probably kids’ sizes.  _ Changing back into his regular clothes, Peter put the suit and kit on top of his bed and weighed his options. He could decline and go to work or he can leave early and hop over to Edge’s dimension for a dat- for dinner. Yup, dinner. After several long minutes, Peter sighed and pulled out his phone, opening his private messages for Edge. It almost made him sad to see the only messages there was a poorly taken picture of Edge’s completed rubix cube and Peter’s ‘Wow! Congrates <3’ (which was left on ‘seen’.)

_ Peter Porker(me): Hey, Edge? _

_ Peter Porker(me): About that dinner _

Peter waited anxiously for a response, half expecting not even getting one since Noir might be working right now. To his surprise, Edge replied quickly.

_ Edge <3: Yes? _

_ Edge <3: Can you make it? _

_ Edge <3: Do you even wanna to go? _

_ Edge <3:  you don't have to _

Peter hesitated. Was he going to regret this? Maybe. He regretted many things. He will probably regret this. Peter typed in his response, staring at it for nearly a minute before pressing 'send'. 

  
  
  


 

 

_ Peter Porker(me): When and Where do you wanna meet?  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, MacDanold's is meant to be spelled like that and please validate me with kudos and comments thanks bye
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO I HAD A DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT THAT HAD NOIR IN IT AND I GOT SOME GOOD ANGST IDEAS FROM IT HAHAHAHAHAHA


	13. If I were a rose, maybe you'd pick me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hamnoir date plus a black cat approaches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet yote

Peter looked back at the clock for the fifth time within fifteen minutes, as though he expected it to go faster each time he looked at it. The clock on the wall noticed and glared at him, forcing the pig to look back down at his work. A few more minutes passed and Peter struggled to keep himself from looking back up at the annoyed clock. Apparently, the clock noticed this and rolled his eyes.

“It’s 2:58, in case you’re wondering.” He groaned. “You can simply ask me when you want to know the time. You don’t always have to look at me.”

“I know but-”

“Yeah yeah, you don’t wanna annoy me with questions ever two minutes but it’s kind of my job to tell the time. I’m a bloody clock for crying out loud.”

“But isn’t it more annoying for me to ask rather than looking at you?”

“Just cause I’m a clock, doesn’t mean I enjoy people looking at me. I’d rather you ask.” The blue clock huffed.

“Yeah, sorry, Tony.” Peter sighed, looking back at the article on his desk. Edge said he’d open a portal to his dimension at 3:15 and it’d open in wherever Peter was at the moment so he needed to find a place where he wouldn’t be seen. He had only a few more minutes before Edge would come pick him up and he just wished time would go by faster. The faint sound of Tony’s ticking didn’t make him any more relaxed either.

 _“PORKER!”_ The intercom next to Peter’s desk blared suddenly, causing his skeleton to literally hop out of his skin for a split second. Even Tony was startled, the hands on his face spinning a few times before falling back onto the appropriate time. The pig scrambled to press the button next to the speaker.

“Uh, yeah, boss?”

_“YOU BETTER BE DONE WITH THOSE REPORTS SOON!”_

“Y-yeah, almost. I also got those photos of Captain Americat that you want-”

_“GOOD. NOW WE’LL FINALLY GET SOME DIRT ON THOSE SO CALLED ‘HEROES’. SPEAKING OF, I WANT YOU TO GET ME A JUICY STORY-”_

“Well, I have a lot of stories I haven’t showed you yet.” Peter opened his filing cabinet, going through the papers in one of his folders. “I have one about Doctor Octopussycat from a few weeks back. Or maybe Ducktor Doo-”

 _“I WANT A STORY ON SPIDER-HAM!”_ Peter’s boss cut him off.

“W-what? Spider-Ham? But, sir-” Peter could hear Tony stifling a laugh from behind him.

 _“I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT, PORKER. GET ME A STORY ON HIM BY THE END OF THE DAY TOMORROW OR ELSE!”_ And with that, the monitor went silent.

“How unfortunate.” Tony chortled. “Cannot wait to see what you possibly come up with.”

“Ugghhhh, could today get any-” Peter was cut off when Tony, who magically grew an arm, threw his bowtie into his mouth.

“You know how this place works, don’t go around saying stuff like that.”

“Yeah, I know.” Peter said as he took the tie out of his mouth, crawling on the wall to put it back on Tony.

“Thank you.”

“You can grow arms and legs, why don’t you?”

“It’s fun making you walk on walls.” Tony smirked.

“Haha, funny. What time is it?”

“3:12”

“$#!+ I gotta get ready!” Peter quickly went over to his desk and started shoving things into his desk.

“Where do you think you’re going? You’ve been gone all week and you’re just going to up and leave?” Tony interrogated.

“I-I have plans.” Peter felt his ears turn slightly red.

“OH? Does Peter Porker have a date?” Tony smirked, growing his unnaturally long arms and legs, leaning against the table. “Who’s the lucky gal?”

“W-well, it’s not really a date and it’s a guy-”

“Hah! I knew it! Paige, you owe me twenty bucks!’ Tony laughed, pointing at the notebook on the desk, flipping open to show a cartoon face.

“Hey! He said it wasn’t a date so I don’t owe you a thing!”

“You guys made a bet?”

“Yup, on whether or not the person you fancy is Mary Crane Watson. I said it’d be a guy, she said it was Mary.” Tony shrugged, a smug look on his face.

“Unless it’s a date, I won’t give you a single penny.”

“First off, it’s not a date but it is with a guy,” Tony smirked at Paige, “And second, you guys don’t even need money. You literally get everything you need for free.”

“We know, but hey.” Paige pouted. Peter glanced back up at Tony and noticed it was…

“3:14!?” Peter hastily slammed Paige closed, shoving her in his pocket and threw Tony on the wall, much to their annoyance. It didn’t hurt them but they still didn’t enjoy being thrown around. Peter dug his hand into his pocket dimension and felt that his tux and makeup kit were still there.

“It’ll turn 3:15 in twelve more seconds, Peter.” Tony called from the wall, his arms and legs disappearing.

“Promise you won’t tell anyone I left early?” Peter asked, locking the door to his uncomfortably small office.

“I’m only a clock, it’s not my job to snitch.”

The moment Peter sighed, he heard an odd sound coming from behind him. Turning, he saw what looked to be a literally tear in reality.

“Tony, time?”

“3:15.” Just as the clock said that, the tear turned into portal of black and white. Peter stared at it for a few moments before walking into it, the portal behind him closing shortly after.

  
  


Ham kept his eyes shut as he was traveling through dimensions, still not exactly used to the feeling of it. The moment he stopped moving, he opened a single eye to see a silver one looking back at him.

“Good evening, Porker.” Noir greeted the pig, holding out his hand for Ham to take.

“Hiya, Edge.” Ham took Noir’s hand, opening both his eyes. He noticed he was sitting on the floor of an apartment of some kind. Obviously Noir’s, but it seemed cozy and warm, something Ham didn’t expect from the dark Private Eye. Ham spotted the Rubix cube on a desk in the corner of the room, the only bit of color in the monochrome room. Finally, Ham looked back at Noir, noticing he was wearing his suit, yet without his mask. His hair was messed up, a few strands falling over his eyes. Instinctively, Ham used his other hand to push a few out of the way, only for some to fall right back. Ham half expected Noir to flinch away or tense up from the sudden contact since he wasn’t used to being touched but he only smiled at the pig.

“My hair doesn’t feel like cooperating at the moment.” Noir chuckled, helping Ham up to his feet. “Anyways, you might wanna start getting ready. Thought you’d start putting on makeup by now.”

“Yeah, sorry, I was busy.” Ham dug in his pocket and pulled out the kit.

“Hope I didn’t drag you out of work.”

“Nah… well yeah, you did, but work was fucking boring today anyway.” Ham mumbled, looking at all the different shades of gray. It took him a few moments until he realized- “I CAN SWEAR IN THIS DIMENSION?!”

“I guess so-”

“FUCK!” Ham shouted at the top of his lungs. “I’VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY THAT FOR SO FUCKING LONG!”

“Glad you’ve fulfilled your lifelong wish.” Noir took the makeup kit out of Ham’s hands, examining it for a bit before using his finger to smudge one of the shades on the pig’s cheek.

“Watcha doing?”

“Trying to find the right shade…” Noir smudged another shade on Ham’s cheek before nodding. “This one seems the most natural. Do you mind if I put it on or…?

“Hmm? Oh, no, I don’t mind.” Ham nearly missed what Noir had said, a bit distracted by the feeling of Noir’s hand on his cheek.

“Alright.” Ham sat patiently as Noir carefully applied the makeup on, making sure to cover every inch of his pink skin that would show.

“I dunno if ya wanna go eat before or after the show since we got nearly three hours to kill,” Noir paused for a moment, cautiously applying the makeup on Ham’s ears, knowing how sensitive they were. “But I know a diner ‘round here ya might like.” The detective noticed Ham’s curly tail seemed to be wagging  at every touch. Apparently, Ham noticed this too and reached back and held his tail still.

“Dinner sounds good right now. Haven’t eaten all day since I skipped lunch.” Ham kept himself from frowning as Noir took a few steps back, looking at Ham from afar.

“Hmm… I can just put gloves on ya so that shouldn’t be a problem. All you need now are to change your eyes…”

“Oh! I can do that!” Ham dug through his pocket again, pulling out random objects, including a rubber duck, guitar, a baby elephant(?), and a pencil before finally pulling out a tiny white container.

“What’s that?” Noir stared down at the container that opened, showing two tiny gray disks of some kind…

“They’re colored contacts. You put them in your eye and they cover up your iris.” Ham demonstrated by putting on the contacts. Noir cringed as he watched Ham touch his eye and placed some sort of rubber-like object on it. After blinking a few times, Ham’s bright blue eyes turned nearly silver. They gray wasn’t enough to completely rid of his eye color but, unless someone was staring really hard at his eyes, it wasn’t noticeable.

“Uh… snazzy.” Noir hoped he’d get the image of Ham touching his eyeball out of his head. “Do you have gloves or anything? You only have four fingers and I don’t exactly have gloves like that.”

“Hmm… maybe.” Ham shoved his hand back into his pocket again. Noir sighed in relief when he pulled out a pair of white gloves on his first try.  “There we go.”

“Fantastic. Now, go put on your suit and we’ll go out for dinner.”

“I kinda wish I could pay you for the meal but I doubt they take bright green dollars with a duck on it around here.” Ham shrugged, picking up the box containing his suit..

“Sadly, they don’t.” Noir scoffed.

“You think the makeup will smudge?”

“Nah, only comes off with water. I made sure of that.”

“Good thing I’m physically incapable of sweating.” Ham winked, sliding into the bedroom and closing the door behind him. Noir contemplated why Ham just didn’t do that thing where he magically changes into different clothes but decides he really doesn’t want to think too deeply into it. He sat on the arm of the sofa, waiting for his friend to come back out so they could go eat. _‘Friend’. Interesting word choice, Parker._ The detective frowned at his own thoughts, trying to suppress them. He failed miserably, his mind going back to the night a while back.

 _“I love you too, Porker.”_ Sure, he wasn’t lying, he loved his ‘fam’ unconditionally. He would die for all of them. Even so, he couldn’t help but feel like something was off about the way he had said it. He wasn’t too drunk and was well aware of his decisions but it still felt weird. It only made him feel more guilty when Ham looked almost sad when he called him his best friend. They _were_ best friends.

Weren’t they?

He had asked the Peni about it early, not exactly sure what he was feeling and all he received were cryptic responses. In all honesty, Peni had been the one to convince him to invite Ham out. He was planning on it but had second thoughts until Peni appeared in his living room to assure him that it’s a good idea. After about a minute, Ham walked out in his full attire, holding his tie in his hands. Noir was relieved that it fit him perfectly.

“Whatcha think? Do I look good?” Ham struck a dramatic pose, winking at Noir.

“Smooth.” Noir smiled down at his unnecessarily goofy friend. He had taken a while to get used to his silly behavior but he wouldn’t change it for the world.

“Good, but I have no idea how to put on a tie.” Ham held up the tie.

“How? Do people not wear ties anymore?” Noir asked, taking the tie and kneeling down to be eye level with Ham.

“Well, yeah, but they don’t wear them as often as they used to. Only businessmen or other fancy people I guess.” Ham shrugged.

“Huh, interesting.” Noir started putting the tie on Ham with ease.

“Then again, in my dimension, we just kinda knot the tie however we want and it just… fits.”

“Cartoon Logic is odd.” Noir scoffed, pulling the knot on the tie up to tighten it. “That too tight?” he asked, looking back up. Noir wasn’t too sure, but he could have sworn Ham’s pupils looked like hearts but the pig blinked the moment they made eye contact so he couldn’t get a good look at them.

“N-no, it’s perfect. Thank you.” Ham smiled. Noir wasn’t sure why, but he felt a strange feeling in his stomach, but not really in a bad way. He’ll have to ask Peni about it later.

“Good… hmm…” Noir tapped his finger against his chin, studying Ham’s appearance.

“What’s wrong?”

“Something’s missing…” The detective though for a moment before shooting a web at something behind Ham and tugging at it. Before he could ask what he was getting, a fedora landed on his head. “There.”

“Ooooo! Does it look good?”

“It look fantastic.” Noir grinned, switching his glasses for his mask and hat, missing the way Ham’s cheeks darkened. “Now, shall we head to dinner?”

“Yes, please!”

  
  


Ham was surprised they had Mac ‘N Cheese at the diner they went to but decided to ignore it, shoving the macaroni into his mouth. It was interesting, considering it was light gray instead of that infamous bright yellow. The waitress was freaking out about the pig sitting at the booth but Noir assured her that everything was fine and even offered her an extra tip to stay quiet. Noir had moved his mask up enough to eat his meal but the rest of his face remained hidden.

“Even in the 30’s, Mac ‘N Cheese is still delicious.” Ham said in between spoonfuls.

“You know, I’ve never actually had Mac-” Noir never got to finish his sentence as Ham shoved his spoon into his mouth. He had never seen anyone move so fast before. In a split second, Ham had hopped onto the table, nearly spilling his egg cream. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he actually greatly enjoyed the taste of the cheese covered pasta.

“Well, now you have.” Ham announced, taking back his spoon.

“Thanks for the warning.” Noir said after he finished swallowing. “I will admit, it’s better than I expected.”

“Yeah, Mac’s the best…” Ham had begun to realize how awkward that had gotten, slowly making his way back to his seat. He glanced outside the window, not wanting to make eye contact with Noir. “...Is that ‘Suggins’ shot into the side of the wall?”

Noir looked in the direction Ham was pointing at and sighed, “Yeah, Golden Joe and the Suggins Gang. Still haven’t caught ‘em. They like shooting their names into the banks they’ve robbed.”

“What? Are bullets free or something?”

“Apparently.” Noir shrugged, taking a bit of his sandwich.

“Must be what happens to all the money they steal. They use it to buy more bullets.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised. It’s difficult to find criminals, ya know?”

“How? Don’t they leave evidence behind? Like maybe some blood from the bad guys? You can use that for DNA.”

Noir only blinked at him. “‘DNA’? What’s that? I just get someone to mop up the blood.”

“Oh my stars. It must be so easy to get away with crimes.”

The waitress walked by, placing a drink Ham didn’t recognize on Noir’s side of the table.

“Uh, we didn’t order this.”

“Filly over there payed for it.” she nodded her head towards a woman with white hair in the corner of the bar. The woman smiled at Noir in a way that made Ham furious. How dare she look at him like that? Wait- Did she know Noir? Did Noir know her? Do they- _Relax, Porker._

“Huh, thank you, I suppose.” Noir only stared at the drink as the waitress walked away, half expecting it to be poisoned.

“Do people normally just buy you drinks or..?” Ham asked.

“Mainly flirts and golddiggers. I don’t drink ‘em, ‘case they’re poisoned.” Noir shrugged, going back to his own Egg Cream. When he wasn’t looking, Ham glared at the woman, even though she wasn’t looking performing the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture before looking back down at his food. They continued to eat in a comfortable silence for a while, the only sound being Ham’s offended squeal when Noir steals some of his Mac and Cheese.

“Hey!”

“You never said I couldn’t take some for myself.” Noir shrugged, a smug look on his face.

“Fine if you do that then I can have some of,” Ham quickly stole the Egg Cream out of Noir’s hand, “This.”

“I invite you to my home and all you do is treat me with disrespect.” Noir laughed, not being able to take his own sarcasm seriously.

“Was that a joke I heard? Did the infamous Spiderman ‘We don’t pick the ballroom, we dance’ Noir just make a joke?” Ham gasped.

“Perhaps I did.”

“Sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you.” Ham randomly pulled out a cartoonish mic from his pocket. “Mind speaking clearly into the microphone?”

“What is this? An interrogation?”

“Maybeeeee.” Ham winked, sipping some of Noir’s Egg Cream.

“You look more like one of those annoying news reporters, especially with that hat.”

“Hey! I am an annoying news reporter! I work for _The Daily Beagle_ for christ’s sake.”

“Must be a pain in the ass, huh?” Noir asked, resting his chin on his hand.

“Especially when the boss keeps asking for ‘juicy stories on the menace Spider-Ham!’ every other day.” Ham groaned.

“You’re a ‘menace’?” Noir scoffed at the idea of Ham being a threat.

“I know right? How could anyone hate the cute and lovable Spider-Ham?”

“Well, I don’t know about cute-”

“Hey-”

“Though I will admit you’re quite lovable.” Noir booped the end of Ham’s snout. Ham was sure he turned a bright red under his makeup when his nose made a sound equivalent to a squeaky toy.

“I- Uh-”

“Forget what I said, that was cute.” Noir chuckled, stealing his Egg Cream back while Ham was stunned and finished it. The rest of their meal consisted of Ham trying to make Noir laugh, Noir trying to steal Ham’s food, and a lot of bad jokes. Right as they left the diner, Ham looked over his shoulder, spotting the woman from before staring at Noir intently. He tried to ignore the discomfort he felt as he hopped onto Noir’s shoulder.

  
  


Ham was trying to keep a straight face as he saw Noir’s face light up. They were finally seated at Radio City Music hall, front row. They were able to sneak Ham in under Noir’s jacket (no, he definitely was not being creepy and noticed he smelled like roses.) He was still hiding in his jacket, but he was able to peek out enough to see the edge of the stage and Noir’s face.  Noir decided not to wear his mask so Ham was able to see how he had a sparkle in his eye.

Noir didn’t really show his excitement with his facial expressions but from his eyes and the way his breath sped up slightly, Ham could easily tell he was excited. Ham wasn’t able to see when Mulaney would get on since he was way too small to see but the eruption of cheers and Noir tightening his grasp on Ham was all he needed to know he had arrived.

“HELLOOOOOOOOO RADIO CITY!” John’s voice rang out. Ham had to admit, he really did !@#$ing sound like him. Something about the way Noir’s lip’s twitched into a small smile made Ham’s heart melt. He had originally been jealous of Mulaney (something he’d never admit outloud) but seeing the way he made Noir happy by just talking made him appreciate him.  Noir being happy was all that mattered to him.

The show was a lot more enjoyable than Ham had anticipated. He didn’t get all the jokes since it was still 1934 but he understood enough. Noir didn’t laugh once but his smile only got bigger as time went on. Getting a smile from Noir was hard enough, Ham was almost jealous of Mulaney (again). Ham’s spider-senses went off unexpectedly and he swore he caught a glimpse of white hair a few seats down but ignored his senses. They weren’t as bad, so it probably wasn’t too dangerous, but enough to let his guard up.  He looked up to see if Noir had noticed but, apparently, he didn’t.

“Yeah… You know, I invited The Spiderman to show up but he never came.” Mulaney began. Ham noticed Noir bagan bouncing his foot at the mention of his alter-ego. “Kinda sad, in all honesty. Pretty smooth guy. Or maybe he’s here, without the mask. Then again, he’s a busy guy, beating the crap outta those nasty nazis and stuff like that. He’s so different from me, ya know? He’s got that type of energy that basically says ‘Don’t fuck with me ‘less ya wanna see God early’ while you could pour soup on my lap and I’d probably apologize tah you.” Noir scoffed, trying to hide his smile under the collar of his turtleneck.

“You should see him after the show. I’m sure he’d love that.” Ham whispered.

“Hmm… maybe we will.”

  
  


They didn’t. Noir didn’t feel like it was fair to invite Ham to his world, only to swoon over his celebrity crush. It felt… wrong. They did leave a note, however. Noir made sure Ham didn’t get a chance to read it, but he was proud of what he wrote.

_“Mr. Mulaney, I would like to make you aware that, yes, I did attend your show and I enjoyed it immensely. While I would meet you in person, I was watching the show with… a date and did not wish to make it awkward by meeting you. Perhaps another time? Still, I want you to know I am thankful for your attempt at giving me a free ticket, but I feel that it is wrong and you deserve every penny, especially in the time we’re in. Continue making people happy in such a depressing time. From, The Spiderman.”_

Noir stared at the letter for a few moments before Ham called him, telling him people were coming and they both swung away. They landed in the alley behind the building, far from the view of any witnesses. At least, that’s what they thought.

“Hello, Peter.” Both Peters looked towards the voice, confused.

“Hi?” Both of them replied at the same time. Ham froze when he realized it was the lady with white hair, his Spider-senses going off again. He turned towards Noir, expecting him to be ready to fight. Instead, he looks somewhat surprised.

“Felicia?” He asked, walking towards her.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” She smiled warmly at him. Ham _reeaallly_ didn’t like the way she smiled at him. “Who’s this lil’ fella?” Felicia cooed, looking down at Ham.

“Felicia, this here’s Peter Porker. Porker, meet Felicia Hardy.” Noir gestured between the two of them.

“He’s a cutie. Get him atta farm?” _Oh, no she @#!$ing didn’t-_

“I’m not a pet, ma’am.” Ham said through clenched teeth.

“OH! He talks. I wasn’t expecting that. Where’s he from?”

“He’s… from another dimension?” Noir winced, knowing she most likely won’t understand what that means. Thankfully, she doesn’t really question it.

“Well, nice to meet ya, Peter Porker. Hope I didn’t offend.” Felicia bent down, holding out her hand. Ham looked at her then at her hand before shaking it.

“It’s fine.” Ham replied, flatly.

“What’re ya doing here, Felicia? Shouldn’t ya be back at The Black Cat?” Noir asked, crossing his arms.

“I wanted to see ya, Peter. You ignored my calls for ‘bout a week and didn’t even look at me when I bought ya that drink in the diner.”

“Ah, that was you? Sorry ‘bout that. Plus, I was outta town for the week. Got stuck in some trouble.”

“We were in a bit of a sticky situation.” Ham winked, making a string of web appear between his hands. He was proud he was able to get a smirk from both Noir and Felicia.

“Well, would ya look at that. ‘Nother spiderperson like yourself, Pete.” Ham tried not to rip the webs in his hand as Felicia rested her hand on Noir’s shoulder. Didn’t make him feel better when he didn’t flinch nor give her an odd look. Ham and Peni were the only ones who could touch him without him getting uncomfortable. At least that’s what Ham thought until five seconds ago.

“Yeah, there’s a lot more. Four others I know of, to be exact. They’re all great people whom I love dearly.”

“Aw, Pete. You’ve alway been a big softie under all that darkness.” Felicia laughed, using her other hand to grab Noir’s arm and leaned against him. This time, this action didn’t go unnoticed by Noir.

“Hmm… why’d ya wanna see me so badly?” He asked, squinting his eyes at her. She smiled and leaned in to whisper something into his ear. Not even Ham’s enhanced hearing could make out what she was saying but, whatever it is, it made Noir’s breathing hitch. Once she was done, she leaned back slightly, smiling. They both stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time, Noir somewhat tense until he glanced back down at Ham, his entire body relaxing as he looked down at him softly.

“Well? Whaddya say?” Felicia asked.

“...No. Not tonight.” He said finally, gently tugging his arm away. Felicia frowned but didn’t protest.

“Fine, whatever ya say, Peter. If ya change your mind, ya know where to find me.” She turned to walk away, but not before facing the Peters one last time. “It was nice to meet ya, Peter Porker. Take care of Peter for me, alright? He doesn’t know how to take care of himself.” Ham could tell she was at least being sincere before she walked away.

“Well, she’s a barrel of laughs.”

“Definitely.” Noir scoffed, putting on his mask. “Let’s head back to my place.” Ham nodded before hopping onto his shoulder.

They didn’t say anything as they made their way back to Noir’s apartment. Ham felt like asking what Felicia wanted to see him for but felt that it was too private. It made him happy he decided to spend more time over him instead of Felicia. Still, the feeling in his chest wouldn’t go away. Apparently, his discomfort didn’t slip past the detective.

“What’s wrong, Porker?” Noir asked once they landed in the building.

“Nothing.” Ham spoke, the usual goofiness in his voice gone. Oddly enough, this unsettled Noir.

“That's a lie. Tell me what’s on your mind.” Noir picked Ham off his shoulder with one hand, lifting him up to face him.

“It’s nothing. I’m just being stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, Porker. I just wanna know what’s bothering ya.” Noir replied as he sat down on his sofa, placing Ham on his lap.

“It’s just- You’ll probably hate me for it anyway.” Ham sighed. To his surprise, Noir laughed.

“I could never hate ya, Peter. ‘Less ya killed my uncle, aunt, or the Spiderlings, I don’t give a damn. Just tell me what’s wrong.” Noir assured him. Ham wasn’t used to any of the Spiders using his first name and it threw him for a loop for a quick second.

“I just wanna know- and you don’t need to answer this but- are you and Felicia, like, a thing?” Ham cringed at his own question. The question caught Noir off guard for a second but quickly got over his initial shock.

“No, not necessarily. We used to… have something, I suppose, though it wasn’t really serious. Mainly makin’ whoopee but that’s all.”

“What’s ‘making whoopee’?” Ham asked. Noir only stared at him until it finally clicked for him. “OH...oh.”

“Mhmm. After some stuff, we ended it. Now, we barely talk.”

“Guessing that’s what she wanted to see you about?”

“...yes, but I’d rather spend time with you. Doesn’t seem fair that I invite you here, only to run off with someone else.” Ham felt a little bit better but still, he felt almost protective of Noir, clingy.

“Thanks.” Ham huffed.

“...What else is bothering ya? I can still see that look on your face.” Noir removed his mask to be literally eye to eye with Ham.

“I…” Ham hesitated, unable to say anything with those silver eyes watching him. _What next, Porker? You spent all day with him. Wasn’t this basically a date? Just tell him. He already told you about Felicia, bout time you told him about your little ‘secret’._

“Take your time.” Noir tried to soothe him. What Ham said next was nearly inaudible. “Sorry, couldn’t hear that.”

“I lo…” Ham’s words slowly turned into a whisper.

“Can’t hear ya, Pete-”

“I LOVE YOU!” Ham screamed. That shut up Noir real quick. He opened his mouth to say something but Ham cut him off again. “I love you so much, like, _really_ love you and it’s been driving me crazy! You’re just so dark and mysterious but deep down you’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and you’re just so wonderful! It’s stupid, but I was so jealous of Mulaney cause you see him in a way you don’t see me! He makes you smile effortlessly and the way Felicia flirted with you just upset me! I know it’s dumb and I know you’ll never love me back but I’ve just been holding it in for so long I can’t do it anymore!” Ham breathed heavily, only taking two breaths during the whole monologue. Noir’s expression was unreadable at that point. Ham internally knew he must’ve screwed up but he didn’t care. He had built all that up for so long that it nearly hurt. He needed to say it. He had to. Ham felt Noir’s whole body stiffen, acknowledging it was probably time to go. He sighed, making his way off Noir’s lap. “...I’m sorr-”

Ham was the one cut off this time when Noir carefully cupped Ham’s face and gently pressed his lips against Ham’s.

The moment Ham understood what was going on, he reciprocated, pulling Noir closer by the back of his neck. He honestly thought he was dreaming and sure as hell didn’t want to wake up if he was. Ham sighed when the detective pulled away, still holding his face to look up at him.

“I love you too and, this time, I mean it.” Noir whispered before kissing Ham again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me validation por favor  
> And idk if this was good but I have 0 idea on how romance works so 00f  
> also, if you recognize Paige and Tony, you're one of my kind


	14. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ham and Noir figure out some things and Peter has an announcement to make

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a few innuendos in this involving Hamnoir and if you don't like that, I'm sorry  
> I just have a really dark/dirty sense of humor lmao  
> And this chapter is fairly short and I appoligize for that. not really. I just saw the last How To Train Your Dragon movie and I feel like weeping because aAAh  
> haha, anyway, enjoy

Ham’s whole world was spinning when Noir started kissing him a second time.  _ Was this really happening?   _ Ham really hoped it was. He was clinging onto Noir's shirt, scared that he'd leave if he were to let go. At this point, he was 100% sure there were little hearts surrounding the two of them. He was severely disappointed when Noir pulled away. Apparently, his disappointment showed but Noir interpreted it as something completely different.

“I- I’m sorry. I should have asked. I didn’t mean to upset you-”

“What? Nononon, you didn’t upset me! I was just surprised, that’s all! Plus… I kinda didn’t want you to stop…” Ham chuckled nervously. When Noir smiled and kissed the tip of his nose, he felt like he was floating. Probably because he was.

“Hey, don’t try flying away from me.” Noir teased as he gently pushed Ham back down before he could float away. 

“Heh, sorry.” Ham smiled up at the detective. They stared at each other for a few moments, neither of them knowing exactly what to say.

“...So… What are we?” Noir whispered.

“What do you mean?” 

“Friends don’t normally kiss each other on the pecker before confessing their love for one another, ya know?”

“Oh, yeah… I dunno? It’s up to you, I guess-”

“Ah, but you need to have a say in this too. What do YOU want?” Noir asked as playfully squished Ham’s cheeks, holding back a laugh when they made the same noise as a squeaky toy.

“I… I want to be more than just friends.” Ham felt his cheeks turn hot as he spoke. He was sure Noir could even feel the heat of his face through his leather gloves. 

“You’re adorable, darling.” Noir chuckled before kissing one of Ham’s cheeks.  _ ‘Darling’. _ The word seemed to echo in Ham’s mind.  _ You’re so $#!@ing gay, Porker.  _ “I’d love to be more than friends.” He pulled Ham into a hug this time, the pig practically melting into it. 

“Mhmm.” Was all he could say before he lost himself into the embrace. They remained cuddling for several long minutes. He wasn’t sure how long it was until they both fell asleep.

  
  
  


Noir woke up, still laying down on the sofa. He looked down and noticed he was cuddling Ham close, using his coat as a blanket to cover them both. He looked outside, only to find out it was already the middle of the day. Probably 3 o’clock if he had to guess. Noir groaned but didn’t move, not wanting to disturb the sleeping pig. His thoughts lingered on the kiss and basically everything else that happened that night, wondering what he was going to tell the others.  _ The others. _

Noir carefully reached into his pocket to pull out his cellphone, being sure not to wake Ham. He was adorable when he slept, tiny ‘Z’s bubbling around him. When he finally had his phone, he contemplated on who to message. He saw that there had been some chatter on the group chat but it was mainly the kids goofing around and sending very peculiar images to one another. The latest message was from Peter B. at 1:52 pm. 

_ NowThatsEdgy: Hello, is anyone on right now? _

_ NowThatsEdgy: If not, that's fine. _

What Noir wasn’t expecting was for everyone, with the exception of Ham, to come online and start typing immediately. 

_ Gwanda: Sup Noir _

_ Sunflower: Yo, your boi’s up! _

_ JCPeni: NOIRY!!! :DD _

_ OldAssMan: Hey _

_ NowThatsEdgy: Shouldn’t you kids be in school? _

_ JCPeni: Shouldn’t you be sleeping with Ham in your arms? ;PP _

_ Gwanda: WOAH WHAT???? _

_ Sunflower: HOLD UP- _

_ OldAssMan: REPEAT THAT AGAIN, PENI? _

_ NowThatsEdgy: First off, how did you know? _

_ Sunflower: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH _

_ Gwanda: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT _

_ JCPeni: XD _

_ NowThatsEdgy: Second, it’s none of your beeswax. _

_ OldAssMan: Holy shit, I can’t believe you finally slept with Ham.  _

_ Sunflower: Disturbing, yet nice _

_ JCPeni: unusual showoff, but cool _

_ NowThatsEdgy: IT WAS NOT LIKE THAT! _

_ [Gwanda changed ‘NowThatsEdgy’s’ name to ‘A_FuckingFurry’] _

_ A_FuckingFurry: ...what? _

_ JCPeni: LOLOL _

_ JCPeni: Also, Noiry _

_ JCPeni: I’m the one who convinced you to take Hammy on a date so I kinda just guessed. _

_ Sunflower: A date huh? _

_ Gwanda: Interesting _

_ JCPeni: And all of us kinda knew you guys were head over heels for each other lol _

_ OldAssMan: Yeah, it was kinda obvious _

_ A_FuckingFurry: ...Was it really? _

_ Gwanda: More obvious than Ham in your universe _

_ Sunflower: More obvious than You in Ham’s universe _

_ JCPeni: More Obvious than SP//dr in any universe _

_ OldAssMan: More obvious than my lack of self worth _

_ Sunflower: More obvious than _

_ Sunflower: Wait what _

_ Sunflower: EXCUSE ME? _

_ Sunflower: NO SELF-DEPRECATING IN THIS CATHOLIC HOLY SERVER OF ROBLOX _

_ OldAssMan: It was a joke, kid _

_ A_FuckingFurry: Ok ok, I get your point. I just thinking on what to do. _

_ Gwanda: wym? _

_ A_FuckingFurry: We can only visit each other’s dimensions for about twelve hours and it’s nearly been well over twelve since Porker’s gotten here. I’m worried he’ll start glitching. _

_ JCPeni: Yeah, he might.  _

_ JCPeni: Might be better to take him back as soon as possible _

_ A_FuckingFurry: Ok. _

_ A_FuckingFurry: Thank you, Peni. _

_ JCPeni: ^w^ <3 _

_ OldAssMan: Hey, after Porkchop wakes, I gotta talk to y’all bout something. _

_ OldAssMan: But that’s for later _

_ OldAssMan: Just tell me when he wakes and we’ll chat _

_ Sunflower: Aight! _

_ Gwanda: Fair  _

_ A_FuckingFurry: Alright, gotta go _

_ Sunflower: Adiós!  _

_ JCPeni: BYE!!! <3 _

_ Gwanda: See ya! _

_ OldAssMan: bye, Pete _

Noir flushed when Ham nuzzled against him in his sleep. He really didn’t want to wake him up but didn’t have any choice. Especially when Ham woke up when he suddenly began to glitch, startling Noir. He flashed several bright colors, his cries distorted until it calmed down and he landed on the floor, bumping his head.

“Ow.” Ham groaned as he sat up, rubbing his head. 

Noir quickly knelt down next to him. “Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

“Mhmm, yeah, I’m fine.” Ham assured him. “That’s one hell of a way to wake up.”

“I was just about to wake you too. You need to return to your dimension to end the glitching.” Noir helped him back up to his feet.

“Aww, but I don’t wanna go.” Ham whined. 

“You have to, darling.”

“Ughhh… but I’m still covered in makeup! Can I at least shower first?” Ham begged, grabbing onto Noir’s shirt collar. Noir took a very very long breath and sighed deeply.

“Ok, fine. But once you’re bathed, you’re gone, alright?” 

“YES! Thank you!” Ham smooched Noir’s cheek with a loud, dramatic  _ ‘MWAH!’  _ before running into the bathroom.

“Hey! Keep the door unlocked in case-”

“Too early into the relationship for that, you naughty boy~”

“-IN CASE YOU GLITCH OUT AGAIN!” 

  
  
  


_ “My memories came back in the form of someone else.” _

_ “I know this feeling, yeah, I know this very well.” _

_ “Why won’t you love me now? Why won't you love me now?” _

_ “Why won’t you love me now-” _

“Why won’t you love me now?” Miles sung along with the music blasting in his headphones as he unlocked the door to his dorm. His roommate was at some robotics club or something so he had the whole room to himself until his company showed up in half an hour. At least he thought.

“Nice singing, kid.” He nearly jumped at the new voice in the room. Peter was sitting upside down on the ceiling, eating what looked like a rolled up pizza slice. Gwen was sitting on the top of his bunk bed, scrolling through her phone.

“Peter? What are you doing here? Why didn’t you call me or at least let me know you were here?”

“Slow down, kid. Too many questions.” Peter hopped off and landed on his feet in front of Miles. 

“Honestly, I was going to ask the same thing. I was already planning on hanging out with Miles today. I have no idea what you’re doing here.” Gwen finally looked up from her phone.

“Yeah yeah, I just wanted to tell Miles something important but since you’re here,” Peter gestured at her with his free hand. “I might as well tell you too.” The two kids gave each other suspicious looks but shrugged, looking back at Peter.

“Well, what is it?” Miles asked, setting his stuff down in the corner of the room. 

“Uh, so, you guys know how MJ and I split, right?” 

“No? Really?” Miles spoke with pure sarcasm.

“I never would have guessed.”

“Haha, how funny. Anyway, you obviously know how we started dating again and I tried to make things work and how-” 

“Just get to the point, old man.” Gwen groaned. Peter glared at her for a second but overall didn’t acknowledge the ‘old man’ part.

“MJ and I are getting married again.”

“Woah! Congrats, man!”

“Congratulations, Pete.” 

“Yeah, since we already got married, we didn’t really want a big celebration, more of an exchange of vows and a small party after so we thought it’d be cool if you and the other Spiderpeople-”

“You’re inviting us to your wedding?” Miles asked excitedly. 

“Yeah, I am.” Peter smiled when he saw Miles’ face light up.

“HECK YEAH! THAT’S GONNA BE SO COOL!”

“Hell yeah. Only question is, why’d you come here to talk to just Miles?” Gwen tilted her head slightly.

“Well, I was actually going to ask if he wanted to be my best ma-”

“YES!” Miles’ whole body flickered with electricity for a split second. “I’M GOING TO BE SPIDER-MAN’S BEST MAN!”

“You are Spider-Man, ya goof.” Gwen laughed from above.

“Oh, also, MJ wants you to be her maid of honor, Gwen.”

“Woah, really? Awesome. Tell her I’m down for that!” 

“Can’t believe he’s finally getting married.” Miles sniffed. 

“They grow up so fast.”  

“Don’t patronize me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu pwease weave me kudos and comments thankies owo  
> Also, I'm gonna be writing a Hogwarts AU after this fic is done so be prepared for that uwu   
> I'm writing the first chapter rn and will be posting it soon but this fic will be my main focus until it's finished and, yes, it is going to be Hamnoir focused and I'm very excited to write it  
> (btw, my Spiderverse Tumblr is @friendlyneighborhoodspiderham because yes. You can go follow me there and you can see some ideas I have for the unnamed Hogwarts AU. And you should totally give me name suggestions or other suggestions you have for the fic and yeah ok this has gone on long enough, bye <3)


	15. You were my earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwen and Miles get burgers, Peni gets two dads, and Noir and Ham decide they should probably have a quick talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why this took so long to write but it's here now!

Once Peter had left, Miles and Gwen both suited up and started swinging around the city. It was the first time they had finally gotten to hang out in Miles’ dimension without something bad happening. If anything, the whole day had been good so far. Ham and Noir were being gay somewhere, Peter invited them to his wedding, and they get to be Best Man and the Maid of Honor.  All they needed now was some good old fashion-

“Burger Time!” Miles cheered when he landed on top of the burger joint.

“Hey, they have this place in my universe. It’s really good. Except it’s called ‘Karl’s Sr.’ and not ‘Carlos Jr.’s.” Gwen commented as she landed next to him.

“Your dimension is weird.”

“Says the kid who can turn invisible.” Gwen scoffed. Both of them crawled off the side of the building, walking into the restaurant. Almost immediately, a swarm of kids and teenagers surrounded the two of them. Gwen tensed for a moment until she noticed they were all cheering and taking pictures of Miles.

“Woah! Spider-man!”

“I can’t believe I’m actually in the same room as Spidey!”

“Spidey eats burgers?”

“Is that your girlfriend?”

“Is she the Ghost-Spider?”

“Is she from another dimension?”

Miles shook a few hands and took a few pictures before climbing the ceiling and making his way to the cashier from there. It took Gwen a few moments to realized they weren’t in danger before she followed Miles. The staff was semi-annoyed by the uproar of Spidey fans but they ignored it as they took their order. Once they were done, they sat on the ceiling to avoid the hoard of people on the ground.

It was weird to see so many people in love with Miles. Gwen always had to run away from people whenever she showed up anywhere. Everyone hated Ghost-Spider. But here? They loved Spider-man. She was happy for Miles, but Gwen couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. No one saw him as a monster or as a killer. Even when his own father thought Spider-man killed Aaron, they believed he was innocent the moment he webbed up Kingpin. She still hasn’t been able to prove her innocence.

She truly did love Peter…

“You alright, Gwen?” Gwen was brought back to reality when Miles had said her name. She couldn’t see through his lense, but all she knew is that he was clearly staring at her.

“Uh, yeah, sorry. I just got distracted. Also, try not to say my name out loud.”

“Oh, sorry. Do you wanna talk about what’s wrong or...? You don’t have to.” Miles quickly added. Gwen sighed, leaning back slightly.

“I was just thinking about Peter.”

“Which one?”

“The one from my dimension.”

“Oh… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“No!” Gwen said a bit too loudly. “No, it’s fine. I was just thinking about how everyone thinks I…” She trailed off, not needing to finish her sentence for Miles to catch on. “And how I’m trying so hard to prove I’m innocent and you… you are loved by everyone. No one calls you a murderer on a daily basis. I just want everyone to know what really happened but no one will listen to me. Sometimes I wish I could trade places with you.”

“Maybe we could?” Miles suggested.

Gwen shook her head, “No, they’d think you’re a villain. I don’t want you to go through what I do.”

“Well, if you ever need a break from all that, you’re always welcome to visit me.” Miles’ lenses suggested he was smiling under his mask. To his surprise, Gwen seemed to have smiled back.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“ORDER FOR SPIDER-MAN AND GHOST-SPIDER!” The cashier called out, jumping when Miles shot a web and tugged their food towards them.

“How’re you supposed to eat this upside down?” Gwen asked, eating a fry that had fallen out of the bag.

“We can eat on the roof if you’d like?”

“Sounds unsanitary… let’s do it.”

The burgers were even better than the ones in Gwen’s dimension, though, she had to admit, the fries weren’t nearly as good. Plus, the soda’s were weird with really odd names. She was drinking something called ‘Prof. Salt’ which was probably a knock off of ‘Medic Spice’ from her own dimension. Either way, it tasted pretty much the same.

“Hey! Spider-man!” A kid from below shouted at them.

“Uh, yeah, kid?” Miles shouted back in his fake ‘grown-up’ voice.

“Are you two dating?” Gwen coughed hysterically as she choked on a fry.

“W-what? No! We’re just friends!”

“Yeah, ok.” The kid winked before taking a picture of them and running away.

“...Do people normally assume we’re dating? Is that a thing in this dimension?” Gwen asked, pulling up _Chirper,_ this dimension’s version of _Peeper,_ and looking up “Ghost-Spider”. To her surprise, there were many chirps asking whether or not they were.

“Heh, yeah. But can you imagine? Us? Dating?” Miles laughed awkwardly.

“That sure would be funny.”

“...really?”

“Well, yeah? Both of our dads are cops, we’re both Spiders, I’m a year older than you, we’re from completely different dimensions… do I need to go on?”

“...No.” Miles mumbled, biting into his burger.

“Exactly. Either way, we all know you’re not the best at flirting.”

“Excuse me? I’m awesome at flirting! The shoulder touch was the ultimate flirting move.” Miles faked a gasp of offense.

“And where did that lead to? The nurse’s office.”

“It’s not my fault my hand got caught in your hair!”

“Isn’t it though?”

“You flipped me over and smashed me into the ground!”

“You were about to rip out my hair!”

“What was I supposed todo?”

“Not pull out my hair?”

“You two argue too much.” Both of them jumped when SP//dr landed next to them.

“Peni? What’re you doing here?” Gwen asked as SP//dr’s screen opened up so Peni could steal a fry from their tray.

“To deliver this.” Peni handed Miles a device that looked like a really high-tech watch.

“What is it?”

“Your new and improved dimensional teleporter. I made it look like a watch so it wouldn’t seem suspicious. It can track which dimension the others are in, teleport you to any of the six dimensions we know of, and tell you the time. Just press your finger to the screen for a few seconds to have the menu pop up. Without your fingerprint, it’ll just look like an ordinary watch.”

“What about my old one?” Miles asked, putting the new device around his wrist.

“Take it apart if you want, or do whatever you want I guess. Or you can give it to me to use as spare parts.” Peni shrugged, eating more of their fries.

“So it shouldn’t make him glitch anymore?” Gwen questioned, moving the tray out of Peni’s reach, much to her annoyance.

“From what I can tell, yes. I’ve been running tests and it seems to work perfectly fine though it might act up so if anything happens, call me as soon as possible, alright?”

“Yeah, alright. Thanks, Peni!” Miles handed her his own fries.

“No problem. I was gonna give Noiry and Ham their devices but I have a robotics club in a few minutes so mind texting them to visit my dimension? Thanks.” Peni didn’t wait for a reply as she opened a portal to her dimension and hopped through.

“You’re welcome for the fries!” Miles shouted right as the portal closed.

“I forget that Peni’s actually a genius, not gonna lie.” Gwen said as she sent Noir and Ham the messages Peni asked them to.

“I know, right? Wish I could be that smart. Hey, wanna race to the Empire State Building?”

“Do you have any idea how far that is?”

“Is that a ‘no’ or an excuse because you’re a coward?”

“Last one there has to buy the movie tickets!” Gwen shouted as she shoved the rest of her burger into her mouth and swung away.

“Cheater!” Miles screamed as he raced after her.

  
  


“And Alex said, ‘Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.’ I mean, that’s the end of that story, but how #$@%ed up is that?” Ham asked. Noir didn’t respond due to him getting adjusted to all the bright colors in Ham’s world. He had been there a few times but never for too long. Now he was sitting in Ham’s living room. It was much brighter than he had remembered.

“Uh, yeah. Oh, I just remembered Peter B. wanted me to message the chat when you’re awake.” Noir pulled out his cellphone, making his way to the messaging app. Apparently he could use it for many more things but he only used it to check the time and to talk with the others. He noticed he had gotten a direct message from Gwen too.

_Gwendolyn Stacy: Hey, Noir, Peni needs to give you something so you and Ham have to go to her dimension to pick it up. She’s heading to class rn tho so maybe wait a few._

“Peni needs to see meet in her dimension. Apparently she has something to give us.”

“Our little Pen Pen wants us to visit her?” Ham asked while he pulled out lasagna from the oven that definitely wasn’t on a few moments ago.

“I guess so. Though, let’s see what Peter wants first.” Noir shrugged, accepting the plate being handed to him.

_A_FuckingFurry: Porker’s awake._

_OldAssMan: Alright good. Is @JCPeni on? I already told Miles and Gwen_

_JCPeni: yed_

_JCPeni: yes*_

_JCPeni: sotry im textjng in a rushj caus im runming to schkol_

_OldAssMan: That’s fine_

_OldAssMan: cause I need to tell you all something important really quick_

_OldAssMan: I just first wanna say that I appreciate you all immensily and I couldn’t have asked for better friends_

_OldAssMan: You’re all really important to me_

_JCPeni: Hirru up_

_John Mulaney: Just spill it_

_OldAssMan: wow, ok, rude_

_OldAssMan: I was just gonna say that MJ and I are getting married and you’re all invited_

_JCPeni: WOAG THAS SI C)OL!!!11!_

_John Mulaney: Congratulations from Edge and I!_

_OldAssMan: Porker?_

_John Mulaney: Yess?_

_OldAssMan: How come when your message came in there was confetti that shot out of my phone?_

_John Mulaney: I have no idea what you’re talking about_

_OldAssMan: What are you? A ghost?_

_JCPeni: lol_

_John Mulaney:_ ~~ **_A higher power than all you foolish mortals_ ** ~~

_OldAssMan: …_

_OldAssMan: @A_FuckingFurry Your boyfriend scares me_

_A_FuckingFurry: Me too._

_OldAssMan: AHA! SO YOU ARE DATING_

_JCPeni: Doed tis mean i hav 2 dad?_

_[Sunflower changed OldAssMan’s name to ‘NoLongerDivorced’]_

_NoLongerDivorced: Thanks, Miles_

_Sunflower: No problem_

_Sunflower: Also_

_Sunfower: HAM AND NOIR ARE DATING?_

_Sunflower: GWEN OWES ME TEN DOLLARS NOW WOOH_

_Gwanda: Whatever_

_Gwanda: You’re still buying the movie tickets_

_Sunflower: Deal_

_John Mulaney: Not to be thirsty on main but Noir is definitely blushing right now and he’s adorable but he’ll never admit it_

Noir looked up from his phone to see Ham giggling.

“What’re ya playin’ at?” he asked, feeling his face heat up.

“I don’t think I know what you mean.” The pig gave him his best ‘I’m-completely-pure-and-innocent’ look.

“You’re unbearable.”

“And you’re adorable.” Ham winked at him before blowing Noir a kiss that literally smacked his cheek. It wasn't hard but it did startle him.

_Sunflower: Awwww_

_Gwanda: lmao yall are so gay_

_NoLongerDivorced: Gross, affection_

_Sunflower: Says the one who invited us to his wedding._

_NoLongerDivorced: Hey!_

_Gwanda: Oooooooooo_

_Gwanda: He just spilt the 🍵_

_NoLongerDivorced: Unbelievable_

_NoLongerDivorced: Anyway, I gotta go since I have a date with MJ in a few_

_NoLongerDivorced: See you gays later_

“... This does mean Pen Pen has two dads!” Ham gasped as he shoved a forkful of lasagna into his mouth, the idea barely processing in his head.

“What do ya mean?”

“Isn't it obviously, Edge? You're the closest thing she has to a father figure. Since we're dating, I'm her dad too!”

“Not sure that's how it works, Darli-”

“Then let's adopt her!” Ham interrupted. Noir stared at his boyfriend for a few moments, trying to figure out whether or not he was joking.

“You must be joking.”

“No, I'm dead serious. Let's adopt Peni. She visits your dimension a lot anyway. What would the problem be?”

“The problem is that we're from completely different dimensions and I doubt we could officially adopt her. Not to mention she already has legal guardians.”

“I'm sure they wouldn't mind! You take care of her almost every day anyway!”

“I can't let her live in my dimension. It's too… dark. She doesn't deserve to live in a world filled with war and death.” Noir frowned at the thought of Peni living in his dimension.

“Then we can find another dimension to live in! Get married, find a house, raise Pen Pen, and save the city!”

“Get married and live in another dimension? I can't just up and leave! Plus Peni needs to keep her own dimension safe. We all know we're the only ones keeping our own respective cities safe from oblivion.” Noir shook his head, walking over to the sink to clean his dirty plate. “Not to mention we've barely started datin’. Too early don't cha think?” The pig froze, Noir's words processing in his head.

“... I… I guess.” Ham sighs, using his fork to pick at one of the uneaten chunks of pasta. The disappointment in Ham's voice hurt Noir to an unbelievable extent. Did he say something wrong? What was it? The detective finished cleaning his plate and walk next to the chair the pig was sitting in.

“Sorry, didn't mean to let ya down.” Noir apologized as he kissed the top of Ham's head.

“No, it's fine. I was… I dunno. Everything moves so fast here, ya know? In cartoons, couples almost always work out in the end anyway, since it's all sunshine and rainbows here, so I just thought… but it's different now.” The cartoon leaned against the monochrome man before continuing. “YOU'RE not a cartoon. You're a human being. We… we actually need to talk this out, huh?”

“That's kinda how it works, darling. I know you're excited and all, but we need to talk ‘bout it first before we can make any big decisions.” Noir smiled down at his boyfriend, somewhat sadly. Ham reached his hands out, making grabby hands. Fighting the urge to roll his eyes, Noir picked him up and held him closely to his chest. Ham's arm immediately wrapped around the detectives neck as he rested his head on his shoulder.

“We really rushed into this, huh?”

“Kinda, yeah. But we can work it out.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. Now let's go see what our ‘daughter’ wants to give us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Noir and Ham having to discuss their expectations/setting their boundaries and having a healthy discussion about their relationship before things get too serious? In MY Hamnoir fic? More likely than you thing  
> (Also, this is definitely something you should discuss with your significant other before you guys get serious, just saying 👌👌) the talk™ might happen in two chapters though since I want Peni shenanigans in the next one but it will happen! I promise!  
> Anyway thanks for reading, please leave kudos and comments, I'm desperate


	16. I fell in love with you one night in september

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peni, Ham, and Noir go clothes shopping  
> Miles and Gwen hang out  
> and finally, there's actual plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I got busy and then I got writer's block so this might not even be a good chapter but eh  
> I have new plot points I want to add so I gotta get through this one to continue angst uwu

Peni nearly fell asleep five times in the past fifteen minutes. Staying awake was probably the hardest thing at the moment. She hadn’t been able to get any sleep for nearly two days, not since the whole ‘being-trapped-in-Miles’-dimension-again’ debacle. Not to mention she had to stay after school to make up a week’s worth of tests that she missed. Plus, she stayed up all night to build the new teleporters.  Maybe she could ask Peter if she could stay over tonight...

“Ms. Parker, can you please pay attention?” the teacher’s voice interrupted her thoughts, nearly causing her to knock over her books. 

“Yes, sorry, sir.” Peni sighed, looking back at her paper. It was easy, but she had too much trouble focusing on her work. She did have excellent grades, maybe rushing just this one won’t be too bad… 

She was once again brought back to reality when there was a hard knock at the door. She kinda ignored it since it was probably another teacher coming to talk to her own about something. That was until she heard a veeeryyy familiar voice.

“Hey, fella. I’m lookin’ for a Peni Parker?” Hearing her name, Peni looked up, trying to get a good look at the figure but couldn’t due to her teacher covering him.

“And who may you be?”

“I’m Peter Parker, her uncle. I just need to see her for a quick minute. Shouldn’t take too long.”

“She never mentioned that she had another uncle.” The teacher pointed out suspiciously. Peni was finally able to catch a glimpse of the ‘stranger’.

“Peter!” Both adults turned to Peni after the outburst. It was quite obviously Noir, with the scars, pitch black hair, and round glasses but he was colored. Even his clothes were colored. Oh, his clothes. It wasn’t his usual black trenchcoat, but a red turtleneck with a Captain America symbol on it, blue jeans, and an unusually large satchel. She knew he probably didn’t know who in the world Cap was but she still found it hilarious.

“Peni, do you know this man?” her teacher asked, still glaring at Noir suspiciously. 

“Oh! Yeah, he’s my Uncle! I haven’t seen you in forever!” Peni leapt over the desk and tackled Noir in a hug. 

“You saw me two days ago, Peni.” Noir laughed, hugging her back.

“But I missed you! Also! Can I spend the night at your place tonight?” Peni asked.

“Of course.”

“YES!” Peni cheered as she turned her attention to her teacher. “Can I chat with my uncle for a few minutes?” 

“Hmm… fine. But make it quick.” 

Once they closed the door behind them, Noir’s bag rattled violently. Peni was just about to ask why until a pink snout poked out of the bag.

“Is it safe to come out?”

“As far as I can tell, yes.” Noir responded. Ham sprang out of the satchel with an overdramatic ‘ _ pop’,  _ landing on the ground after performing a few flips in the air. There were cheers and applause from seemingly nowhere as Ham bowed. 

“Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all night, folks!” 

“Who are you talking to?”

“The readers.”

“The wh-”

“Anyway, how’s my little Pen Pen?” Ham jumped up and landed on top of Peni’s head.

“I’ve been alright. The real question is how are you two doing?” Peni asked, a smug look on her face. 

“It has been snazzy so far.” 

“Edge has been such a sweetheart! He’s just a big ol’ softy.”

“Oh please, everyone knows that. Noiry is just like a gentle giant. Scary but sweet.” Peni giggled. Noir was very thankful his foundation covered up most of how dark his face had gotten. 

“Can- Can we talk about something else?” Noir used one of his hands to cover a side of his face. 

“Right, so, your portals.” Peni dug her hand into her pocket, pulling out two watch-like devices, one of them a dark silver, most likely for Noir. “I built you new ones that shouldn’t make you glitch at all. Can’t guarantee they won’t though so just let me know if anything happens to them.”

“Woah, thanks, Pen!” Ham examined the device he took from Peni. His was significantly smaller than Noir’s, which made sense. He slipped it onto his wrist, mesmerized by the bright colors on the screen. There were six little icons on that most likely represented each of the members in the Spidergang. There was a cartoon pig head, a black spider, and a robotic looking spider that said ‘Earth-14512’ next to each of them. A pastel blue spider and a red graffiti spider had ‘Earth-1610’ aside both and the final blue spider was labeled ‘Earth-616’.

“Each icon resembles one of the Spiders and it tells you exactly which dimension they’re in. It’s fairly obvious which spider is which. It appears as a regular watch until you scan your fingerprint so you don’t have to worry about it seeming suspicious.” 

“That’s hot.” Noir commented, messing with the tiny icons. 

“Ok, Will Smith.” Peni laughed.

“What?”

“Uh, nothing. Anyway, I have to get back to my test but maybe we could hang out after I’m done? OOO! We can go get out outfits for Peter B.’s wedding!” Peni hopped excitedly.

“@#$% yeah! I already have a suit, I just need a bowtie so I’m down, how about you, Edge?” Ham asked as he started crawling back inside Noir’s satchel. 

“It’ll be a swell way to pass the time. When do you get out of school?”

“As soon as I finish this last test we can go.”

“We’ll wait for you out here, Pen.” Ham saluted before disappearing into the bag again.

“Alright! I’ll be right back!” Peni sped into the classroom and, not even ten seconds later, bursted through the door again. “Ok, I’m done! Let’s go!”

********  
  


Miles and Gwen walked out of the movie theatre, fairly unimpressed with the film they had just seen.

“I thought it’d be better.”

“Wasn’t worth the twelve dollars.” Miles groaned.

“What do you wanna do now?” Gwen asked, slipping her mask back on. 

“We can watch some movies at my place. Or we could play some games, whatever you’d like, I guess.” Miles shrugged. 

“I guess a good movie seems good. We can buy a bunch of snacks, rent a movie, and stay up allllllll night cause it’s Friday so fuck getting a decent amount of sleep.” Gwen grinned, pointing finger guns at Miles.

“Hell yeah. Let’s get them good treats.”

When they finally made it back to Miles’ house, they already had all the snacks they'd need for the night. Gwen decided in the movie ‘How to Train Dragons’ since it wasn't something she had in her dimension. 

“You've seriously never seen ‘How to train Dragons’? It's a masterpiece!” Miles said as her inserted the DVD. 

“No, though it has a similar premise to ‘Wyvern Riders’.” Gwen shrugged, laying down on the the couch. 

“Woah, really? Sounds cool.” 

“Yeah, except the riders are demons and they're trying to conquer hell with their pet wyverns.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, it's great.” Gwen chuckled. Once the movie started playing, Miles sat down next to Gwen. The moment he did, she decided to lay down across his lap. 

“Excuse me? I'm not your pillow.”

“What're you gonna do about it?” Gwen grinned. 

“To be quite honest, not much.”

Not even fifteen minutes in, Miles’ front door opened, his mom walking in as she was talking on the phone.

“...no, I told you, I’m busy tomorrow! Also I- hold on for a minute-” Rio used her hand to cover the speaker on her phone, “Miles? ¿Eres tú mi amor?”

“Sí, mamá y Gwen también.” Miles called back, lowering the volume of the TV. 

Rio walked over to the couch to plant a kiss on the side of Miles’ cheek and looked down at Gwen, “Hello, Gwen.”

“Hi, Mrs. Morales.” She grinned, waving at her.

“I’m on the phone right now but I’ll be in my room if you two need me. Have fun, alright?” She whispered before putting the phone up to her ear again. “Yes. Yes, I’m still here. I was just talking to my son…” Her voice faded out as she walked into her room, closing the door behind her.

“I like your mom. She’s nice.” 

“She’s like the sweetest person in the world, honestly.” Miles said as he cracked open a Koka-Soda and started drinking it.

“Aside from you?” he heard Gwen say right before he started choking on his soda. “Woah, don’t die on me, Spidey.” 

“You can’t just say those things, Gwen!”

“Why not? You flirt with me all the time and I don’t die right on the spot.” She shrugged, shoving a few chips into her mouth.

“Y-yeah, bu-”

“Is it because of your crush on me?” Gwen asked, way too calmly for Miles to feel comfortable with. How was this so… normal to talk about for her? Sure, he never really hid his feelings for her and they both knew about them, they even had an unspoken agreement to not talk about it, but she was way to relaxed about this.

“I- yeah, it is- look, why are you so calm about this?” 

“Because you’re my best friend and I don’t want something as silly as a crush to ruin our friendship. You’re my first friend since I lost Peter and I don’t want to make the same mistake I did with him.” 

“And what’s that?”

“Take our friendship for granted.” Gwen responded, almost immediately. “I always thought Peter, Harry, and I would be best friends forever… but we weren’t. So, no matter what, I’m going to make sure nothing bad happens between us, alright?” Miles actually didn’t know what to say. He knew he was her first friend since the incident but something about the way she said it made him flustered. 

“...alright.” 

“Good, now hand me a brownie.”

********  
  


If it weren't for their heightened speed, Noir was sure they would’ve gotten lost following Peni. She may not have the same abilities, but the girl can run. Ham was finally released from his bag but that didn’t prevent the awkward staring from others. Both him and Noir had their masks on so it really wasn’t much of a problem anyway.

The whole futuristic look of Peni's universe confused both Peters immensely. 2019 was weird enough of Noir, 3145 nearly overwhelmed him. Thankfully, Peni tried her best to keep them as far away from busy streets as possible. Eventually, they stopped at a fairly normal looking store with very fancy clothes on display. To Noir's surprise, it wasn't that odd looking compared to the clothes he wore. He wasn't sure what he was expecting from futuristic fashion but he was glad it wasn't anything crazy. 

Peni opened the door, the smell of perfume hitting them instantly. The guy sitting behind the counter looked bored, but he immediately perked up when he saw the three enter the building. 

“Hey, Peni! Welcome to Robert's tailor shop, how may I help you two- three?” The guy had to do a double take when he saw the walking pig. “... He with you?”

“Yeah, hope you don't mind. We're just planning on getting him a bowtie, that’s all.” Peni confirmed. 

“Well, wouldn't be the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen. What can I help you with?” 

“We're invited to a wedding so we're here to try some stuff on. We don't want nothin’ too fancy though. Just somethin’ nice but simple.” Noir answered, looking around at the designs. 

“Alright, have a look around and let me know if anything catches your eyes or if you want a specific style or color, just let me know.” He gestured to the clothes around them. “I’m Burnham, by the way.” 

“Thanks B!” Peni smiled and began to examine one of the dresses nearby. Noir had already began to examine a black tuxedo that caught his eye the moment they entered the tailor. He’d have to get one that fit his appropriate height but he did enjoy it quite a bit. 

“You’d look great in this one.” Noir heard Ham say next to him. Looking down, he noticed Ham had decided to take his mask off. “Quite handsome if I do say so myself.” Ham grinned up at him. 

“Only one way to find out. Hey, fella!” Noir called out to Burnham, who was helping Peni look for a dress. 

“I’ll be right back, P. Yeah, Mr…. what should I call you?” Burnham asked as he walked up to them.

“Just Peter fine. I was wondering if I could try one of these on?” 

“No problem, mind if I measure you?” Burnham asked, pulling out his an odd device from his pocket. 

“Sure, go ahead.” Noir nodded. Burnham pointed the object at him and blue lasers seemed to scan his body for a second before turning off. 

“Forgot this is the future.” Noir heard Ham mumble under his breath

“Damn, six foot six? Barely an inch taller than me. I’ll check in the back to see if I can find the suit for you.” Burnham nodded before walking off.

“You’re six foot six? How can a person get that tall?” Ham pouted. “I barely make it to your knee. This is some bull$#!*.” 

“Sorry, darling, I can’t control my height.” Noir shrugged. 

“I wish you could.”

“How come? So you wouldn’t feel so small in comparison?” His chuckle was cut short when Ham hopped up, clinging onto Noir’s shirt collar to keep himself up.

“So it’s easier to kiss you.” Ham whispered before he pressed a gentle kiss against the taller spider’s cheek. Even though he was still wearing his own mask, Noir was able to feel the very light feeling of Ham’s lips. He felt his entire face darken when Ham pulled away and smiled sweetly at him. 

“Awwww, you guys are so cute!” Peni cooed, suddenly appearing beside the two, holding a dress in her hand. “Glad you two were finally able work out your feelings.”

“Me too, Peni. Say, did you find a dress?” Noir asked, letting Ham crawl onto his am and sit on his shoulder. 

“I think so. I really like this one.” She responded, holding out the dress. It was a simple long, white dress that had pink cherry blossom accents. “Didn't feel like getting anything too fancy.” 

“I like it. You can try it on while Edge tries on his suit.”

“Speakin’ of, here it comes.” Noir jerked his head towards Burnham, who was returning with a suit in hand. 

“Here ya go. The dressing rooms are over there so go help yourself. Oh! And Peni! You can try that on too if you'd like.” 

“Thanks, Burnham.” Noir nodded. 

“Oh, just call me Bo. Burnham's my last name. I just use it cause it makes me seem professional but I don't think I need to act that way considering there's a walking talking pig with his human boyfriend.” 

“Uh… yeah, sorry if it’s weird, B.” Peni mumbled

Bo shrugged, “I’ve seen weirder. Ever heard of Andy the frog?”

“That f$@#er owes me money.” Ham growled under his breath.

“Anyway, I’ll go try this on. Be back in a minute.” Peni said before entering one of the changing rooms. 

“As will I.” Noir plucked Ham off his shoulder and placed him on the ground. 

“Can’t wait to see you in the tux.” Ham winked.

“Don’t turn this into a weird thing.” Noir scoffed, walking towards the rooms.

“Oh! I won’t!” Ham called out. Once the door closed, he magically appeared on Bo’s shoulder, whispering, “I will.”

“You know, you sound a lot like my friend, John.” Bo commented. “He’s a pretty big celebrity so you can imagine how it feels to be his friend when you’re just the owner of a tailor shop.”

“!@$#, is there a version of me in every dimension?” Ham whispered to himself before turning to Bo again. “Must be weird to see your friend’s name in lights?”

“Yeah… I mean, I used to be a comedian too, but I quit that a while ago and opened up shop here. Peni is one of the few customers I have that recognized me.”

“Really? Why’d you quit?”

“I hated it after a while. I enjoyed making people laugh but I was basically making people pay to be happy and that’s just not fucking fair.” 

“I hear ya, brother.” Ham sighed. Both of them turned their heads when Noir walked out of a changing room. Ham’s jaw literally dropped to the ground the moment he saw him. The detective had decided to remove his mask for this so he couldn’t hide the blush that darkened his cheeks when he witnessed his boyfriend’s reaction. Other than the tux looking absolutely perfect on Noir, his hair was slightly messy from wearing his mask and Ham couldn’t help it when his tail curled into the shape of a heard or when his eyes turned into giant hearts.  Bo chose to ignore the pig on his shoulder (internally wheezing) as he walked over to Noir.

“It’s perfect! Your boyfriend seems to think so too.” Bo laughed as he handed over said pig to Noir. Ham barely came into contact with his hands before he leapt up and wrapped his arms around his neck. 

“I hate how handsome you are.” Ham mumbled.

“I can put my mask back on if you want.” Noir joked.

“Don’t you dare.” 

“So I take it that you like the suit?” Noir asked, pulling Ham off of his neck but still continued to hold him.

“Wouldn’t be the word I used to describe it, but yes.” 

“Get a room, you two.” Peni laughed. She was wearing the dress she picked out. Along the way, she grabbed a flower crown with cherry blossoms and worn it along with the dress. It was interesting since her hair was pitch black but she did look nice in it.

“Awwwww, our Pen Pen looks all grown up!” 

“You look very nice, Peni.” 

“Thanks. I look like a fairy.” Peni said as she looked at herself from the mirror.

“Maybe you could be the flower girl.” Bo suggested, leaning against the wall. 

“Oh my god! You should! You’d be the perfect flower girl! We should ask Pete!” Ham was already pulling his phone out.

“Maybe I should buy the clothes first, don’t you think?” Peni giggled.

“Oh, right.” 

“By the way, have you found a bowtie that’d work?” Peni asked.

“Of course I did!” Ham said as he showed off a light pink bowtie. “I think it matches my skin, dontcha think?” 

“That’s pink, right?” Noir asked, taking the bowtie away from Ham. 

“Sure is. You’re getting better with colors, hun.” 

“Alrighty! B, I’ll be paying for the suit, dress, and bowtie. Oh, and the crown too.” Peni said as she walked over to the counter, Bo following her.

“Sorry to make you pay, Pen.”

Peni shrugged, “Eh, I don’t mind. Plus, neither of you have Bux, do you?” Their blank expressions answered for them. “That what I thought.” 

********  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Took you long enough. _

**_Sorry, I got busy._ **

_ What could be more important than this? _

**_Other than remaining under the radar as I made repairs?_ **

_ You made your point. Did you find a way out? _

**_I alway do. Why do you think I’m here in the first place?_ **

_ Good. Now all we need to do is break  _ **_him_ ** _ out. _

**_Don’t worry. I already have it covered._ **

_ Perfect. I knew keeping you around would be useful.  _

**_I have to admit, they’re harder to catch than I thought. Though, their weaknesses prove useful._ **

_ Weaknesses?  _

**_Each of them is weak to something. Whether it be each other or someone else._ **

_ Hmm… I see…  _

**_Straight back then?_ **

_ … _

**_Hello?_ **

_ Hmm? Oh, yes, about that. I believe I have a change of plans, actually. _

**_Great._ **

_ Oh, don’t be too upset. It’ll work out for both of us in the end. You’ll get what I promised you and I’ll get the one thing I desire most. _

**_Power?_ **

_ Revenge. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankies for reading, leave a comment and kudos (Please, I'm desperate)
> 
>  
> 
> (Also, I was gonna add very very very very very verrrryyy veeerrrrrrryyyy veeeeerrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy lightly implied smut in the next chapter but I'm too much of a coward so this is all you'll get.)


	17. We've Got History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noir and Ham chat  
> Peni calls a meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruv, this chapter is hecka short I'm sorry  
> Next one is probably gonna be really long since things are about to go down uwu

Noir woke up in a bed that definitely wasn’t his. It had color, something non-existent in his dimension so he must have been in someone else’s dimension. His cartoonish surroundings gave away he was most likely in Ham’s dimension unless there was some other cartoon dimension he wasn’t aware of. Scanning the room around him, he concluded it was Ham’s very own room, with all the pictures of the Spider-Fam, a wooden mallet in the corner, and the tuxedo Noir had given him folded nicely on top of the dresser. 

Getting out of bed, Noir found himself wearing the red turtleneck Ham had given him. It was pretty comfortable, he’ll give it that but he had no idea what the weird symbol meant. It wasn’t anything he recognized. Peni had called it ‘Cap’s emblem’, whatever that meant. From the outside of the room, he heard someone singing the song ‘Sunflower’, a song Miles played really often.  

“Peter?” Noir called out as he opened the door. The singing stopped almost immediately.

“Edge?” Ham’s head peeked out behind the wall at the end of the hallway. “Morning, sweetheart. My singing didn’t wake you, did it?” 

Noir shook his head, “No, it didn’t. Just wasn’t too sure where you were.” 

“That’s good to hear. I’m making breakfast by the way, and May’s out right now so we won’t have to worry about that for a while.” Ham said, disappearing behind the wall again. 

The closer Noir got to the end of the hall, the stronger the smell of breakfast was. And it smelled amazing. 

“Well, go ahead and sit over there,” Ham gestured towards the dinner table, “breakfast should be finished in just a second.” Instead of sitting down, Noir stood next to Ham as he finished cooking some pancakes.

“Smells good. I always did love your cooking.” Noir smiled when Ham’s whole body turned red due to his compliment. 

“Thanks, hun. I wasn’t sure what you wanted to eat so I just made some eggs and pancakes. I also have apple pie in the fridge if you want some.”

“I sure do love dessert.” 

“Was that an innuendo?” Ham raised an eyebrow, looking up at Noir.

“Maybe, maybe not.” Noir shrugged before walking over to sit down at the table. After not even a minute, Ham walked over with a giant plate full of breakfast. 

“Eat up!” Noir didn’t need to be told twice before he was shovelling food into his mouth. Ham was honestly the best cook Noir knew and it wasn’t just because they were boyfriends, he truly did love Ham’s cooking better than anyone’s.

“Woah there, tiger, slow down. Don’t want you to choke now, do we?” Ham laughed. 

Noir only slowed down slightly, though still eating inhumanly fast. The two ate in a comfortable silence for most of the meal until Ham decided to be the one to break it.

“So…  are we gonna talk about it?” his words made Noir completely stop what he was doing and look up at the pig across from him. “Our relationship, I mean.”

“Well, now would be the best time to talk about it.” Despite this, neither knew how they should start. 

“Petey, I’m, uh, sorry if I made you uncomfortable by talking about marriage and stuff. I rushed it a bit too much, huh?”

“Yeah, you kinda did, but that’s why we should sit down and talk about it.” Noir reached over and cupped one of Ham’s cheeks, smiling when he felt him lean into the touch. 

“So, you wanna take it slow?”

“That’d be prefered. I just… wanna take time to develop this, considering I haven’t had a real relationship since I was twenty.” 

“If that’s what you want, I’m ok with that! Take all the time you need! Just let me know if I ever push the limits, alright? We’ll just be a regular ol’ couple.” Ham grinned.

“We aren’t exactly a ‘regular ol’ couple’.” Noir laughed humorlessly. 

“Are you talking about the fact that we’re from two completely different dimensions or that you’re a human and I’m a pig?”

“Both.” Noir sighed. He nearly jumped out of his chair when Ham randomly appeared on his lap.

“Honestly, I don’t care what people might say cause I love you and nothing will ever change that.” 

Noir laughed before he pulled Ham close into a hug. “I love you too, darling.”

  
  
  


Honestly, Miles didn’t know what he expected when he saw that there was a massive prison break but he definitely didn’t expect for the only remaining prisoner to be Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin himself. It was unusual to say the least. However, that didn’t mean he was too happy since he had to work overtime to arrest many of the villains that had broken out. 

“So, you’re telling me it was the Vulture?” Miles grunted, still recovering from a fight with Tombstone he had just had. 

_ “From what the security cameras picked up.”  _ Aunt May’s voice spoke into Miles’ ear via his earpiece. 

“But why not Kingpin?” 

_ “Hell if I know. Probably part of some plan Liv has in store, since she was one of the villains that was broken out and hasn’t been seen since the prison break.”  _

“Neither has Vulture, right?” Miles landed on the roof of a building, looking out over the city. He had to admit, it was probably his favorite part of the job. It was so fun to swing around and look down at the seemingly small city below.

_ “Seen heading towards the Liberty Statue but there haven’t been any more sightings of him. This whole thing drove the city into chaos overnight.” _

“Yeah, my dad was calling me to make sure I was ok. Asked if I knew what was goin’ on. Told him I had no idea since I was watching a movie with Gwen.”

_ “Still wished we had a chance to see the ending. It was getting VERY interesting, not gonna lie.”  _ Gwen’s voice responded this time.

“Yeah, sorry you had to help me with the bad guys.” 

_ “It’s fine. Who knows how long you would’ve taken to round them all up by yourself. Plus, the most my universe has to deal with at the moment is the Bodega Bandit. Oh, and I just finished webbing up Shocker and Hammerhead.” _

_ “That just leaves Liv, Vulture, Black Cat, and some guy named Eddie Brock.” _

“That shouldn’t be too hard, should it?” Miles asked, mostly trying to convince himself. 

_ “Black Cat is, oddly enough, the easiest on the list to find at the moment. Brock is just some regular guy so he just blends in with the rest of New York.”  _ May sighed.

“Why would they put some guy in prison with the rest of New York’s most feared bad guys?” 

_ “Honestly, I have no idea. I haven’t heard of some guy named Eddie Brock in my dimension.” _

_ “I’m sure he’s nothing you can’t handle.”  _

_ “Hey, Miles?”  _

“Yeah, Gwen?”

_ “Peni just sent me a message. Says she needs to see us right away.” _

“So we’re heading to her dimension?” 

_ “She’s in Noir’s universe for some reason. Said it’s important.” _

  
  
  


“Peter?” MJ’s voice called from the living room.

“Yeah?” he was putting his suit on, getting ready to go on patrol. Peter hadn’t been Spider-Man for a pretty long time, it was a miracle the city didn’t crumble. Still, he felt guilty for not protecting anybody the whole time so he started working a bit earlier and longer. MJ didn’t exactly approve of him overworking himself but they decided on a compromise that worked for the two of them. If Peter was out for too long, MJ can call and tell him to come home as long as he wasn’t fighting or chasing a villain at the moment.

“One of your Spider-friends called you.” MJ walked into their bedroom, holding his phone.

“Which one?” 

“Peni,” MJ had met them all before, so she pretty unfazed by the interdimensional call, “she said she’s calling for a Spider meeting in Spider-Noir’s dimension.”  

“Huh, did she say anything else?”

“Said, and I quote, to get your ‘lazy ass over here before SP//dr drags you over’.” MJ smirked.

“Noir’s gonna need to have a long discussion about her language.” Peter huffed. “And I’ll have to talk about yours too, miss.” MJ laughed, playfully hitting Peter on his arm.

“Maybe next time, Pete.”

“Don’t you have to go to work?” 

“Don’t you have to meet with your friends from another dimension.” MJ raised an eyebrow.

“You got me there.” Peter couldn’t resist a smile when MJ leaned up to kiss him.

“Go get ‘em, tiger.”

  
  
  


Peni sat anxiously on top of SP//dr, waiting for the others to arrive in an abandoned building. It was pretty cold in Noir’s universe at the time, much more than she was used to. Still, she needed to be there. She hadn’t gotten any reading since…

Ham and Noir were the first to arrive, finding Peni’s hiding location fairly quickly since Noir knew the city like the back of his hand. Both of them were wearing their suits, still unsure as to why they were called there in the first place.

“Hiya, Pen.” Ham waved, perched on Noir’s shoulder.

“Hey, Hammy.” She grinned. 

“The others aren’t here?” Noir asked, sitting down next to Peni.

“No, not yet. Peter B did just enter the dimension though.” She responded, looking down at her wrist.

“How do you know?” Ham’s head tilted slightly.

“This.” Peni held up her wrist, showing her dimensional watch, the screen revealing that Peter B was now in Earth-14512, just like them. “I’ve been tracking dimensional hops and all that, making sure the portals were working properly.”

“Guess ya found somethin’ wonky?” 

“Something like that.” 

The next to get there was Peter B, also in his suit and sipping a coffee while munching on a bagle.

“Hey, gang, did I miss anything?”

“Wow, you actually got here before Miles and Gwen. Guess you’re not a complete disaster.” Peni grinned.

“Hey, don’t be rude. I didn’t have to come here. I was just about to go on patrol.” 

“Pete, be honest, what was the last serious villain you’ve fought?” Ham asked.

“The treadmill.”

“Now that’s just sad.” Peni frowned.

“Just like me.” Both Peter and Noir said in unison, earning smacks on the arm from Peni and Ham.

Finally, Miles and Gwen made their way inside the abandoned warehouse. 

“Great the gang’s all here!” Ham clapped his hands. 

“Feels good to be together again and not be stuck in an alternate dimension.” Gwen shook her head as she removed her mask. 

“Speaking of alternate dimensions, that’s why I called you here.” 

“Did you find another dimension?” Miles asked immediately.

“No, not yet, but I did find something more… concerning.” Peni patted SP//dr beneath her and a hologram shined through one of its hands. There were six glowing spheres, symbolizing each known dimension. “So I already explained this to Noir and Hammy but I’ll explain again. I’ve been tracking every dimensional jump, making sure nothing went wrong or to see if anything entered our dimensions. But something weird happened last night.” Peni reached up to point at the glowing red sphere. “This is Miles’ dimension and something left it and entered Noir’s.” As she said that a line red shot out of Miles’ sphere, connecting into Noir’s. “At first, I just thought it was Miles or something, but when I checked who was where, Gwen and Miles were in his dimension, Peter B was in his own, Ham and Noir were in Hammy’s dimension, and I was in mine.”

“So that means-”

“Someone from Miles’ dimension is here right now.” Noir completed for Gwen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments, they give me purpose (No, I'm not exaggerating)  
> This fic might end after Peter's Wedding but I'll still be writing more (Mainly Hamnoir because I'm an absolute disaster.)


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